I am so confused….. (Part 1)

Let me get out the dilemma very quickly…..I began talking again to Scott who I determined “wasn’t for me” for good reasons. I know this man REALLY likes me. The talking continued, then we met again for a night, then we ultimately spent a weekend together and had sex. You can read out my initial meeting with Scott here.

And now I’m stumped. I’m so confused.

I don’t know how to write this post exactly but I need a word vomit right about now. I have so much stress in my life right now that I have a persistent and near-debilitating headache every day. I’m hoping this will remove at least one stressor.

Do I write a pro and con list? Do I approach this like I would a business problem and remain removed and analytical about it?

My greatest fear is that my predetermined notion of the man I’ve been searching for is not allowing me to give a perfectly good man a chance. I’m also worried I am leading him on if I continue to see him when I already have concerns over certain personality traits.

Recently I was doing some reading on gut feelings and intuition and a little light bulb went off and I acknowledged something. Scott removes a lot of anxiety from me and I don’t know how. I feel safe and loved with him. I’m calm, happy and content. I don’t feel any of the traditional dating pressures to behave a certain way or look a certain way – I am totally myself with him. I believe a lot of this is because I didn’t really care what he thought of me because I didn’t see a relationship with him working out longer term.

Intuition is based on understanding something instinctively without the need for conscious reasoning. Soon after I met Scott, I fell into analysis paralysis regarding the possibility of relationship with him. I thought of so many reasons he wasn’t right for me while ignoring, perhaps, some less obvious natural feelings. It didn’t help that we only had a few dates before Covid quarantine started and the relationship became fully virtual, and there was no physical interaction.

I’m going to try and lay these out to have a bit of a brain dump. I suppose its a pro/con list in a way.

Scott has all the best qualities of what I loved in Tony. Many are even better. With Scott things have been easy and comfortable. He has seen my not so pretty side because, early on, I had determined he wasn’t for me and didn’t care how I presented myself to him or what he thought. We laugh so much over the dumbest things. We can talk for hours about nothing. He is beyond thoughtful. He would do anything for me. He is always focused on me and I can feel how much he cares. Anything I like he is willing to learn about. He wants to please me. He worries about me. He loves my body despite the scars and age. He’s smart. He has very little, if any, pretense. All of these traits were obvious right from the start and kept me wanting to give him a try.

My initial concern about the early relationship was that the combination of these qualities makes me feel amazing, but I wasn’t sure that I had feelings for the person making me feel good about myself. In other words, I liked how Scott made me feel, but I’m not sure I really liked Scott as a person. After about 6 weeks of quarantine it became apparent to me that I didn’t really like Scott well enough to continue speaking to him – and I knew he really wanted more from me. I couldn’t continue to be unfair to him.

So, I broke it off and I felt relief when I did, so I know that was the right decision at the time.

At some point during my surgery he reached out again and we began speaking. Slowly at first, with an up-front conversation in which I was very clear I could not offer him anything beyond friendship. I am not obtuse enough to think that he didn’t believe there was still a chance of more with me, but I convinced myself he’s a big boy and it was his choice to play with fire.

One weekend as we were chatting, and I wasn’t feeling so great about myself and my situation, he said “I will be right there as soon as you ask” and I said “ok”. This is no small ask – he lives 5 hours south of me. But, he jumped in his car and he came to me. We spent an evening laughing and having fun and he slept in my bed with me. He tried once to kiss me and I insisted that couldn’t happen. We remained on opposite sides of the bed for the evening and had a lovely Sunday before he left to return home.

A couple weeks after that, I had to drop my son off at school in his state. I was further west of where he lived, but he wanted to come meet me before I headed home. He came over once I finished with my son and we spent another evening together. Once again, a fun and laughter filled evening, sleeping in the same bed. Absolutely nothing happened this time except that he held my hand everywhere we went.

After this trip, communication increased and once again became daily by text. I was talking about my birthday and complaining about not having any vacation this year. He suggested we do something together and I agreed to spend a weekend with him, away.

The short version of the weekend was we had an absolutely amazing time. We acted like a couple the first two days, despite the fact we were not having any physical interaction beyond hand holding. But, by Sunday morning something changed for me and I initiated sex. When we were done, he said he was so happy because he wanted to be able to have sex with me “just once more” and if it never happened again he would be content because #lifegoals. The day we spent together Sunday was different from the preceding two days, now we were behaving like a couple and I was enjoying it. Where he had previously gotten on my nerves after about 18 hours together, here we were on day 3 and I didn’t want it to end. I was feeling something very different towards Scott, and it truly surprised me.

After we arrived home and parted, the analysis paralysis began. All the reasons I didn’t want to continue with Scott before were still there – they hadn’t changed. But a new feeling had surfaced, one I haven’t felt since I met Tony: contentment. I felt content, at ease, satisfied and low key happy with the time I spent with Scott.

I began an agonizing two weeks of torturing myself on if I should continue with him or not. I did not want to hurt this man twice. He is so good, so kind and so into me that it would be horribly unfair. My headaches grew so bad by this point I needed migraine meds. I was unfocused and becoming increasingly unhappy. Scott isn’t to blame for any of that – my life is in a shambles for some time now and adding the relationship conflict on top of being without a job for a year was beginning to wear me down and create a permanent anxiety I was having trouble ignoring.

The crux of the conflict with Scott is this: I finally met a man who fills almost all of my emotional bucket (maybe actually all of it) and creates some unidentifiable feeling within me, yet there are characteristics and circumstances I am so hung up on that I can’t seem to get past them – and they are not exactly changeable characteristics or circumstances. Even if they were changeable, I’m pretty sure Scott isn’t interested in changing them. We have a disparate view on one very important quality for me: career and ambition.

Where do I go from here?

(Well, we go to part 2 for now lol)

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

6 thoughts on “I am so confused….. (Part 1)”

  1. Until Part 2 arrives, can you imagine me reading this… and shaking my head and asking you, “Madeline, what are you doing? Are you deliberately sabotaging yourself?” Business analytics… really? Your instincts seem to be very okay with this guy and you’re ignoring them? Once more allowing your predetermined notions throw all kinds of wrenches in? Disparate views on things like career and ambition? Is that a deal-breaker because, I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who was 100% agreeable with whatever I wanted to do or was thinking about; sometimes, you need that opposing point of view to keep things in perspective.

    Madeline… what are you doing?

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I think you are over-thinking this a bit. He lets you be yourself — wow. You aren’t use to that. Embrace it. The two of you live 5 hours apart. Just let things unfold. You don’t have to do anything other than enjoy what is unfolding. How about allowing yourself to just be. Just be with the guy and see what happens. You want to put labels, definitions and boundaries on it. Nope, just let it go. Great to hear from you!! I am sending you positive vibes.

    Liked by 3 people

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