He’s A Nice Guy (Pt 2)

Thursday rolls around and Scott made arrangements at a hotel close to my home and said he would be here around 5pm. He was done with his local work early and ended up arriving around 2pm and I was nowhere near ready. I had that moment of panic that he would perceive me as disinterested but then got a grip and, instead of dropping everything I needed to do for myself, which included my workout, I didn’t and just let him know I would be ready after 5pm as planned. He wasn’t phased at all and told me to take my time, that my workout was important.

I also knew I didn’t have to go overboard with getting dressed for him, and I could just clean up nicely and we would be fine. I have seen a change in how I handle preparing for dates and don’t find myself really going over the top to impress anymore like I once did. In one way this is a relief, but in another sort of sad that I don’t get excited like that anymore. I suppose my sexy outfits and shoes will eventually be for one man who is going to really appreciate the effort I’ve gone to look good.

We met in the lobby and went to his room, once again with no pressure to have sex. We both admitted to being hungry so decided we should wait before getting messy. We also decided we would just eat in the hotel restaurant (which is quite nice, actually). Another pleasant and easy evening ensued. Conversation flows easily, but I still can’t put my finger on what I don’t like about Scott – but there is SOMETHING. Not enough to stop me in my tracks, but it’s there. Its making me a little nuts to ty and figure it out and, perhaps, inhibiting some of my more natural behavior.

Divorced for several years, two older children in college, a steady government job, a home and car. He’s stable and emotionally available. One longer relationship with a married woman so he understands what I went through pretty intimately which was unusual. We like a lot of the same things, we think along the same lines in how we approach things and there is no tension between us at all. We laugh together, but he’s not exactly funny -we just find humor in similar things and I am funny so he laughs at me.

But, for me, there is no excitement. I do miss that.

When we went back to the room we had another fun evening and we did a lot of talking to get to know one another. He makes it clear he is interested in me. He said I don’t know how to take a compliment (is that true? maybe. I am also uncomfortable with a lot of compliments coming from someone when I don’t know how I feel about them). I stayed over and needed to leave early to go for a workout, which again, he encouraged and was impressed that I was committed to my Peloton.

I would like to say he is a consistent communicator, but I haven’t gotten his pattern down yet. He prefers text to talk, which is unusual for a man. He asks a lot of non-text-appropriate questions (like “why are you single”) that shouldn’t be answered in text and require face to face or at least a phone conversation, which I say clearly I won’t engage in text and then he agrees (almost like it’s a test of what I will and won’t answer? I don’t know).

And then, the most confusing part to me – all the words are right. So many remind me of Tony. I have been dying to hear some of this and now its falling flat. But, why? Because its not Tony or because Scott isn’t the “one” they should be coming from? Or am I just smarter and know to keep things at a slower pace? I have this distinct feeling they are disingenuine, but then I think “how could that be” when its so new and its so consistent?

Here’s a snippet of his text to me:

I haven’t stopped thinking about your eyes. Your smile. Your laugh. Your beautiful body. I can’t wait to see you.

(sends a photo of dog on his lap and I reply “that looks comfy”) I’d prefer to have this absolutely stunning and breathtaking women I just met in that spot.

I know I want to hold her. Caress her gorgeous neck. Run my fingers over that sexy collarbone. Kiss her sensual lips. See the pure radiance of her smile. Be in her presence. Being around her makes your mind go blank.

I’m keeping a list of all your favorites (and he names them all…)

I may have spent a minute or ten telling my daughter about this super awesome lady I just met. Told her I would like to figure out how to snag her….yep, I said it. I will own it.

I’m going to need to work at Lowe’s part time (to buy me the things that bring me joy because his government job is low income)

You showed up and I was speechless….you look just like your photos but so much better in person and with such an amazing personality to match. I think you are the most amazing person.

So I should be thrilled, right? I’ve been waiting for this, right? Then why not? He’s so sweet, he’s so nice. Why don’t I want this nice guy? Why aren’t I more excited?

For sure one of my blocks is his income. It feels way to close to my marriage where the disparity will ultimately create issues. But, I don’t know this man and that’s putting a lot of my history onto him or a future with him which is unfair, but I think that’s a solid roadblock for me. I have a sense of luxury that I don’t want to give up -even being unemployed I don’t think I can make such a significant change in income and actually end up being happy (or grateful) about it. I think I’m already spoiled to some extent (which I’ve done to myself). If I am being practical the bottom line is that his current salary cannot afford the lifestyle I am used to and will keep me working until the end of my life. I don’t want that, I already know that. Is that an unfair thought, sure. But it’s the truth. My expectation was that somehow and somewhere someone would be taking care of me, not the other way around. Disparity in income and lack of ambition are some of the reasons I got divorced, this feels close to that – but I also shouldn’t assume just because he chose to stay in a government role that he’s not ambitious, should I?

He may also have a false sense of confidence. This is a total shot in the dark – his confidence could be real, I don’t know, but my instinct is that he’s a bit full of bravado. He doesn’t particularly beat his chest or something so obvious, but there are small indicators of how he thinks he’s “cool” and I tend to think people who really are, don’t need to speak about it. I don’t think I’ve hear him say anything self-deprecating…and this is usually my signal that the man is self-aware and has a sense of humility.

So, I’m at a loss. I don’t think I should cut him loose, but I can’t draw him closer either. Eventually things will work their way out I think and I will figure out whats at the bottom of it.

My friends are beginning to question my decisions with men. Most think I should settle for a nice man willing to care for me. A man who I would be a prize for. Yea, I get the idea, but I need my own prize and “nice” doesn’t do it. That aggression that goes with ambition is attractive to me, and those men are not a dime a dozen but have women who are. They also match and go off the market really quickly. Is it wrong to expect a man of similar caliber? If I find an unattractive man, but he has every other quality I’m looking for – why am I still dissatisfied? (This is what my friends keep saying to me – I’m shooting too high and have to drop the looks piece). So far, I have been unable to cross this hurdle – the physical attraction is a strong pull for me that I can’t seem to surpass.

I have taken a look at my requirements again, and they remain the same and I do realize that my formula may be broken, but despite trying to go our of my comfort zone, I can’t seem to be attracted to a man who doesn’t hit all of these:

  1. Handsome / Attractive to me (which includes height and weight)
  2. Ambition
  3. Physically fit (this is actually much less of an issue anymore, most divorced men are)
  4. Funny and fun
  5. Financially well off – likes a little bit of bougie and doesn’t get upset with mine
  6. White collar
  7. Father
  8. Divorced (or separated living apart of some time)
  9. Great communicator; understand words of affirmation as a love language
  10. Good sexual chemistry

How many of these are total deal breakers and not just desires? So far, it seems without 8/10 it becomes a deal breaker. The list used to be like 22 things, so this is a major improvement! But, even here, my friends think I should be focused on a nice man, and let some of the other things go (all their “nice men” are well off, intelligent and kind – and not good looking).

I’m at a loss lately and I feel like a spoiled brat, but I haven’t figured out what I can give up or even that I should give any of it up. Dan and Tony hit 9/10. Bobby to 8/10. Only Mike hit 10/10 and he wasn’t interested enough in me for unknown reasons. I still daydream about Mike and wonder why not me? I suppose he’s my unicorn.

If I’m not attracted to someone, how do you overcome this if they meet a bunch of other great criteria? Even the dating service I went to debated this with me – saying most women wanted a nice man and were not so worried about a mans looks. I don’t know how you have enough chemistry with someone you are not attracted to -to then go on and have decent sex? If Im not attracted enough to want to kiss them, how does the rest follow?

Ugh.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

9 thoughts on “He’s A Nice Guy (Pt 2)”

  1. M, I had to chew on what i wanted to say because may have offended you. I don’t want or mean to do this. But honestly, you’re too damn picky! I understand you have standards and all, but damn, if he’s filling in the very important emotional parts, (which are immensely important!), and he adores you, I’d hang in there and give him a chance. This may be a bit before your time, but are you familiar with the show Grren Acres? It’s about a wealthy city girl who very happily marries a country man. Even though she loves the city and the life of luxury, she gave it up to have a love filled life with him. IDK, maybe I’m just a huge romantic spewing off here, but M, you’ve been wanting what he offers for such a long, long time. An please, stop comparing him to past relationships. He is different as you know.
    Just my two cents worth….
    XO!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m so glad Lauren commented that because I was searching for what it reminded me of and Love Bomber is it! That’s so soon to be so head over heels and saying all those things. I can understand why things feel “off”…you’re not moving at the same pace.

        My vote would be to give it time and see how things go. See if he can maintain actions that match with his words.

        I also understand what you are saying about the income disparity. I wouldn’t love it as well..but I did date one guy who made half of what I made yet we had so much fun together. Let go of the income piece for now and just try to have fun. Live in the now and not the unknown future.

        Liked by 3 people

      1. I think so. Certainly men in their 50s maybe less so for men in their 40s or younger. I would think a partner that doesn’t get to see you often would want to hear your voice.

        Like

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