Losing Hope

It’s very hard to stay positive and motivated. I often feel anxious, sad and desperate.

I’ve been out of work and out of relationship too long. While I do some activity to stay healthy, I’ve started eating poorly again and can feel how that’s affecting my body. I’ve started craving carbs again. I got on the scale and have hit a heavy weight I didn’t think I would see again. I promised my self after all I’ve been through that I wasn’t going to let more than 10 pounds go – so that means I’m shutting down any bad eating habits this week. I had to gain weight after the fistula but I should have stopped and watched what I was doing. I mistakenly assumed with all the exercise I wouldn’t gain but that’s not the case.

I’m in one of two places: busy or desolate. On the busy days, I can’t even handle too many things at once. When my day gets too full I feel pressure. I don’t know if this is simply a side effect of being out of work so long or an actual change in ability to perform. Busy days now don’t even compare to what my traditional busy days were like. I get tired so much faster. If I go out with friends at night I need a full day to recuperate.

I’m afraid to do my bills and look at my debt. I’ve been unable to get a handle on it. I am actively avoiding trying to do something about it.

The thought of a backup plan is a reality now and I don’t have one. I just assumed I would be able to get a job like I always have. Any job. But there are none. No adjacencies, no lower paying roles, just nothing available to me. I should try harder but I’m blocked here as well. I’m letting my life slip away from me.

The rejection from dating combined with being out of work can be debilitating but my internal pressure to find a partner, even short term, is as desperate a feeling as finding a job. I keep thinking if I can at least have one stable thing to look forward to each day a partner would be a welcome change. But that’s not happening either.

I don’t speak to people about how I feel. How can they help me anyway? I feel like a burden again and I don’t want to be that. So many people just don’t understand depression and I can’t manage hearing “you’ll get through this” or “you will find a job, you always do” anymore. I just can’t. I know the only way through this is to help myself but I’m genuinely stuck trying to figure out how to move forward. The feeling of being disconnected from everyone and everything is very strong. My sister barely communicates with me and I attribute that to the comment I made to her last September that was unkind. Some days I want to ask her what’s up but most days I don’t really want to hear what she might have to say. If she really cared she wouldn’t be holding one comment against me for going on 6 months. And she would reach out more often. I am always the one asking to see her and reaching out and I’m tired of it. My best friend is the same thing. I am always reaching out and asking to see her and she is always preoccupied. I can’t help but wonder if I’ve alienated them or it’s actually just that they are genuinely busy with life. I remember how everyone told me how important I was after Mexico was over and how I should never do that again – that people love me and care for me. If they do, if those words were true – wouldn’t they be trying harder after realizing how I felt back then? That I was struggling with being alone and being a failure? I know you can’t force people into relationship but I’m getting to a point where I’m feeling like I am the problem. There’s something with me or about me that makes people not want to be in relationship with me. It’s very hard not to feel this way and I acknowledge I’m having pity for myself which is unhealthy, but it’s very hard to escape. I am back to feeling like I am not anyone’s #1 and it’s horrible. My entire life I’ve spent just wanting to be “that one” to someone, anyone. I didn’t get it from my parents or my x. I don’t get it from my children. For me this is a very deep-seated emotional need. While I have found many ways to feed my own self-love, I haven’t found any way to fill the bucket enough to feel fulfilled.

Therapy would be great but I don’t have the money. I think working would actually be better therapy for me than anything. Exercise this past 2 weeks is tough because I have some hip problem which I’m hoping isn’t arthritis. We ruled our nerve damage but now probably need more X-rays or MRI’s on the hip. I’m still exercising but I need more to work out some of this cray.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

4 thoughts on “Losing Hope”

  1. I know how you feel… just wanting to be “that one” to someone. I’ve often wondered if I was asking too much to have someone just want me more than anyone or anything else. I think a lot of it stems from childhood and how we’re raised. Whatever the reason, it’s a desire and need that I think the majority of people want. But finding that person and keeping them, just seems so impossible the majority of the time. There may be a few years that you seem to have that closeness with someone, but it never seems to last. And for me that’s what I’ve always struggled with. I suppose the problem is that people change and so we often grow apart. It’s a tough life M…. I hope you’ll find someone soon. Someone who adores you and loves you and who is able to bring fulfillment to your life. Please don’t lose hope. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ah M, I feel for you. I heard an interesting podcast (“Food, We Need to Talk”) that talked about stress and food. Might be worth a listen for you.

    On the job front, I have loads of empathy. My journey was different, but in some ways similar. It seems like jobs these days pop up more from who you know rather than what you know. Sorry, but you need to keep tapping your network (& incessantly).

    Personally I would suggest putting all relationship seeking activity on a full stop until you get something going on the job front. The romantic search can drain needed energy (both physical and mental) from the job search. I know that’s a bummer, but you need to get focused on survival.

    You are a very strong woman. You need work to channel all your energies into something stimulating and productive. I will ask the employment gods to shine down upon you by sending them an offering of shredded business cards…
    Hugs to you,

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I’m so sorry you’re having such a crap time on so many fronts.

    I recently gave up dating as it was just getting too annoying and I was starting to have some health issues I need to get under control. It’s been great as I am pouring my energy and attention into my health…and when I have a twinge of loneliness I remind myself that I need to get healthy first.

    I agree with Maggie that maybe pausing the dating and focusing solely on the job search might be what would be best right now.

    Liked by 3 people

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