Un-HINGEd

It’s rare I can be clever enough to make a play on words, but here you have it.

I recently read-installed the dating app Hinge. I had originally tried and deleted it last year because it was allll fake profiles. I don’t know how women are suckered into that nonsense. Men looking for souls mates, living off shore somewhere, always widowed and always having a kid in a boarding school which is so NOT an American thing to do. It seems like Hinge cleaned up their act catching these fake profiles so I tried again.

Now I’ve got a different issue.

When did the world stop drinking?

No, really? When? Why is this a relationship thing these days? Why has alcohol fallen into the same taboo arena as, say, drugs?

Yea, I’m kidding not kidding.

I didn’t drink while I was married and raising kids. We never really went out and my x didn’t drink. There was no down time that included alcohol unless I was with my young sister. That almost always includes alcohol once she hit post 18 years old. But before that, I drank randomly at a big party and never at dinner out or home. I just didn’t and didn’t give it a lot of thought.

Then separation happened and I drank copious amounts of alcohol and often. I found Prosecco to be my favored drink and knew where my “limit” was. It’s been 5, going on 6 years of alcohol consumption and I have no desire to stop. I like how a buzz feels. I like to get a little drunk. I like when my partner or friends and I get a little sillier because alcohol is in the mix.

Traditionally I would eliminate non-drinkers from my dating options. I have dated recovering alcoholics and can’t cope with their recoveries and mindsets. Not for me. But, I haven’t really tried dating someone who just doesn’t drink because “no reason” or “better health”. I don’t know if I should. I am suspicious of people who don’t drink. Is your fun gene broken?

I am not advocating alcoholism- far from it. But getting a little buzz from alcohol or pot is freaking fun. A lot of fun.

But would it make or break a dating relationship if I didn’t have it?

As it turns out, a dating hiatus turned into a little uptick all at once. 4 men. I matched and started texting with 4 men in the space of 2 days. I’ve met one so far. And, as you can guess from the intro to this post, ALL 4 don’t drink.

What are the chances?

Each one claims a different reason, none are recovering (or admitted) alcoholics.

Here’s what I think out of the gate. Every one of them is interested in my fitness lifestyle. Maybe more than I would like them to be in fact (more on that in another post -I feel like a fitness fraud). All of them are very fit, like I want to touch them, fit. (Yum)  Lol. None of them is particularly funny. Ugh. All of them are driven and brilliantly smart. All of them are Dads and divorced. 3 of the 4 asked for coffee or afternoon Sunday dates and I hate that.

So – all quite similar profiles.

Maybe Hinge went from the fake profile app to the no drinkers app? I don’t know but think it’s awfully strange.

Generally speaking, my quick eliminations will happen from no laughter, not showing enough interest in me (no questions) and no easy conversational engagement.  I think those are all normal things people look for in a companion.  Followed by no drinking and it seems clear I should cut them loose. But, maybe, and this is a big maybe – this is one of those things I have to take off my long, long list of requirements. Does it actually matter? Does it create a character flaw?? (IMHO, yes it is a reflection character) Do the drinking and laughing gene go together?

I’ve set out to find out.  I am going to speak and potentially meet these men.

This all has me thinking – have I given decent men enough time to engage with me or do I cut them off too soon? Everything feels like a red flag to me since Tony because no one is Tony. I don’t compare anymore or even think of him tbh, but it seems like that’s where it stems from.

I love laughing. Big gooey deep belly laughs. And I love drinking and getting even sillier.

Can I live without either of these?  Do they go hand-in-hand somehow?  And, if not, how has my brain come to equate that?  My x didn’t drink and he was a fucking funny as anyone in the beginning.  I mean, he is actually funny, just not my type of funny anymore.

The laughter shouldn’t be tied to the alcohol of course but I find it fascinating that the men (and women) in my life that don’t don’t drink are genuinely less funny! Is it a control thing? I may have to do some reading around this because I sincerely think the two can be related. I am totally being judgey over peeps who don’t drink.

So my next couple posts will be about the dates with these non-drinkers …. let’s see if there is any correlation.

Here’s the mini snapshot -who knows if any (or all) of these guys even make it to date #1 but I am approaching this for research purposes!

  1. John (gosh we may be up to John 3# at this point?): get ready for the doozy right off the bat – John is a Mormon and separated father to 5 kids ages 7-17.  He lives in the next town and is a former naval officer.  Asked me out VERY quickly,
  2. David: lives a but further away in the next state and is the divorced father to one son.  He’s quite sweet.  we have the best conversational (text) cadence of the 4.
  3. Steve: Divorced dad to a younger son, moved here from CO.  Local.  Doesn’t love to text and want to speak quickly so we will be seeking today.  Texts have been quite matter-of-fact and dry.
  4. Matthew: haven’t yet clarified if he has kids or was ever married, he lives close and we started a text conversation and he disappeared so it may have ended before it started.

I don’t advocate speaking to so many men at once, but when you swipe and match it just happens that way sometimes.  If they are worth speaking to I will continue a conversation and normally, which is sad but true that its normal, sometimes they just disappear out of the blue and you never know what happened.  Dating.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

13 thoughts on “Un-HINGEd”

  1. While I understand your hesitations to dating men who don’t drink, I say give them all a fair chance. Does not mean you can’t drink of course. I had to stop drinking a couple of years ago due to my daily dose of blood thinners. 😦 I miss the buzz as well. However, I cannot stand to be around drunks. I guess that stems from former partners that liked the bottle more than me. I guess what I am trying to say is, hey, it’s better to be with someone who could turn out to be an alcoholic. And bonus, they can get you home safely while you imbibe. And yes you CAN have fun without a buzz. My current BF and I quite often are silly while sober.
    Good luck!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ^^this^^
      I am a lightweight drinker, especially as I get older. My thought is that meeting someone soberly who can still carry a conversation and be funny is more interesting. He’s got more going on in the old brain. Plus another question is if they are judgey about YOUR drinking. That will provide another clue about them. Good luck!!

      Liked by 3 people

  2. I’m a non-drinker by choice, as is my DH. To me it’s not whether a personal is funny/not funny so much as do we share the same style of humor and things we find funny. I don’t think I am dour and judgmental about alcohol, as I have many, many close friends who drink socially. I’d say if the conversation is good while sober it does not always get better with alcohol involved. Plus I completely agree with Maggie that their attitude toward your enjoyment of booze could be more the dealbreaker than whether or not they enjoy it as well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally agree with you. I don’t think it’s about the alcohol, but when one person like to drink to get buzzed it’s disconnected to the other person (if that makes sense?). I also agree as long as the partner isn’t judgmental – but I would suspect that too much alcohol with a non drinker might wear on them after a while. Also agree it’s about finding things mutually funny regardless of if there is alcohol involved.

      Like

  3. I wouldn’t date the Mormon as a person raised Mormon. Their religion is their life. They also don’t drink, smoke, or drink anything with caffiene or they aren’t supposed to. I mean they just aren’t fun. There are exceptions though.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. #3..Steve..from your description sounds like a dud. I would be surprised if he is fun or funny at all. I feel like you can get a sense from the cadence of text, but still will be interesting to hear how the date goes.

    I say it’s great to give the non drinkers a try. You might be pleasantly surprised! Can’t wait to hear how the dates go!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Funny, a lot of the girls I match with or talk to nowadays say they rarely or never drink. Must be something going around. Either that or I attract a dry crowd.

    I must also add that I myself don’t drink but am fucking hilarious. I’m usually the only one laughing, but still…

    Like

    1. Funny is funny with or without alcohol. So far, for whatever the reason, the funny men I have been with all drink (except my x, he didn’t drink and he used to be fucking hilarious, but then his humor was at everyone else’s expense and it wasn’t funny anymore). I haven’t met a truly funny guy that doesn’t drink – so this is where my analysis stems from.

      What I think I realize is I like to drink and when my partner isn’t in the same somewhat buzzed place I am, its not so fun to be drinking alone. So, is this something I have to give up in dating? I don’t really want to but maybe its something I have to see if I can consider.

      It is more popular these days for people not to drink for a multitude of reasons.

      Liked by 1 person

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