Back to Nothing

I thought the little getaway would perk me up. 4 days of sex, fun and sun and then stopping to see a friend in a new city on the way home for a night.

Did I have fun? Sure.

But now the fun is over and I’m back to nothingness. I’m so bored I can’t motivate myself.

I’m also in a financial panic. I’ve been waking up with night sweats and a sense of complete panic because of the debt I’ve put myself into. I have NEVEE been worried about money and clearly part of the reason I’m in so much debt is because I don’t even know how to worry about money. There’s always been a good job and more money. But now there’s not. The thought that I’m about to topple all the years of hard work for being thoughtless about money is sickening to me. This is the quality in me that my x railed against daily. Oh how he hated this part of me. Of course, I couldn’t see it this way when I was working and earning. Nor should he have treated me that way when I was working and earning – I just needed to learn moderation and temperance and not be extremely limited the way he managed me. My ability to ignore my true circumstance has now led me into a debt I’m no longer sure I can handle and I’m scared to death.

I am beginning to become immobilized.

I cannot find a job. Any job. Even one that pays 1/3 of my past salaries – which would take me back to earning what I earned in my 30’s ! There is nothing out there I can get my hands wrapped around. I’m still on unemployment at the moment so taking “any” job isn’t an option if it won’t net more than the unemployment.

I have to start looking at alternative careers and I don’t even know where to start. The thought of having to sell real estate is sickening me. And if I feel that way, I won’t even be good at it. I don’t mean to diminish anyone’s role in life but I don’t want to sell real estate. I want to do the job I have worked for my entire life, the role I’m trained for. I just want to work in my career field. Writing this is making me ill.

Compound this with my inability to be actually do anything at home. I could clean cabinets and closets and get shit done but, instead, I’m back on the couch binge watching. I’m sure no one knows my life is falling apart, I never give that outward appearance. But I’m spiraling.

I haven’t even heard a peep from Dan since I left Florida. How crappy is that? I didn’t really expect to, I guess. Maybe I did. But something after 4 days and nights together? Something? It makes me feel used. But didn’t I use him, too? These feelings are so conflicted. I want more from him but I don’t really want him. I didn’t feel any pull toward wanting more from him and I suspect that’s because he makes it abundantly clear he doesn’t want more from me in his own actions. I don’t know if that’s intentional or not. I don’t know if I will hear from him again or not either. I don’t see any reason I wouldn’t, when he has business in my city again, but who knows. I’m not dwelling on him or the situation, but I am beginning to wonder what is so wrong with me that no one wants me. No one.

I haven’t stopped exercising. It’s my one thing I hold on to to keep my sanity. Somehow I have also be invited to the “inner sanctum” of the Peloton group I’m in. I suspected there were cliques behind the scene and I had pretty much identified the “cool kids”. I was always in their peripheral sites because I’m engaged in the social media and the live studio. One of the girls was coming to NYC and asked if I could do a studio class with her and I spent the day with her (I do this for anyone in the group who asks which is becoming more common as I become more “well-known” in my group). The friend I met on the way home from Florida was also in this side group and I hadn’t met her IRL either. We connected in person immediately as I was drawn to her. After meeting these two, I was pleasantly surprised when I was invited “in” to the inner group and their daily communication. I’ve never been in group chats with “friends” who talk about anything. Like there’s no filter. It’s interesting. I don’t necessarily think I’m going to dive head first into suddenly having a new close friend group, but this group chat and engagement is a nice thing to be a part of – even if it’s just one more virtual connection. I’ve been invited to a gathering as well, if I can get to the other side of the country. Would I enjoy it? How would I “really” in? When someone has nothing to do and nothing on their mind, this at least adds some distraction for me.

I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m quickly losing all or any motivation I may have had and starting to become depressed. Not like the summer of 18 depressed, but sinking into an apathy I can’t shake.

And, an interesting note, I mentioned I had blocked Tony and his multiple alter egos from my IG when he was stalking. I also sent him a text calling him out on it. I unblocked him last week (which I clean out all my blocks every couple months so he was part of this). He’s back. When I saw him this time I just thought “oh well, if you really want to look, go ahead”. It’s not a show. My IG is real life and my life isn’t all that exciting at the moment so he’s not seeing much except my Peloton activity. I have given thought to him – what if I bumped into him, how would I feel? My heart made no jumps. I miss what we had. I miss how he made me feel. I miss him. And I realize how over it is and how damaged it always was. It makes me sad that I haven’t had any functional and healthy relationships in my life and the one that I consider the most perfect was probably one of the most flawed.

I feel like I don’t add any value to life. This is the same question I was facing when I went to Mexico. The difference then was I didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with such a big challenge. I’m not sure how well I will deal with it now, but I know I’m not throwing my life away because of it this time. I just need to find a way to regain control. I need a new path. At the moment I’m so covered in weeds I’m having trouble seeing and breathing.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

2 thoughts on “Back to Nothing”

  1. Ah M, I feel your pain. You have been on the struggle bus for so long and you haven’t caught many breaks. All I can say is you have to keep swimming, keep trying. You are smart and brave, but in a rough patch.

    Employment as we get older can be difficult, particularly in the professions that focus on youth. Don’t go into sales if you aren’t excited about it. 100% commission will only add to your stress.

    The only other advice/suggestion is ask for help. It will be incredibly hard, but people can’t help you until you ask them. People will surprise you in both good and bad ways, but you will see the truth in so many when you ask them for help. It can be big asks or small, and it takes a lot of humility, but you need help right now, so ask. Put yourself out there by taking small steps. That is how you got exercising and that will be how you climb out of this.

    I took a job at a salary less than what I wanted, but I desperately needed the stability of income and employment. I got the job because a friend recommended me – a friend who knew I needed help. I am thankful and relieved. I never take what I have for granted. You will make it to the other side and you too will be thankful and safe. But first, ask for help and take small steps. Hugs to you, I feel your pain.

    Liked by 1 person

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