Burner Text

I am still crazy. Less crazy than before but I wonder if it ever disappears entirely.

I see Tony stalking my IG every single day now. While it doesn’t cause distress in any way, I neglected to realize what it would do – cause me to overthink about him every day again.

So that was a little test I failed.

I sent a burner text. A long one. Telling him I know he’s on my IG feed every day multiple times a day. I said I think of him too. I asked why he was on the feed if he didn’t still care.

Surprisingly for the first time in 18 months, he replied with “who is this”.

Was it meant to hurt? To be funny? To simply tell me I don’t even resonate with him anymore? I will never know.

Maybe he just didn’t like being caught out.

But – despite the intended inference – someone who is checking your personal feed every day multiple times a day is stalking for a reason.

His reasons don’t matter, but I need to let it go. I actually had nothing of value to say to him anyway. I acted impulsively which is always what gets me in trouble.

I will bet, knowing him, the stalking will stop now. He’s too proud and stubborn to have been caught. (Addendum: he stalked later that day which I found out of character)

That’s fine.

Here’s the text:

Tony – why would you look at my IG every day if you are never going to speak to me again? You must be thinking about me on some level. You must still care about something?

We had a connection unlike any other either of us had ever experienced. I know we can never be in relationship again.

It’s baffling to me why you would check on my feed if you really don’t care. I know you’re mad and I know how stubborn you are about always being mad at me. I suppose you won’t forgive me but I would like you to understand how sick I was – in my head – truly sick – to do what I did. It was all in desperation and I couldn’t see anything clearly.

Finding out you had lied to me for months crushed me and I wanted you to feel the pain I felt. None of this makes sense to a person who isn’t sick, I know this. It’s the only explanation I have. There was no logic to my breakdown.

Maybe you delete every random text I send. Maybe you read them. You are stubborn enough not to tell me, I see that after 18 months.

Our relationship changed my life and I will never ever be the same. I never felt love the way we loved. It may never come again, I don’t know. I do know I will never not have you in my heart and head. You are forever a part of me.

I wish I knew if you were happy or not. I’m guessing you made your choices and are standing by them regardless if you will ever be truly happy or not. I wish I had that tenacity to put my family before myself – but I didn’t. I would have chosen you and if I couldn’t have you I would have chosen to die. Every day is a struggle to remind myself I have to be present for my children. That comes naturally for you and I admire that.

I know you are “just a man” as you’ve said so many times. Perhaps you can never understand the impact you had on my life. I miss you every day.

And I’m waging a guess you are missing me if you are stalking my IG.

Either that or Kelly has your IG password.

I do think I want to speak to him but then I ask myself why? What good would come of it (don’t answer, I know: none). But really, what would I get from it? I already know that it would create a longing for what I once had and is forever gone. That relationship can never come back and I nuclear blasted the bridge. Even if he did text or speak to me – what would I want to hear? There is nothing productive to be had from contact with him.

I let my crazy slip through.

But differently than before, I think about my actions and what I could net from them. I know this is fruitless.

And just like that, the feeling passes. There was a momentary madness in which I text him wanting to know “why?! What are you thinking about? How does it feel to kiss me? You do, don’t you?” Like I needed those answers. I don’t. I really don’t. No answer is a right answer or even a good answer. I don’t care about his answer.

I have gotten a million times better but I still have the crazy gene. It comes when I feel desperate about some situation in my life – one I can’t seem to “fix” and seemingly my brain believes it requires Tony to help me with the problem. Now that I know why and when it happens, I have to gain full control.

I’m doing better, but I am not healed. I still have to actively try to move on from that relationship.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

8 thoughts on “Burner Text”

    1. Agreed with Maggie, while also wanting to give a shout out to the reflections that emerge in your text. You have moved on. Not completely, but your rational side sees the futility in beating this dead horse, and you seem to be more in the sadness phase of grief than anger, denial, bargaining. Yeah, it would have been cleaner if you didn’t share these thoughts with Tony, but you did, and we can only hope that nothing will come of it. Is there any way you can get IG to suppress the stats about who looks at your account? Like, if its too hard to resist checking on his lurkings, can you just disable the function that tells you when he lurks?

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I could block him, but I can’t. I don’t have an actual “reason”’why except I just can’t. When he blocked me from every form of social media it just killed me so there’s some weird thing inside of me that says I won’t do that. And then there’s the sort that says “fuck it I’m living my life and feel free to watch”. It’s the last hold out I guess. I know I should but I don’t. I’m not making excuses when I know I should.

        There’s no more true longing for being his lover anymore. Just the longing for what we shared.

        Like

  1. If you block someone, can’t you unblock them later? You could think of blocking him, and then keep him blocked a day at a time. It might also be really useful to super present with whatever feelings you feel right in the moment of hypothetically blocking him, and then, following up, what it feels like to have an urge that you then can’t fulfill. For me, it often leads me to see how much, in the moment, I feel lonely or unsure or restless, and I can just give some kindness to myself. I’m a long veteran of playing social media reindeer games and it always, at best, feels like binging on cotton candy. It satisfied something in the moment, but shortly thereafter leaves you feeling even more hollow. It’s kind of you to say that you don’t want to be cruel to him and block him, but I think that the truth is that it makes you feel vindicated (in a way that we all would want to feel) that he still looks at you, and it plays into this deeper narrative of, even if you can’t have him, you know he still wants you or thinks about you, which means you haven’t totally let go. And it isn’t surprising to me that you would wander back here after having a frustrating time trying to date otherwise. You’ve been through the wringer! I encourage you to do this for yourself (blocking him). and if you can’t, it isn’t the end of the world.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Stop.stop.stop. You dialed his phone?! No.no.no. He (and his wife) have absolutely no doubt who sent that message. Block him. It is over. Look forward, not backward. You are on the cusp of great things beginning in your life. You have done so much incredibly hard work both mentally and physically. He is an anchor/impediment from you breaking free. Hugs to you.

    Liked by 4 people

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