I am still crazy. Less crazy than before but I wonder if it ever disappears entirely.
I see Tony stalking my IG every single day now. While it doesn’t cause distress in any way, I neglected to realize what it would do – cause me to overthink about him every day again.
So that was a little test I failed.
I sent a burner text. A long one. Telling him I know he’s on my IG feed every day multiple times a day. I said I think of him too. I asked why he was on the feed if he didn’t still care.
Surprisingly for the first time in 18 months, he replied with “who is this”.
Was it meant to hurt? To be funny? To simply tell me I don’t even resonate with him anymore? I will never know.
Maybe he just didn’t like being caught out.
But – despite the intended inference – someone who is checking your personal feed every day multiple times a day is stalking for a reason.
His reasons don’t matter, but I need to let it go. I actually had nothing of value to say to him anyway. I acted impulsively which is always what gets me in trouble.
I will bet, knowing him, the stalking will stop now. He’s too proud and stubborn to have been caught. (Addendum: he stalked later that day which I found out of character)
Here’s the text:
Tony – why would you look at my IG every day if you are never going to speak to me again? You must be thinking about me on some level. You must still care about something?
We had a connection unlike any other either of us had ever experienced. I know we can never be in relationship again.
It’s baffling to me why you would check on my feed if you really don’t care. I know you’re mad and I know how stubborn you are about always being mad at me. I suppose you won’t forgive me but I would like you to understand how sick I was – in my head – truly sick – to do what I did. It was all in desperation and I couldn’t see anything clearly.
Finding out you had lied to me for months crushed me and I wanted you to feel the pain I felt. None of this makes sense to a person who isn’t sick, I know this. It’s the only explanation I have. There was no logic to my breakdown.
Maybe you delete every random text I send. Maybe you read them. You are stubborn enough not to tell me, I see that after 18 months.
Our relationship changed my life and I will never ever be the same. I never felt love the way we loved. It may never come again, I don’t know. I do know I will never not have you in my heart and head. You are forever a part of me.
I wish I knew if you were happy or not. I’m guessing you made your choices and are standing by them regardless if you will ever be truly happy or not. I wish I had that tenacity to put my family before myself – but I didn’t. I would have chosen you and if I couldn’t have you I would have chosen to die. Every day is a struggle to remind myself I have to be present for my children. That comes naturally for you and I admire that.
I know you are “just a man” as you’ve said so many times. Perhaps you can never understand the impact you had on my life. I miss you every day.
And I’m waging a guess you are missing me if you are stalking my IG.
Either that or Kelly has your IG password.
I do think I want to speak to him but then I ask myself why? What good would come of it (don’t answer, I know: none). But really, what would I get from it? I already know that it would create a longing for what I once had and is forever gone. That relationship can never come back and I nuclear blasted the bridge. Even if he did text or speak to me – what would I want to hear? There is nothing productive to be had from contact with him.
I let my crazy slip through.
But differently than before, I think about my actions and what I could net from them. I know this is fruitless.
And just like that, the feeling passes. There was a momentary madness in which I text him wanting to know “why?! What are you thinking about? How does it feel to kiss me? You do, don’t you?” Like I needed those answers. I don’t. I really don’t. No answer is a right answer or even a good answer. I don’t care about his answer.
I have gotten a million times better but I still have the crazy gene. It comes when I feel desperate about some situation in my life – one I can’t seem to “fix” and seemingly my brain believes it requires Tony to help me with the problem. Now that I know why and when it happens, I have to gain full control.
I’m doing better, but I am not healed. I still have to actively try to move on from that relationship.