More Marshall

Marshall did come back after our first date and subsequent first date sex.

I know that I am enjoying time with Marshall because there is no one else and I find him harmless.  And, I mean harmless to ME.  Marshall just isn’t the kind of guy I can fall for.

I believe I mentioned in the first post that he didn’t ask very many, if any, questions.  He feels like he is exactly where he is supposed to be in life and things that are meant to  be will manifest themselves, he doesn’t need to pursue them as long as he stays on the path he is on.  He doesn’t feel as though his life is missing anything, including a partner.

He can be equal parts interesting and frustrating to speak to.  Interesting because he’s got so much training in his coaching fields and I am curious about that.  But he is actually unable to share much because he will often say his meetings and courses just manifest themselves into something special thats hard to describe.  He can’t actually explain what they talk about, what they accomplish during courses, and how it gets applied.  If  I were ask him to give me some pointers or direction, he tells me that coaches are good listeners and not there to offer advice.  When we speak about something that he “knows about” there is no debate or discussion because he has already done his research and made up his mind about (whatever the topic is) and doesn’t see the point in debate as he knows he is correct.    I find it nearly impossible to have an actual engaging conversation with him, or perhaps better described as a reciprocal conversation, because he doesn’t actually interact in that way – now I am finding HIM hard to describe! lol.

Marshalls communication cadence is a killer for me in any relationship that I am interested in pursuing further.  He will write and call at random, say random things, and then not appear again until a day later.  When I questioned him about this, and also explained that it was difficult style for me because I am a words of affirmation person, he reinforced it was “my issue” because that was his style.  He isn’t tied to his phone and doesn’t let that guide him during a day.  He texts if he is thinking of me, but it doesn’t mean he needs to engage in further conversation with me.  He calls when he wants to hear my voice, but doesn’t leave a message asking to call back, or even send a follow up text to say he called.

I tried to flirt with him a little by text and ask if he liked it.  He replied of course he liked it and it was very welcome.  But after a few sexy text with no engagement, I stopped.  Non-reciprocated flirting is not fun.

He stopped by my home twice for a quick visit and some general making out and we discussed where we would have sex.  My boys are almost always home and my house would take some planning.  He said he had no issue having sex at his home, with his older daughter upstairs.  We planned the next date out, with an unspoken arrangement to go back to his home afterwards.  One night he was over we got a bit hot and heavy and I was pleasantly surprise he was able to make me cum, quite hard, with his fingers alone.  I don’t recall the last time a man did that.  I was left breathless.

So, I had pretty squarely put Marshall into the “right now” camp and was content with my decision.  Decent enough sex, fun enough dates, and a nice enough man until another comes along thats more engaging than he is.

The next date was fun, I stick to two glasses of wine which is enough for me to loosen up but not be drunk.  During the date I told him I had quite a bit of surgery and was conscious of the scars on my belly during sex.  He acknowledged it, but didn’t say anything.  I’ve already realized Marshall is never going to “give me” what I need – the words, but I am still struck by his lack of engagement on whats clearly an important topic to me.  Other than the first date, he has never commented on my looks, what he likes about me, what he likes from me, or what he finds engaging between us.  That’s because, for him, everything is as it should be and it doesn’t need discussion.  This is starting to irk me, but I am trying to understand his perspective and ways because I am curious (enough) about him.

When we went back to his house, my brain went into judgement mode, which is a bit unusual.  The house is so tiny, but ill kept.  Crammed with furniture that doesn’t belong in a small home, poorly organized.  It didn’t feel clean to me because there are gadgets everywhere – air purifiers, water purifiers, a little indoor garden etc.  He has a dog which is allowed everywhere in the home, and I personally don’t like this.  Even Mike’s apartment, which he had only lived in for a few months, felt clean, organized and well kept.  This house felt like a shell with lots of stuff crammed inside.  This wasn’t a great feeling for me.

The sex that night was good, not great.  Sort of like the first time.  He tried to make me cum, but my body wasn’t having any of it.  I really didn’t know what he liked and didn’t like other than his cock staying hard.  His body odor disturbs me a bit.  Because he is all-natural everything and wants to eliminate all toxins where he can, he doesn’t use deodorant with aluminum.  But when he sweats, the deodorant he is using just isn’t doing the job and I am super sensitive to smell.  He is also fully ketogenic – so he sort of tastes mildly like broccoli.

The night wasn’t bad, but since we walked in his home, I was off….my brain was whirring in too many directions.

A day or two later I happened to be at a grocery store near his home and he happened to text.  He asked me to stop by, so I did.  we took the dog for a walk and chatted about random nonsense.   He always holds my and which is sweet, and stopped for multiple kisses.  I wonder if he thinks showing the attention is enough?  I don’t even know.

Thats was last Monday.  I didn’t hear from him on Tuesday or Wednesday, nor did I text.  Thursday night he finally called me, but I didn’t answer because I was going out on another date.  He didn’t leave a message.  I’m writing this post on Sunday night and I still haven’t heard from him.

I’ve thought about him, and I’ve thought about texting him to say hello.  Some little things with me have happened that I know he would be interested to chat about.  But, I feel like “why”…why should I bother to reach out to him when he doesn’t seem to even try to communicate in a way that works better for me.  In a very passive way he has made it clear this is how he does things, and he doesn’t see the need to change.

He said one very telling thing to me the last time we were together – that he has only ever been in love once with the first girl he dated.  He’s never had his heart broken by a woman and he loved his wife, but wasn’t necessary in-love with his wife.  He just thought getting married was the thing to do then.    He hasn’t even felt the beginning stages of love in the past 20 years.  Don’t you think that’s a bit odd?  Don’t we all get those butterflies at some point when we meet someone great?

I think he only gets that feeling with his life coaching things, he talks about his coaches and his practice like a lover and gets a glow on his face and a far away look in his eyes.  Maybe he doesn’t actually know how to love a partner because he’s so self-absorbed.  Someone said in the comments that addicts tend to become addicted to something else once they stopped drinking and I can see how addicted he is to getting to his next level of self.  He talks about the theory of aging backwards and living well not your hundreds – when he asked if I am interested in that I clearly stated “No.”  I mean it, I don’t want to outlive my children, family and friends even if I am in the best health in the world.  I am also just fine with a little bit of negative ions, aluminum in my deodorant and carbs.  I now he doesn’t think his life is hard work, but it is for anyone around him – he just doesn’t care.

I have said to him I think it would be quite difficult for anyone to be in relationship with him unless they were in a similar space of growth.  He disagreed with me, because he sees me as open-minded and in a hyper-growth stage of life.  I don’t think he even sees himself anymore, he’s chasing some sort of feeling, some place of perfect self-actualization.  I read that people who are seeking this state, or have attained it, tend to prefer to be detached, like their privacy, and are independent of their social environment as they are so hyper-focused on self-growth.  I don’t even think I want to be with a person like that – I want them to be focused on me AT THE SAME TIME they are working on making themselves a better human!

I admit I am interested and curious about all of this self-actualization and the coaching, but being around Marshall oftentimes just feels weird, like we are not sharing the experience but we are both in the same place at the same time having the experience together – does that even make sense?

Anyway, I find it curious he hasn’t called me or text me in a while, so that may or may not be the end of Marshall.

 

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

2 thoughts on “More Marshall”

  1. Meh – cluttered house, cluttered mind. It sounds like Marshall is caught up in the Coaching & Self-Awareness cult. It becomes so much inner work that oftentimes nothing is left for interacting with folks in the real world. You killed me with him tasting like broccoli. 🤣

    Liked by 1 person

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