Another Chapter Finishes

I learned last week that my contract will end in my current role. I wasn’t surprised, but I was hopeful.

I suspect they did try to bring me in, but I’m overqualified and they are laying off, not hiring. I believe I made a decent impression and showed them what I can bring to the table what they do not have within the team.

In any case, my last day is next week

That also means the money dries up. I don’t want to panic, but I’m pretty anxiety ridden about not having an income. I can manage for a month or two, but beyond that I have to start to withdraw from my long term savings which makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I’m sick of running as fast I can in life and I feel like there’s no rest. It always feels like an uphill battle. I didn’t think I would burn out the way I did last year but it’s had such a profound affect on me that I can no longer think and behave the same. I don’t want to work like that anymore, I want to live and breathe. But. Money.

Same as anyone else.

I’ve been looking for a job for a solid 6 months and there has been absolutely nothing out there. Even lower levels or different industries. I can’t even get an interview. My friends who lost their jobs in ’16 along with me are in the same boat, but they are all married and have 2 incomes. I know they feel pressure but it’s a different kind.

My x has stepped up a bit more than usual. I think I’ve learned a lesson on how to interact with him so that it doesn’t cause me massive anxiety. He will push me to a breaking point and I just can’t waiver with my initial decisions. I notice when I stay the course, and really refuse to budge that he backs down and makes his own decisions, which have actually included contributing to some finances for the kids.

I’m very worried and stressed. Add a relatively newish relationship with my adult sister and my nerves are not doing well. I find myself wanting to retreat from everyone again and hide. I’m beginning to think I’m really just not a social creature. I don’t think this is a new feeling for me, I just don’t think I’ve identified it before and tuned into it. I’ve always said I don’t really like people, but more and more lately, I don’t really like anyone. My frustration with people rises quickly and maybe it’s because of my anxiety, but maybe it’s because I just don’t like social interaction. I don’t really know but I think it’s something I need to pay better attention to.

Speaking of which, I have my sisters bachelorette party Which I worked really hard to plan and now feel like I’ve been penalized for over-planning. I wanted to surprise her and make is super special and it seems she would have been happier being stupid drunk for 2 days with no planning.

Lately, I feel like I can’t catch a break.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

3 thoughts on “Another Chapter Finishes”

  1. OMG – I completely feel you. Before I got this current job, my anxiety was ridiculous due to my income instability. This current job is paying 20% less than what I wanted, however, the security offsets the money.

    All I can say is keep doing what you are doing in the job search. This job came to me from a GF who works at the company. We had never worked together, so you never know who could send you a lead.

    As for the withdrawal from social stuff – be careful. That can be a sign of depression. You don’t have to go out all the time, but avoiding chatting with friends, etc. could be a symptom.

    Hang in there. It will get better.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I know the feeling all too well. “Overqualified” really means you’re too old to hire long term for the big bucks and that you won’t be in the work field long enough for an employer to recover their investment, that and they can hire some young kid for way less money.

    And it sucks. I agree with Maggie – do not withdraw from social stuff; walling yourself off is not a good thing and you know it since, um, you’ve done it before and had me say something to you about it, right?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. When do you plan on retiring? Maybe find another position like the one you had and hire a financial planner to help you invest for when the job runs out. Maybe you can retire early and become a fitness blogger. Fitness and health sells and you’ve experienced good and bad. As someone who needs to lose the weight but feels age creeping up it would be inspiring to see someone older than 35 that did it. That’s like a hobby that pays a little not an actual job.

    Just trying to come up with long term ideas.


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