So I went on my very first activity date! In fact, it’s probably the only activity date I’ve ever been on, come to think of it! I really need to step up my dating game.
It’s been an interesting couple weeks since I realized I don’t have to overthink every man as a “potential” or not. I can enjoy a man just for company. I have a feeling it’s actually good practice for me. Something clearly isn’t going right if I can’t find a man who wants to go on more than 2-3 dates with me.
I met Marshall the usual way, on Bumble and we had a nice online conversation and switched to text. Text turned to phone. I wouldn’t say it was the easiest conversation, it required a bit of effort to keep a flow, but he was kind, sweet and interested. Divorced for many years with an older daughter, a great job, house and dog, well educated and articulate. No immediate red flags.
When I showed my friend his photo they made faces and said “beefcake” or “meathead”. Neither has a good connotation. He’s quite built up in his photos and I get what they see, but his personality is contradictory to his physique, so I wanted to meet him.
He had something I would equate to a boys shyness, which was very appealing. I felt like he liked me and was a bit fascinated he liked me so quickly. It was cute. The conversation never, not even once, wandered into sexual territory. I found him interesting with a diverse background. We hit upon how people change in their lives after trauma. Obviously that would be an instant connection for me and I wanted to learn more. We agreed it was better to tell those stories in person.
Recently, his daughter moved from Brazil back to his home, and he was a sole caretaker of a young adult. He was keeping her busy with whatever he could – and one of those things was horror movies and haunted houses. When he was telling me about them I also got excited because I love them so much and not everyone is a fan of horror. I mentioned to him that would be a fabulous first date and he ran with it! He booked us a scary hay ride for the following weekend!
I was a bit leery that could go all sorts of wrong since it would be a first date, but then I figured I could manage through no matter what. If he enjoyed these things the way I did it would be fun regardless if we were attracted to one another or not. I was looking forward to it.
Marshall wasn’t a constant communicator, but he always made sure I knew he was interested in hearing from me and speaking to me. I couldn’t predict when I might hear from him, but I knew I would. He would indicate that when we didn’t speak that he missed having a chat that day – not in the saccharine way I usually fall for, but more straightforward like “I enjoy our conversations and miss when we don’t connect”. A bit different than the full-on I normally go for, but all good all the same.
Friday night arrived and it was a pleasant surprise for me not to feel like I should get “dressed” for the date. I kept my makeup low key and wore sweatpants and a hoodie with a denim jacket – we were going to a cornfield after all. I’m starting to believe there is something overtly sexy about me which I actually don’t realize and don’t seem to have control over (because I truly don’t fully understand it). I’ve heard the comment so frequently that’s there’s just “something in my look” that I can no longer discount it. No female friends ever hint at anything like this, I don’t look in the mirror and see it (unless I am trying to be sexy, that’s entirely different to me than this thing men keep talking about). My tone of flirting in text, my voice on the phone, my eyes in a photo…I’m not being obnoxious when I say I don’t get it – I think I look like an attractive woman, but don’t feel anything about me reads overtly sexy. This is why I realized I was a bit relieved to be in sneakers for this date.
One of the first things he said when he saw me was “you look great, you’re hair is so sexy.”😂🙄. I can’t win. Lol.
Anyway, I digress. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw him – he was absolutely more slim in person than his photos a no gym rat muscle man was evident. I knew those muscles were there, but he didn’t have that appearance of spending way too much time on the gym to earn the title “meat head “. He was handsome in a non-traditional way and had an easy smile. I knew the night would be fine.
And the night was fine, perfect. There were so many great moments. We really had fun and got a lot of silly scares in massive cornfields! I loved it.
Without recounting every step here were some highlights:
I noticed in the car the conversation was stilted. He wanted me to speak, but when I was quiet too long, he would start up. He’s in sales so I’m a little fascinated how reserved he is overall. He mentioned he prefers to listen than speak.
I realized he wasn’t asking questions. He would answer anything I asked, but I didn’t feel he was as interested in finding out more about me. Conversely, he held my hand the entire car ride and kissed me the moment we stood outside the car. His love languages (he took the quiz when I told him about it!) are physical touch and quality time.
He treated me like a girlfriend. Held my hand the entire time. Pulled me close. Wanted to hold me (we stood in line for several haunted attractions at the farm). Kissed me frequently and deeply. I love this kind of behavior and I fall into it quite easily but since this was unlike sitting in a bar and drinking and overtly flirting, this genuinely felt more intimate. He didn’t let go of me the entire evening, which I adored, but still found super intimate for a first date
While on the hayride he held me while I gazed up at the stars. Despite being around a bunch of people, it was very romantic. He couldn’t take his eyes off of me or his hands from holding me to him.
Our night was excellent. But, not especially easy or fluid in my opinion. We laughed, but not so much because he made me laugh as much as creepy people jumping out of the woods and scaring the shit out of me!
He told me during the evening he didn’t drink and he ate Keto. I know it’s silly but both of those things disappoint me. He is also an “enlightened” type – a Tony Robbins protege who is building his own life-coaching skills. He is always in “presence” and feels his life is exactly where it should be. He doesn’t view not having a partner or being in love as “missing something”. My spidey-sense began to kick in, something wasn’t what it should be. I don’t think I’m ready for transcendence.
We decide to have a drink after the activity. It was at the bar that I heard his story. The short version was that he is an alcoholic, recovering now for about 6 years or so – well that threw me for a loop. The first man I ever dated before divorce was an alcoholic. Frank couldn’t maintain recovery. Marshall was different, he was not only recovered but had moved into a very different plane of life.
Healthy and clean living where fitness is a priority. Mediation every day. No microwave, organic food, sleep monitoring, etc etc. Transcendent. Evolved. Operating on a different plane.
Not. For. Me.
Why do I find someone who has turns their life around so fantastically a bit, well, irritating?
I’m not sure, exactly.
I like my wine. I like to complain. I don’t want to always find the peace in every situation. I don’t think I want to work so hard to change everything to achieve “presence” and “enlightenment”.
And then he says, I’ve done more than most. Yea, so maybe. I find much joy these days in coaching others, but I am inconsistent and can’t really hold myself accountable. I have made a major change in my life, but not to a point where I’m so zen and want to take a 2 week course with a guru in India to talk about my enlightenment.
Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t push his agenda AT ALL. Not even once. I asked a lot of questions. I was curious, engaged and interested. He’s got an amazing story.
And he knew I had one too – but he didn’t ask.
So I found that to be – well, false.
He didn’t ask me questions. I don’t think it’s because he’s not interested, I actually believe because he feels it should come organically – if the story is meant to be told it will be told, but not because he asks me tell it.
It may have been around this time I mentioned that my love language might be an issue for him since I know I’m all about “words of affirmation”. Him sitting waiting for me to tell my stories wasn’t going to happen as organically as he thought – I need to feel someone is interested and engaged and can share and provide feedback. I don’t get that from him. I also need him to engage first more frequently.
Which is interesting…
Because, when you go through AA successfully, you then become a sponsor. He has been a very good sponsor to many, which made me think, could he really be in relationship with someone who didn’t experience the disease? He didn’t have any truly successful relationships in the past several years – nice girls and all for a few months, but no one growing in the same track as him. But he was successful as a mentor and sponsor, which means he has the support skills … so back to my theory he may only understand how to do that for like-minded individuals.
I knew I wouldn’t be either. I didn’t want to be. It didn’t mean I didn’t like him or the time we spent together. I think he’s a good man. He’s a fabulous kisser! But I’m sure he’s not for me.
Once I arrived at my decision, which was getting there all night mind you, his story just sealed the deal for me…I figured I could have sex with him! 😂
I asked him home.
We was slow and gentle. Never going beyond what I allowed. I’ve been so horny lately that it was truly hard for me to go slow. This may have been the first time since Tony that I wasn’t tipsy or drunk. All faculties were firing when my pants came down and his mouth was upon me. And…oh my, he is hands down some of the best oral sex I’ve ever received. I came so fast and so hard that even I was surprised. Another fabulous surprise was the size of his cock! He debunked the small hand myth (he hands are small, his feet were not!?). His cock was perfect and we had pretty good sex for the first time. Not especially exciting, but just fine.
After he left, I sent the requisite thank you and he replied. I heard from him the next morning and then radio silence for the entire rest of the day.
I don’t know what to think. He’s a very smart man, I think he would have sensed we were “off” for one another.
Would I see him again? Yes, absolutely. Why not?
But who knows.
Does it matter? Not especially. He comes back, great. If not, that’s ok too. I was grateful for a fun evening and good sex. Even more grateful for his excellent oral skills!