Hello, Tony

I don’t know how long it’s been, since I’ve had any contact with Tony – months and months. A long time for me at least.

I was on Peloton about two weeks ago and I looked him up and he happened to be on a ride. I gave him a “virtual high five” and exited the app. Cracked myself up knowing that would probably aggravate him.

Sometime later he changed his screen name. I thought to myself “wow, he really hates me”. Maybe he does. I fucked with his life and his family. In his mind, I’m the one who did the damage to his family. I just laughs that he would go to the trouble to change his screen name. Obviously I saw it changed! 😂

I’m not giving myself a hall pass, what I did was wrong. Even if I don’t feel any shame or remorse over it, I know it was unnecessary for me to text his wife. I’m unsure if I would change it though.

That action created a release in me and I’ve been in the road to recovery since Feb 11th. Maybe not perfect – I’ve sent him text from the burner which I wrote about earlier – but much better. This little bird box (that’s what we call a virtual high five) was actually me being pretty much an asshole for no good reason.

This is what the blog is here for. My honesty. Don’t much care that I did it. Made me laugh at both of us. I laughed even harder when he went to the length to change his screen name.

Forgot about it for several days as I got busy in life.

I’ve been back on social media a bit more again as I’ve found my time to scroll, rather than letting it suck up time that is better spent elsewhere. I’ve always like IG better than Facebook so tend to post there and they have a feature called “stories” where your post only stays up for 24 hours. I usually put my Peloton work up every day to keep accountable with my Peloton tribe. Once you post a story, you can see who viewed your story. Sometimes I look, sometimes I don’t. I pretty much know my regular followers. Once in a while I get some random ones based on the hashtags I use.

Guess who has been peeping my stories?

He hasn’t been there for months and months. Gosh, maybe the last time I saw his name was April or so?

I figured he would look once and then go back into hiding, but he’s been looking every day now.

I don’t feel anything about this other than the curiosity I generated to write this post. I have no desire to reach out to him or speak to him. I assume my little bird box prompted him to look at my profile.

Doesn’t matter much. He will see a different person and a lot of positivity. He can pat himself on the back that I’ve recovered from him. I hope it makes him feel better for what he put me through.

And if it doesn’t, I don’t care anymore.

It’s taken way too long to get here and feel this ambivalence- but at least I’ve made it.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

7 thoughts on “Hello, Tony”

  1. STAY AMBIVALENT!! And stay the heck away from him, you little minx. No good will come of communication between the two of you.
    Now that I’m done scolding.. WOW, look at all the amazing progress you have made!! Congratulations!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Here’s a question – now that you’ve rattled the bird cage, so to speak. What would you do if he reached out to you with a text or comment? If you can truthfully say that you wouldn’t even care and you’d ignore it, then good for you! However, if you believe that you would respond to him because you’d like to be friends or because you’re curious, then I’d submit that there is a reason you gave him the virtual high five – because you wanted to see what reaction you got and if it provoked interest. I’m not saying that’s the case — just suggesting that you think about the reason behind your action. Remember that ambivalence doesn’t mean a lack of feeling – it means “the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone,” and I think when it comes to Tony, you should be be aiming for a clear LACK of feeling or ideas — not ambivalence. That man is not good for you or for Trixie.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Very good point.

      I would care if he reached out.

      Surprisingly, I didn’t feel the need to poke at him when I saw him stalking my IG. I know it’s crazy-town talk, but that’s a step forward for me.

      He won’t reach out. Im almost certain. It would be hard for me to not respond if he did. We can’t be friends or anything at all, this much I know. Unless it’s many years from now like Dan.

      Liked by 2 people

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