She’s Off Her Meds!

This is literally the most welcome thing I have felt in over a year.

My libido is back in all its glory.

Thank Christ. I was worried there for bit.

It’s not exactly a surprise, I’ve worked with my doctors. But, despite that, I was risking other possible issues.

Last year, after my breakdown, I needed to get back on a stronger anti-anxiety medication. The one I had been on for years and years had stopped working and I had been crying and hysterical – out of emotional control – for too long. The doctor chose a basic, but strong new medication for me.

Luckily I had a good friend go on the same meds a couple month before me and she warned me what to experience. The first few weeks were pretty awful. Once my body adjusted I felt like a part of me was just shut down.

The tears stopped. Most intense feelings were just gone. There were no real highs and lows. Things went flat.

This was ok for the time. This was what I needed to pull me out of the spiral I had been in. My body chemistry is always going to need help with depression and anxiety, and I am not opposed to being medicated. Even then, I wasn’t opposed to being shut off either.

Now that’s it’s been 9 months and I began to feel some desire to be sexual again, I needed to call the doctor to revisit these meds. I was having trouble reaching orgasm even through masturbation with the hitachi on high! Never mind that I wasn’t getting much sensation during good sex.

The recent sex I’ve had has really been fabulous. Had I been off those drugs, no doubt it would have been even more off the charts. It was time to consider coming off the meds.

I was worried. I don’t want to go off the deep end again. I don’t want to start being anxious all day and crying again. That trade off wouldn’t be worth it. The doctor suggested a secondary medicine a few months back that I took in addition to the primary one. She had said, when I was ready to stop the primary, the secondary might be enough to give me the anxiety control I needed without the dead inside feeling.

It was worth a try.

So, about 3 weeks ago, I came off the meds.

And this weekend for the first time in years, I was able to masturbate with no aids and have multiple orgasms. Holy cow. The sex with Charles was also pretty intensely felt – I’m certain, had I not been drinking, he was going to make me orgasm, he had an absolutely unique method that my body all out responded to, despite the weird way he held me in position.

You have no idea what a relief this is because I was concerned my body was going to live in this dead zone forever.

I am aware it’s not only about my libido, I have to be careful no other depression and anxiety signs creep in without a discussion with my doctor. I had to reduce the dosage of the secondary meds pretty quickly as they suddenly gave me such a buzzy feeling. Once the primary drug was removed, and the deadness with it, the secondary medicine was too strong in its original dosage. So curious how these drugs all work on our bodies and brains.

I figured post all the sex and light bulb moments it would be good to clarify I got off my meds 😂.

Shhhhh don’t tell Trixie!

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

9 thoughts on “She’s Off Her Meds!”

  1. Um, should us menfolk be very worried? I’ve never been a fan of medications that suppresses libido and makes you feel like you’re trapped inside your own head but sometimes they’re necessary evils and ones that when you can stop taking them, can give you a different appreciation of things after so much time being locked inside yourself.

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    1. I’m thinking I might have a little one night stand run! Lol. No, not intentionally.

      I hear you about meds but I will always need them. When my mother passed in 2011 I had such severe anxiety and depression it was the first time I went on meds and I could feel the difference. I didn’t have to try many before they found one that worked well.

      When I think about the timing in my life 2011 losing a parent and by 2012 knowing my marriage needed to be over for good and all the financial responsibility and child rearing was going to fall on my shoulders, it’s no wonder I needed to be medicated.

      Let’s hope I’ve got myself under enough control and have less overall stress at the moment, to begin to take my body back.

      I never felt locked inside myself on the drug I had for about 4 years, but this past year was an obvious difference – which I believe I needed temporarily.

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      1. Why not intentionally? Shit, I would… and the reason why is because I can. It seems to me that if your libido has decided to get back to work, well, ya need to put it to work. But I kinda/sorta understand women in that, let’s say, a one night stand – or a few of them – is exactly what the doctor ordered… and then they start finding reasons not to; it should all be saved up for Mr. Right and not wasted on Mr. Right Now.

        As I see it, you have two purposes among all the other stuff you gotta do: Find someone you can be with and as “permanently” as allowable… and answer the call when your libido says, “Girlfriend, we need to get laid!”

        Doesn’t mean you stop searching for Mr. Right. You want it? Go get you some! If it’s all that and a bag of chips, fine -that always works. If not, okay, two things: You still got laid and there are many others who’d are more than willing to take you to bed…

        And just because you need to be taken to bed; you want to be taken; you need to be taken. Other things will get in the way of this – occupational hazard – but I don’t see a damned thing wrong with intentionally having a one night stand run because I think you understand the difference between answering that call of nature and your project to find a partner.

        So I’ll ask again: Why not intentionally? I know you could do it and in a very responsible way and not read any more into it other than what it is: Madeline just needs to get screwed, nothing more, nothing less.

        Maybe Mr. Right will be discovered and acquired but until that happens, Madeline still has some work that has to be done… and work that is best done being naked.

        I’m thinking that us menfolk should be very worried – and for you, that’s a good thing as you relearn what it means to be Madeline and, importantly, I think, the Madeline she wants and needs to be.

        Perhaps there are other women reading this and thinking, “I wouldn’t do that…” and get to thinking about that list of reasons why they wouldn’t… and, perhaps, not thinking about why they should if they can; I know it’s the thing that makes me crazy about women even though I do understand why they do this… and insist that they shouldn’t.

        Just saying.

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      2. You always have the best male perspective. I’m more worried a string of one nighters will start to feel like a failure or too much rejection for me.

        On another note I did swipe in some ridiculous hotties that would never be boyfriend material. And maybe that’s how I should pursue the one nighters – just not someone I want to date long term but great for tonight.

        Since Maggie is always in my head as the “reframe this” Queen – and with everything goth said – maybe that’s what I need to do. Be intentional. Reframe the process.

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      3. And I say to you in all honesty, it’s not gonna be a failure and rejection, in and of itself, isn’t really a deterrent… unless you think it is… and I’m suggesting that you don’t think that way.

        Women aren’t fans of Mr. Right Now… while understanding that they can serve a purpose. Now, you could fail to get a Mr. Right Now into your bed – it’s a form of rejection… and, okay, it’s not any fault of yours if he didn’t want to accept your offer.

        But you know that someone will – and that’s the only thing that matters in this particular aspect. Not a long-term kind of guy but that’s fine; he has one “job” – to scratch your itches as best as he can.

        Maybe he does… and maybe he doesn’t – shit happens or doesn’t, right? The question to be asked and answered is, “Did I get laid?”

        Yes. Purpose served, need fulfilled even if you didn’t get sent to the next zip code… because you do know that someone will do just that and, if for no other reason than you do take much pleasure from the act itself and the outcome is gonna be whatever it’s gonna be.

        It’s being in the moment and something a lot of can’t do – we’re too busy and concerned about other stuff that, ultimately, detracts from the sense of accomplishment of checking out Mr. or Ms. Right Now.

        Will I enjoy them? Will they enjoy me? Things to think about… and not so much. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to be in that moment and without a single thought or concern about anything other than the moment itself.

        See, I think that women think, “I need to get laid…” and then start thinking of every reason under the sun why they shouldn’t and, I also think, without really realizing that by doing this, all they’re really doing is making themselves miserable.

        Indeed, many of us are focused on who, what, and how… and not really thinking about the act itself. The end result, again, is gonna be whatever it’s gonna be but the main thing is being in the moment.

        Did he make me cum? Did he cum? Again, things to think about but, eh, I wouldn’t worry about that a whole lot – but I know why that might not happen. Still, if it does, it won’t be because I wasn’t in the moment and doing what I can do, not for the result… but for the act itself.

        So, yeah: You wanna get laid? Go get laid. You can debate with yourself after the fact whether it was da shit or not but the question remains valid: Did you do what you wanted to do?

        Of course you did and in the case that, eh, it could have been better, well, there’s always the next Mr. Right Now, right? And if you ravage some mother’s son, well, it is what it is; the purpose has been served and the need fulfilled because what you wanted to do was to get laid, nothing more or less.

        Now, that really doesn’t mean going on a rampage but, sure, okay – if a small rampage is going to take care of that need and, importantly, do wonders for your self-confidence, then you do what you gotta do toward that very worthy goal.

        I know how you feel about your body and all that it’s been through and it kinda plagues you – but it is what it is and your other mission, if you choose to accept it, is to not let that steal your joy of engaging in the act itself… and because in the here and now, because you can.

        Hard for women to wrap their heads around and I do get it… but I’m still the guy who’d tell you that getting your head around this particular thing can go a long way toward being very okay with yourself.

        You know that despite what your body has gone through, you can still do it; you still want to do it… so go do it and have fun being in the moment and doing it.

        Save the concerns and other stuff for after the fact and be confident that you did all you could to make it the best it could be.

        I know you have a thing for guys who can be in charge and that’s fine… but you still have to be in charge and get what you want even if that means wresting control from him and letting your inner freak run the show.

        He might not be enjoying himself for some reason… shouldn’t stop you from enjoying yourself and to whatever extent that happens.

        It’s not ever a failure, Madeline. The only real failure is if you want to do it and you don’t. Rejection? It sucks and men know this better than women do since, you know, y’all reject us a lot and to the point where we get used to it.

        And while you know that some guys aren’t going to “take the bait,” you also know that one swipe of your finger will eventually get someone to take the bait and “simply” because you’re a woman and one looking to get laid in that NSA way.

        While being on the lookout for Mr. Right.

        Be intentional. Not only reframe the process but own the shit out of it and flaunt it as much as you want to. Why? Because you can and because you want to. If your gut tells you that this Mr. Right Now feels wrong, well, leave him alone and check out the next Mr. Right Now. The mission is to get a guy to do you – and you know how fucking easy this is. You know that he may or may not turn into Mr. Right and that’s fine… but until proven otherwise, he “simply” need to fill a purpose and one that you really shouldn’t ignore or even have the concerns that you mentioned.

        People think this kind of sex lacks meaning; it’s empty and without substance… and I say to you that they’re about as wrong as they can be and because of the way they look at this.

        I’m saying don’t make the same mistake everyone else does. It does have meaning, and it sure as hell ain’t empty or without substance. Why? Because it’s something you want and need to do as a part of dealing with yourself so if that doesn’t mean anything, you and I need to talk some more about this.

        If it makes Madeline happy, own that shit. Get yours. Don’t feel bad about getting yours and just because you want to get it. Was it good? Not so much? Eh, occupational hazards – shit happens or it doesn’t. Still, no reason not to do it when you feel the need to do it.

        No failures. Rejection not even a real issue. Madeline taking care of what Madeline needs is all that matters. Maybe Madeline wants to go on that one night stand rampage – great and I do feel sorry for your victims – uh, partners in this.

        Own it. Revel in the fact that you can do it. Make the most out of every encounter and, if you can, don’t worry about the outcome so much because unless I’m wrong, this is really about Madeline getting to be the Madeline she wants and needs to be.

        Mr. Right is out there… somewhere. But until you find him, Mr. Right Now serves a purpose. He beds you and no matter what the outcome is, it is proof that you still got it like that and that you can still get your freak on.

        And if that doesn’t build confidence in yourself, I don’t know what else will. So do what you gotta do and be careful doing it.

        But if you gotta do it, then do it.

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