Lightbulb Moment – Mike

Oh, Michael.

I like you.

But, you are inconsistent at best. You’re great when we are together but I can’t be left wondering what’s going on in between.

You’re a nice guy. I believe you want to see me again, but you haven’t continued as you started and that’s always been an issue for me. An issue I couldn’t manage in the past.

But I think I’m ready to tackle someone like you now.

Maybe.

You check all my boxes x2. You are so fucking hot I can’t stand it. You have that freaking cute and silly factor that so many just don’t. Your Daddy style is off the charts. You’ve got it allllll in my book. We laugh and laugh and laugh and I’m so happy when I’m with you.

And, I know, you love it when I’m around you. You can’t fake it.

But…now I see you don’t really ask me a whole lot of questions. Nothing important. My life, my emotions, they don’t resonate for you. One thing I learned from Tony was that he cared about me deeply. He knew everything about me and he paid a lot of attention. He was my friend. If you were ever going to work, you would need to show me some of that, and you haven’t in this past month.

I equate that to disinterest.

That used to mean I would have to try to pull it from you. Thinking I could actually get it! 🙄. I now understand I shouldn’t bother. If you like me enough, you will come back again and again. I had to sine this light into my own dark corner of needy and anxious attachment and realize you are, more than likely, not ready to give me what I need. I knew that the moment I heard you were only separated, yet I tried to quiet the voice and shut the lights so I can ignore the truth.

Sorry, can’t do it to myself anymore.

Maybe you stick around for great sex, if some of the things you said are true, like you don’t like multiple partners and prefer just one.

Maybe you never give the emotional connection I crave.

I don’t need to force it. I realize how precious the laughter between us is now. It’s good enough to leave it be what it is. Maybe something. Maybe nothing.

Chances lean toward nothing, so with that, I’ve squarely put you into the “whatever will be will be” category and my job is to keep you there. I would love to see if there’s anything there. If there’s not, then there’s not and I am going to be ok with that.

KDaddys comments have literally been like he’s in my mind this week regarding you and how I want to approach this with you.

If you ask me out again, great but when/if you don’t, based on some mysteriously made-up timeline my anxiety comes up with, it ISN’T the end of the world. I can’t let my anxiety decide to let this relationship go off the rails before it’s even out of the station.

I cannot be an architect and build an imaginary relationship with you.

I cannot be a detective and uncover clues about where you are, who you are with and why you are not with me.

I cannot create a problem just to insist on a solution.

I cannot. I am going to find an additional mantra for my meditation because you get to close to unlocking anxiety’s door and I need to keep that shit on lock down.

This isn’t easy for me because, well, you check too god damn many boxes, without even realizing. I wish we could just have a conversation to clarify “what are we doing here?” I wish you could be honest.

I wish, take a deep breath and then, I reframe and remind myself “does it really matter?”

Just yesterday you told me you bought me a bottle of my favorite wine – which surprised me. You’re thinking of me? Don’t you buy a girls favorite wine when you plan to see her again?

My friend said don’t read into it, maybe you’re even lying. But I’m not built to be quite so cynical. I would like to think you saw it, thought of me, and figured I would be with you again, at some point. That’s good enough for me and I don’t think I’m reading too much into it.

You’re a test for me, Michael. A test I hope I don’t fail because it means I get hurt fooling myself.

So here’s to you being a better man than some of the others and being honest with yourself as well as me.

Let’s enjoy each other.

Let me learn what casual dating with no expectations feels like.

Cause laughter and sex with you is something I just want more of.

The trick is to remember I don’t need it.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

5 thoughts on “Lightbulb Moment – Mike”

  1. You’ve once again nailed it. See, if you expect nothing, you can’t be disappointed; if you learn just to be in the moment and only one moment at a time, the chances of being hurt are lessened; we get hurt the most when that which we expected never materializes.

    Now. One could argue that one should have expectations based upon their overall goal, plan, whatever you wanna call it and one might say you’re crazy (not you) to not expect things to go in whatever way you need them to. But it does make a lot of sense not to read more into a situation – a “common” mistake almost everyone makes and all driven by what one wants – the end game, if you will.

    Michael wants to have sex and you want him to do you. Okay, that’s the moment. No real expectations until the sex actually begins because Mr. Murphy just loves to throw monkey wrenches in the best laid plans, doesn’t he? The overall plan is for someone to want you for more than just that – not that you’re gonna (or should) object to just that – but the trick is to not let the plan get you expecting something that may not show up.

    I’d say – and at the risk of maybe contradicting you in a way – that you do need it; otherwise, you wouldn’t be doing it. What I think you’re really saying is that your world ain’t gonna come to an end if you don’t get it per the plan and, I also think, this is a “better” approach.

    If the plan gets completed to your satisfaction, great! Congrats! But if not, just be in and enjoy the moment; if there’s more to come (and even literally so, heh, heh), good; if nothing more than that, good – not the end of the world, is it?

    When checking boxes, sometimes, it’s about accepting that in some situations, not all boxes are gonna get checked… but maybe just enough of them will for you to enjoy yourself and them in some way, from just enjoying their company or, well, you know what else.

    You are learning and I say to you, brava, Madeline! Now, let me say something about failure, if I may? If you fail this test, don’t worry yourself sick about it; if you never fail, you never learn how to succeed – sometimes, you gotta get it wrong to find out how to get it right. Don’t go into this thinking that you’re gonna fail – just be aware that you might and tell yourself – and Anxiety – “It’s all good; this was already accounted for and I can handle it.” Be aware of the possibility but don’t let Anxiety latch onto this; she’ll make you quite miserable and that cannot be allowed any more.

    Maybe it seems like I’ve got you bugged because I kinda/sorta understand you? I dunno… kinda scary, huh? Boo!

    Like

  2. You need to bookmark this post and re-read it every time your anxiety surfaces about Michael. He’s in your life for a reason and I think you have figured out the why.

    We all know the “rebound” person post divorce is usually not the long term one. Great post. Keep it close and read it after every date with him.

    Liked by 1 person

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