I like you.
But, you are inconsistent at best. You’re great when we are together but I can’t be left wondering what’s going on in between.
You’re a nice guy. I believe you want to see me again, but you haven’t continued as you started and that’s always been an issue for me. An issue I couldn’t manage in the past.
But I think I’m ready to tackle someone like you now.
You check all my boxes x2. You are so fucking hot I can’t stand it. You have that freaking cute and silly factor that so many just don’t. Your Daddy style is off the charts. You’ve got it allllll in my book. We laugh and laugh and laugh and I’m so happy when I’m with you.
And, I know, you love it when I’m around you. You can’t fake it.
But…now I see you don’t really ask me a whole lot of questions. Nothing important. My life, my emotions, they don’t resonate for you. One thing I learned from Tony was that he cared about me deeply. He knew everything about me and he paid a lot of attention. He was my friend. If you were ever going to work, you would need to show me some of that, and you haven’t in this past month.
I equate that to disinterest.
That used to mean I would have to try to pull it from you. Thinking I could actually get it! 🙄. I now understand I shouldn’t bother. If you like me enough, you will come back again and again. I had to sine this light into my own dark corner of needy and anxious attachment and realize you are, more than likely, not ready to give me what I need. I knew that the moment I heard you were only separated, yet I tried to quiet the voice and shut the lights so I can ignore the truth.
Sorry, can’t do it to myself anymore.
Maybe you stick around for great sex, if some of the things you said are true, like you don’t like multiple partners and prefer just one.
Maybe you never give the emotional connection I crave.
I don’t need to force it. I realize how precious the laughter between us is now. It’s good enough to leave it be what it is. Maybe something. Maybe nothing.
Chances lean toward nothing, so with that, I’ve squarely put you into the “whatever will be will be” category and my job is to keep you there. I would love to see if there’s anything there. If there’s not, then there’s not and I am going to be ok with that.
KDaddys comments have literally been like he’s in my mind this week regarding you and how I want to approach this with you.
If you ask me out again, great but when/if you don’t, based on some mysteriously made-up timeline my anxiety comes up with, it ISN’T the end of the world. I can’t let my anxiety decide to let this relationship go off the rails before it’s even out of the station.
I cannot be an architect and build an imaginary relationship with you.
I cannot be a detective and uncover clues about where you are, who you are with and why you are not with me.
I cannot create a problem just to insist on a solution.
I cannot. I am going to find an additional mantra for my meditation because you get to close to unlocking anxiety’s door and I need to keep that shit on lock down.
This isn’t easy for me because, well, you check too god damn many boxes, without even realizing. I wish we could just have a conversation to clarify “what are we doing here?” I wish you could be honest.
I wish, take a deep breath and then, I reframe and remind myself “does it really matter?”
Just yesterday you told me you bought me a bottle of my favorite wine – which surprised me. You’re thinking of me? Don’t you buy a girls favorite wine when you plan to see her again?
My friend said don’t read into it, maybe you’re even lying. But I’m not built to be quite so cynical. I would like to think you saw it, thought of me, and figured I would be with you again, at some point. That’s good enough for me and I don’t think I’m reading too much into it.
You’re a test for me, Michael. A test I hope I don’t fail because it means I get hurt fooling myself.
So here’s to you being a better man than some of the others and being honest with yourself as well as me.
Let’s enjoy each other.
Let me learn what casual dating with no expectations feels like.
Cause laughter and sex with you is something I just want more of.
The trick is to remember I don’t need it.