Meet Charles

Lightbulb moments to the side for a second, let’s tell the Charles story.

Charles is really handsome and has a rock solid beautiful physique.

He knows it. He’s not exactly cocky about it, but he’s called himself fit and handsome enough times that I know what he thinks of himself and how important it is to him that he is proud of those attributes. That turns me off when anyone does that. When you’re good looking it’s obvious enough to anyone, it’s not a hidden talent, so what’s up that you feel the need to reinforce it? Maybe he’s got skeletons in his closet too.

We matched and started texting immediately. As with most men this age, he calls me quickly too. We hit it off easily.

I realized almost immediately, because this was on the heels of Tom, he was more interested in talking about himself than he was in getting to know me. This repeated the entire week we spoke and when I met him in person. I can’t believe how I’ve disregarded this behavior before. It makes it so much easier to see past the “check boxes” and move on. I don’t want a man like this and I know it. I am more emotionally needy, I want someone to be invested in learning about me, not how I check their boxes.

Who am I? 😂. Can’t believe how crystal clear this has become.

Charles lives about 90 plus minutes from me and I was clear there would be little opportunity for me to come to him. He didn’t care and insisted he would always come to me. He wanted to meet me soon, but I had plans I didn’t think would work around the distance.

I was away for the Labor Day weekend with my cousins and when I arrived to the beach house on Thursday, I was told we were going out to a local bar. The girls wanted updated on dating stories, so I obliged as we were getting ready. Showed my cousins photos of Mike, Tom and Charles and everyone thought Charles was the most handsome. My one cousin wanted to invite him down to join us that evening.

Once we start drinking and having fun, my cousin started texting (on my phone) with Charles and challenged him about his really wanting to drive almost 2 hours to date me. He accepted the challenge. Could I have stopped it? Sure. Did I care? I was sort of curious who would want to drive late at night just to spend an hour with me and turn around and go home. I know that’s crappy behavior but I didn’t really care because, like Tom, I had already acknowledged this wasn’t going to have legs. I could have fun with Charles.

Charles arrived to the bar just before midnight. He was strikingly handsome as soon as he entered and I was immediately physically attracted. He was as equally attracted to me. For the first time that I can recall, I wanted to kiss someone more than I wanted to talk to them. I literally just wanted to be physically close to this man and could care less what came out of his mouth! 😂. I was also pretty drunk by this point in the night.

He came back to the house with me and we sat on the deck making out like teenagers. Eventually it turned into sex on the deck. For one of the few times in my life, a man picked me up and carried me (while still being inside me) to a different location for sex. I forget there’s not much to lift for a strong, tall man and he was clearly experienced at it. His cock felt amazing. His kisses were luscious and I was soaked. This was pure bliss, not a thought was going through my head except getting fucked. I had no other real connection to Charles. I’m pretty sure I don’t desire one.

He was really, really good with his cock and body. Had I not been drinking I’m pretty sure he would be able to make me come while he’s on top, which is a rarity. He really knew what he was doing.

As the sex continued I began to feel something I hadn’t felt in a very, very long time – control. His control. He was moving my legs and hips into unnatural positions. Almost uncomfortable. The sex went from feeling super easy and natural to me paying way to much attention to how he was holding my body in certain positions. I didn’t realize I could move naturally any longer until I tried to lift my hips to meet his thrust and he kept my hips pinned down. At the same time, I realized this is why it felt so damn good – it was a very particular angle. But I wasn’t sure if I liked I how this felt any longer, not in a terrible stop having sex kind of way, I just felt non-participatory and too hyper aware of the position. He came and I was grateful it was over. It was a little confusing the way I felt, to be honest.

We went upstairs to bed. I didn’t intend for him to stay but it was too late to expect him to drive close to two hours home. We had sex again a time or two before falling asleep. I have no idea if he came or not. I was too tired and too close to passing out by this point. His mouth was amazing on me, but I had been drinking too much to orgasm. We fell asleep entangled in each other’s arms. A very specific entanglement which he moved my hips, legs and body to be molded a certain way into his. I fell fast asleep.

In the early morning he once again began manipulating my body in a very specific way. It felt amazing but I couldn’t relax because it felt unnatural. I can’t quite describe the dichotomy. I wanted to relax and I couldn’t. By the time we started fucking, and now I wasn’t drunk or over-excited, I couldn’t find a rhythm with him. He wanted my legs and hips in a very specific location and I couldn’t keep them there. In addition, now that I am running regularly, my hip flexors are very tight and I am less flexible in certain positions. I just don’t bend the same way unless I’ve stretched first. I began to get frustrated which is the strangest feeling when I can feel the potential in sex but can’t seem to find the common ground.

The other strange thing was he was never rock solid hard. I think this is why he kept trying to keep me still.

I had to stop him and let him know it wasn’t working for me. I told him I felt as though I was being instructed in the Kama sutra and had to follow textbook instructions to the letter. I said we are on different pages sexually and that he needed too much control. His reply to me surprised me “you need to be In control more even more.”

Hmmm. Do I?

Not sure I perceive myself that way sexually. I am generally a very loose and accommodating lover according to every lover I’ve even been with, particularly the good ones. I’m happy to do whatever feels good and I’ve never had any complaints. But this didn’t feel good to me, it didn’t feel natural. He needed me to be in positions I couldn’t maintain or couldn’t reciprocate. I couldn’t rise to meet his thrusts and found Myself lying still. The fact that I want to participate and feel that we are moving together doesn’t strike me as controlling, but he said it more than once to me. He admitted he wanted me to be still so he could concentrate on his orgasm, and that my moving was controlling his ability to orgasm. He gave a little speech about “men his age” not being able to maintain erections or have multiple orgasms. Mike immediately came to mind, no issue there. Haven’t had sex with Tom but he’s rock hard around me. John too.

No, Charles, while it’s not uncommon for men your age, at least admit you’re struggling instead of telling me I need to control the sex. Don’t try and turn this around on me.

Just like the sex, this conversation didn’t feel right to me. Does he not realize how he has me pinned down and how many times he told me to “relax” over and over? Relax? I am so uninhibited during sex I’ve never heard someone say relax to me! He would push my hips or legs into such specific positions that if they slid out naturally from movement he would always move them back. All of these, in his mind (I guess) small adjustments totally pulled me out of the moment. Doesn’t he realize how much he kept adjusting me every few seconds? No wonder he can’t orgasm – he has to have things so perfect that it must distract him when they are not just so.

As we were lying there having this weird discussion, somehow my figure / beauty came into play. He was describing his x girlfriend and her weight went from 150-160-180 over the course of the conversation, all while saying he was “still” attracted to her. The insult was rising in my throat and I found a little objectivity I didn’t know I had.

I said to him that he was awfully caught up in looks. His reply was that “how couldn’t I be with someone like you? You stop traffic!” I asked what was so impressive about me that he couldn’t catch his breathe and he touched and described each of my physics traits he was attracted to. I then asked “what if everything you see here isn’t the whole story? How Would you feel if my body was far from this perfection you’re describing?” He laughed a bit and said that’s impossible since we already had sex. I reminded him my shirt never came off. Then I told him I had multiple surgeries last year that left massive wounds on my stomach, some of which are not fully healed and are not pretty.

I threw in some bravado I don’t actually have “and I don’t much care what anyone thinks because I can’t do anything about it, but I wonder how well you would actually tolerate all my imperfections.” He compared me to his short friend, who couldn’t overcome his height but had to live with it and eventually found someone to love him, short and all.

Yup.

Right.

That’s the same.

After this I let him know it was time to go. I thanked him for driving so far and we had a lovely kiss goodbye. He felt like a different lover when he kissed me.

I heard from him when he arrived home safely and he asked me if I got my run in. I replied and haven’t heard from him since.

Which is fine.

I’m sure, in hindsight, he must be thinking the same thing I am – the sex just isn’t right and we will probably never get on the same page. I’m not putting much more thought into it except this post, but I find it fascinating. He probably also gave more thought to the fact he didn’t see my stomach and now he knows there are scars. At least, this is what I think he thinks.

Charles also gave me a lot of clarity I haven’t had before. Men having an issue with my wounds is their problem, not mine, and I don’t need to apologize for it. Nichts helped me get this thought started and I was happy to put it into action. Now I know I’m not sharing my history with anyone who doesn’t have an investment in me. None of their business and I’m no longer going to apologize for my body. The rejection, if it’s going to happen, is going to happen regardless of any explanation I give.

If a man is so hung up on me being skinny, and my history with weight is upsetting to them, too bad. I imagined being Charles x girlfriend and he would say to his next girlfriend “I loved her even though she had these awful ugly wounds.” No thanks. You need to be the type of man who loves me BECAUSE I am imperfect.

Certainly this is a strange place for me to be as I begin to accept what I’ve done to my body and the future I need to live with. I don’t love my body and never will, but this vessel is strong and has been through so much that I have to start being kinder to myself and not allowing anyone else’s perception of beauty make me feel ugly. I beat myself up enough.

Thanks for a great night, Charles. It was fun.

I believe, should he write, which I don’t think he will but I could be wrong, I will give him the honesty so many neglect to give to me, and politely decline any further meeting.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

11 thoughts on “Meet Charles”

  1. Hmm… sex. Quite the disconnect at times! See, we – men – get used to doing it in a particular way – angles, positions, stuff like that – and we apply that to every woman we have sex with. Women get used to getting nailed in a particular way – position, their own idea of what has to be done to induce orgasm, more stuff like that – so any sex that takes place in “uncomfortable” ways just ain’t gonna cut it.

    I figured this out when I was like 15 or 16; how come I could do a girl and it was magical… but with the next girl, jeez, trying to have sex with her is almost like having a fight with her? Oh, I see – we’re on the same page about what we wanna do… not even close on how we wanna do it! What’s the solution? Ask her how she prefers to get laid and don’t assume that what you know is going to work on and for her!

    The flaw in this? Most women either can’t tell you… or won’t; I’ve had women tell me that I should know how to screw them and I learned to respond to this by saying, “I know how to have sex; what I don’t know is how to have sex with you. So if you’re not gonna give me any insight here, you’re leaving me to my own devices and you may or may not like that.”

    The next “worse” kind of woman? The one who tells you that she’s easy to make love to – then you find out that she isn’t. The position ain’t right; any angles aren’t hitting the right spots; don’t move my legs like that!

    Then some of us are so focused on what we want to do that we’re not paying attention to how she’s reacting to whatever we’re doing; I mean, really – if you’re doing something to her and you can feel her body tensing up, um, you’re doing something she doesn’t like or isn’t used to so that should tell you to stop doing that and try something else…

    Or do what I did with one woman: Stop everything and ask her – again – what is the best way to have sex with her and entice her to orgasm. When I first asked the question, she declined to answer – a woman has to retain some secrets, right? But in that moment, she’s not happy, I know she isn’t, and I’m frustrated. She finally gave up her secrets – well, enough of them that she eventually had a glorious orgasm… but my release wasn’t so glorious but I’m okay with that.

    We – men – run into this a lot and it makes us get into a set way of doing things even though many of us know that one size doesn’t fit all – and that what worked on girlfriend this time might not work the next time. Some of us understand that, on her part, the disconnect happens because she doesn’t want to lose control of herself; some of us understand that some women have “figured out” exactly what will kick her ass into the abyss and happily so… and expect us to know this like we’ve been doing her for years and with little or no insights whatsoever.

    Like I said, I’ve learned to ask; do you have any physical issues that limit what you can do? What scares the shit out of you about or when having sex? Oh, yeah – I try to get all up inside her head because, again, I know how to have sex with a woman – I don’t know how she wants to be sexed and I don’t like guessing.

    For your, ah, flexibility issues, I would recommend that before you run, really stretch out your hamstrings – then stretch them again after your run and your cool-down period. There are exercises you can do toward flexibility in your hips – and some of them you can do while just lying in bed and it doesn’t take a lot of effort except to focus on improving flexibility.

    Unfair advantage: I know that the body you have now isn’t the body you used to have and, duh, it’s not going to work the way it did before. I’m aware of this so, nope – no twisting Madeline into a pretzel. Let’s see… what position or positions are more comfortable for her and most likely to produce the results she’s looking for – and that I’d want her to have? I’m gonna ask. Missionary doesn’t work for you? Okay, tell me what will and that’s how we’ll do it.

    I ding homeboy a little – but really a whole lot – for telling you that you should be more in control… and that’s hard to do when someone is doing all the controlling, huh? I ding him even more for not even bothering to ask you how and what will send you to the moon – and if he asked, would you have told him?

    Finally (and Madeline is probably thinking it’s about time I shut up), there’s a “danger” in being more focused about the outside than being focused on the inside and those things that, even in sex, makes a woman tick, checks all those boxes, rings her bell like the Hunchback of Notre Dame on steroid. From my own point of view, never assume that what you know is going to work – chances are it’s not going to. Look at the way she moves; is it “girl fluid” or not so much? When she sits down, what’s she doing with her legs? If she bends over to pick up something, does she do it easily or does so carefully?

    You can learn something about how to have sex with her just by watching her yawn or something as mundane as watching her eat. And then, despite what you see, you still ask her, “What’s the best way to make love to you?” It’s just my opinion but to have the best possible sexual experience, answer the question. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to “teach” along the way or, if something is uncomfortable, stop, say, “Let’s try this!” – and that being the thing you know is gonna be good for you and IF he’s all about you getting your rocks off, he should not complain about this change in the program.

    If he’s not hard enough to chip diamonds, that may or may not be a problem; when we’re having sex, we kinda don’t like changes, that and when the woman under us (or whatever) doesn’t seem like she’s enjoying herself, that can get our attention enough to take some steam out of our boner, that and now he finds himself working really hard to please her and nothing he’s doing is working.

    Just saying… and for what it might be worth to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m unsure if he cared about my opinion of what felt good. My take is he “knew” what worked and was trying to force (strong but accurate word) me into enjoying what he wanted to do to me. It wasn’t normal. I’ve had a lot of sex and the minute my leg slipped so much a quarter of an inch he was saying “relax” and putting my leg back into a less comfortable position.

      If anyone asks, I gladly tell! I’m all about mutual enjoyment. I don’t have any concern communicating my likes or dislikes.

      But this guy, it was his way or the highway. Now, there is something to it because it felt amazing, I just needed to be able to move more naturally.

      As for control, he said I liked control and that’s why I kept “fighting” against him. I swear he doesn’t get it

      My hip flexors – I do tons of stretching but they are tight period and it’s quite common with runners. I am overall much more flexible and happy to flex and twist any wY someone wants. But after repeated tries trying to keep my hips and legs in one position, he should have asked if I liked it. Instead he just moved my legs back.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. One of the things I like about your posts of late is that you are now seeing the benefit of making each small change in behavior. They become self reinforcing, because they build up your courage / self-esteem etc and you start to feel more powerful. You are starting to realize your internal locus of control and it’s really wonderful to see. 😘

    Liked by 4 people

  3. My first thought… is that it’s totally fine for someone to have that much control when the intimacy is developed. Then I want to see where the experiment leads, and if I struggle, that person is also going to want to find ways to help- change positions, add a pillow or a silk tie or something to help create the required position without making it be weird. It sounds like he was in it to win it, thinkingif he followed the path like a math problem- c+b=kaboom, would obviously be your only concern and he also would get his way… ugh. Just no. So dumb

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yea, exactly! At the end I said “I feel like you ripped a page from the Kama sutra and I’m failing to follow it!” The way he continued to move my body BACK to positions it naturally fell out of and kept saying “relax” was obvious he wasn’t really concerned about how I felt about the act – he had his script to follow.

      Like

      1. The funny thing was – it didn’t suck that badly – it just got frustrating. In any case, I can’t imagine I hear from him once I told him my stomach wasn’t as “perfect” as everything else! 😂

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