Latent Thought

Since anxious attachment is top of mind I started going back through all the dates etc the past 5 years.

I actually found one that didn’t start in anxious attachment! Yay me! 😂🙄

Just before Tony and post Bobby, I met Adam.

I enjoyed meeting Adam each week and we always had a good time over the course of about 6-8 weeks.

For certain, I recall the beginnings of the anxiety and I also remember directly asking him about it.

His answer was: I don’t want more. Clean. Simple. Straightforward.

I remember how I felt about it – not happy, but really clear.

I wanted to like him more but he almost never communicated with me in-between dates. He was great at planning a date and being 100% in and focused on me during a date, but nothing else. It had started to frustrate me because I always want more. I want to know where I stand and he had made a big deal about me getting tested, but then didn’t ask for exclusivity – the two didn’t add up.

So it ended.

I forgot all about it because the start of Tony was around the end of Adam.

Why can’t they all just communicate like that? What is it with most men that there has to be so much hesitation and ambiguity?

Makes me nuts.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

6 thoughts on “Latent Thought”

  1. I’m sure this won’t be news to you, and coming from an old fart married for 41 years, take it with a grain of salt.

    I think most of us can’t face the pain we cause, so we walk away(ghost) when we realize that a relationship is not what we want with someone.

    If we don’t see/hear it, it didn’t happen!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I so wish for the same thing, honesty and clarity from men. I wish it didn’t have to be so hard to get people to just be upfront! Many will use the “I don’t know what I am looking for” card but that is just a less direct, less honest, way of saying that they just want to be free to play the field. They should just say “I just want casual connections” or something of the sort.


  3. Sadly, we’re not the best communicators – just one more of the many things women can’t stand about us. Ideally, you come in contact with someone and you put your cards on the table before that first date ever happens – and I don’t mean in some vague kind of way – and with the understanding that anyone can change their minds at any time.

    So why not just come out and say what Adam said? We know that women do not like being rejected and they don’t react well to being rejected; we know that women are sticklers for hearing the truth… and we know that when we tell them the truth, it usually doesn’t go well so if we’ve had our fill of someone, it’s easier to just vanish into thin air than it is to go to her, sit her down, and tell her that you don’t want any more involvement with her and why you don’t.

    Yelling, screaming, whole lots of cussing and if you don’t believe that hell has no fury like a woman scorned, you’re gonna find out… and many of us would rather not test that one.

    Still, it’s not always clear what a guy wants to do outside of what might be obvious and it’s unclear because he might not know himself. In my opinion, this is the pre-date moment where you make your uncertainty known – I’m not sure about all I want to do with you but if you’re willing, let’s just see how things go… and if we find that it ain’t working, well, we can decide what to do at that point. Still, Sassygirl is also right in that some guys will say this and it’s a total cop-out. To me, shit, how can you not know what you’re looking for… but I kinda get it; if you come out honestly and tell a woman that all you want to do is take her to bed at every opportunity to do so, that might not go over well with her.

    Not exactly clear and concise… but at least the woman knows that the situations is very, very fluid and subject to change and armed with this, she can make a go/no go decision about seeing the guy.

    Nbratscott is quite right: For some of us, it just kills us inside to lay some hurt on someone else; it makes us feel like assholes and more so when, prior to deciding not to go any further, um, we’ve been kicking holes in the walls, breaking beds, and having fun doing it… and then we have reason to deliver some very bad news.

    I know I hate doing it… but I know and have learned that I just gotta man-up and deliver it because there’s nothing worse than leaving a woman thinking that everything is going swimmingly well when it isn’t… even when I know that some women won’t take such an announcement very well.

    You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. There’s a reason why a lot of people say that the truth hurts – because, more often than not, it does. I think that, for both people involved, it’s best to pay attention to how things are flowing in the initial going then if there is the potential for more, that’s when you sit down and talk about it to see and/or feel each other out and with the understanding that someone just might want to step away, take it down several notches, whatever.

    Because getting this out in the open is way better than continuing to lead someone on and having them think that they’ve found what they’re looking for and what – and who – they need in their life… and then having that person vanish like smoke on the wind and as if they never existed.


    1. He wasn’t that good!!

      He was one of the two dental dam experiences! On the other hand he also bought me some pretty gorgeous shoes!!!

      I haven’t seen him on dating apps so my guess is he’s involved or married by now.

      Liked by 1 person

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