So Much on my Mind

Right now I feel like a could write a book. I’m no good at short versions of anything and so much has been churning inside of my head lately I wish there was a way to get it out as the thoughts happened and into the blog. It all seems so logical when I’m thinking of it, but when I go back to write it, so much seems to slip away and I end up not knowing where to start.

I felt like light bulbs have been turning on all over the place lately. I know it’s all tied up with my current situation in dating. I’m having a moment like I haven’t had in a very long time. My libido is back in full blast and it absolutely wreaks havoc on my good intentions to have better behaviors while dating.

The difference is – now I know it. And I realized I can do something about it. Maybe not the something some might prefer me to do (not drink, not have sex, not date kind of thing). I now realize if I decide to do the things I do, all I need to do is accept responsibility for what they are at face value and stop putting so much more time and wasted effort into wanting them to be more than they are

I’ve simply got to learn to accept that I can have sex, drink, be ridiculous and WALK AWAY once it’s over.

I’m going to stop feeling bad about myself after I make questionable decisions. Berating myself and becoming more anxious is serving no purpose. I need to own it.

The pressure my attachment anxiety puts on me in these dating situations has to stop. I’ve started having conversations with my anxiety similar to the way I would speak to Trixie if she ever materialized (god help us all).

Sound silly? Maybe. But if talking to myself is what it takes to own my behavior and course correct then so be it.

My dating cup is running over and I’m letting it. I feel like I’ve uncovered something big and want to see if I can put thought into practice.

My whole life has been spent looking for male approval. I didn’t get it from my father. I didn’t get it from husband. The first time I felt really and truly solid about myself the “approval” came from the wrong place (married men). In hindsight, I don’t know if that matters to what I have learned. I don’t think the man himself or the situations make any difference to what I took from them. In hindsight, I learned so much about myself and what I needed to feel good in relationship. If I had been more capable of controlling my emotions, these could have been all positive experiences. Maggie and Nichts recently have me thinking about how to reframe what I’ve been through and how I see my past. In all my recent writing about dating, and digging through my past, I finally realize I can stop needing a man to make me feel worthy.

I actually do feel worthy now. I feel alive and powerful more than ever in some ways (and weaker in others). Maybe I didn’t arrive at this place from the traditional “self-love” approach. Maybe I just filter things through my male-approval lens to understand them because that’s how I’ve always seen the world. I think I needed a solid round of decent dates, some quick turnover, some great sex as well as some rejection to realize I’m actually ok. It’s a normal cycle to be rejected one way or the other in dating. I never learned to accept it and still find myself worthy.

I realize I can. I can own the rejection and move past it. I can own the sex on first dates because I wanted it. I am doing my best balls-to-the-wall to push away the anxiety.

I don’t even know if I am making any sense. Like I said, it all sounded so solid and so crystal clear in my head and getting these thoughts into words has proven difficult.

I know I’m going to be fine. It doesn’t mean I won’t struggle with learning how to slow down, not push for more at the wrong time or with the wrong person. It doesn’t mean I won’t obsess a little or overthink situations. Those are just things I do. I just don’t need to overdo them.

Each man / situation gave me a light bulb moment this week so they will each get a post: Mike, Thomas and Charles (yup a new one!).

I can honestly say I’ve never had this kind of clarity around dating before. I feel like I’m seeing myself for the first time. Somehow I think I’m on the edge of something bigger that’s yet unidentified and in front of me. I feel in control in a way I have never experienced before.

It’s good to be on the edge. It’s liberating. It feels like Trixie level excitement without the crazy. Is that a thing?

I guess we are going to find out if it is or not. And hope I’m not feeding myself lip service.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

6 thoughts on “So Much on my Mind”

  1. Well, one suggestion is to either carry a little notebook with you at all times so that when something pops into your head, you can write it down if you have the time – and time is the important factor. If you have a notepad function on your phone – or the ability to voice record, you can at the least remind yourself that when you have a chance, write about this and for as long as you wanna write about it.

    You notice that I don’t write short blogs, right? Then again, being retired and all that, I have nothing but time and opportunity to write. That notebook thing was something I did with my music; I’d get a song in my head and since I can write music, I’d hurriedly jot it in my notebook, if not in its entirety, then enough that when I got home, I could finish writing it. Next:

    Yep – and I think I probably mentioned it to you before – you can “date” just to get laid… and nothing more than that – but I’m sure it also makes your anxiety come alive when you get laid and it was good to ya; it starts yelling, screaming, and cussing to not let that good dick get away from you.

    Don’t listen to it. Go out, be your version of a party animal, get laid if it goes down like that, and be of a mind that if comes back for seconds, good… but if he doesn’t, he’s not the only guy who’d be willing to knock your boots around. Now, this might go against some stuff you’ve believed in but be assured that in this, you’re just doing what you have to do to get your itches scratched and, intelligently, you do know you can get all nice and scratched – and nothing else is required from the guy.

    Oddly, this is pretty much how guys behave; we look for sex and sometimes find a relationship… and it’s something that most women despise us for. Why can’t we want more than just sex? Because, as I think you’re finding out, sometimes it’s all we need from a woman unless we find there’s something about her that requires further study and consideration. If she’s interested, fine but if not, oh, well – the hunt continues.

    The main thing is something you hit upon: It’s you being in control – and taking control – of yourself and not letting Anxiety dictate your actions. It’s gonna yell, scream, cuss and pitch a royal bitch… and you just keep letting it know that you’re running things here and even if you wanna go out with a guy, have fun, and just go home all by yourself, that’s what you want and need to do.

    Feels kinda good, doesn’t it, to know that you have the power to shut Anxiety up?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Just downloaded a transcriber to talk to text. Most of the thoughts come when I can’t write or I would kept them in the notes on my phone.

      It does feel good to know I can control anxiety to some extent.

      Like

      1. Well, sure – your best thoughts always show up when you’re unable to write them down! I was in a long meeting and a song jumped into my head… and when I failed to bring a pad of paper with me (and no one else had one). I got home at the end of the day and tried to reconstruct the song… and no joy.

        After that epic fail, I always brought a pad of paper with me since, at that time, there was no such animal as a cell phone you could use to take notes with.

        Since today I don’t leave home without my iPhone, if a blog thought pops into my head, I’ll at least leave myself a note or remind to write about whatever I was thinking about when I get home – I don’t have WordPress on my phone because, um, my fingers are too big to mess with that itty-bitty keyboard.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, wow, wow! OK, I’ve been reading backwards from most recent, but still – wow! You are doing better – much better. You sound calmer, less frantic. Think about this time a year ago and you are a galaxy far, far away from there. The progress you have made in mind, body and spirit is amazing. You have undergone a complete transformation inside and out. I am so incredibly proud of you. Few people could have turned their life away in such a short time. Congratulations! Now go forth & fuck whoever you want on your terms!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Maggie! I am definitely not frantic any more and it is a bit of a weird feeling to be calmer and not so anxious about next steps in dating.

      A year ago this time I was already done. Everything had already gone black for me and I didn’t even realize how dark it had gotten. Not a place I want to ever see again (TBH, I don’t remember a lot of it I was so out of it)

      You think it’s a short time?! Lol. Feels like forever to me! (Emotionally)

      Liked by 1 person

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