As The Small World Turns

There must of been some strange alignment of planets or something this past weekend.  I feel like all the people I met were some sort of 6 degrees of separation.

Saturday night was fun and I was worried I wouldn’t sleep because my mind was on Mike.  Didn’t happen, I was fine.

Woke up Sunday and checked my last dating app for messages, and lo and behold, an oldie came back.  Well, not that old, I suppose I matched with him at some point earlier this year and we moved to text, but then he ghosted me.  Anyway, since I’m in a mood over ghosting lately, I wanted to engage and I replied to his Hello.  When he asked if I remembered him, I said all I recalled was that he ghosted me.

The phone rang.

I didn’t connect the two, I just didn’t answer a number I don’t know.  Of course it was him, but it took me a moment to realize this.  He called back.

Long story short, we were on the phone for about 3 hours or so.  Why?  I felt like I had nothing to lose and the conversation was entertaining. I had already determined in my mind he was just going to ghost me again.  I wasn’t invested, I was bored.

The conversation was well worth my time.

Tom is  super easy to speak to and I barely have to say a thing other than to prompt him to tell me more.  Turns out, he has a large cache of women friends (he balked when I called them a harem) that are around my age and all single.  Some he met when dating and some have been friends a long time.  There are 3 in what he calls his “circle of trust”.

We talked about dating in general, and since I had already bucketed him into the “no-potential” zone, I was pretty transparent about how I felt and my recent experiences in dating.  As we were talking, about August in particular (I did not mention his name, but did mention a uncommon characteristic that hes an Olympian), he said “Oh, is that Auggie?  My friend so-and-so has been screwing around with him on and off for months! I nearly fell of the chair!  Once he realized I potentially datesd the same pool of men as some of his “circle of trust” he went through a few more names and yes, yes, and yes – I had dated them all at one point or another!

This made me feel fabulous!  He had the feedback from his friends already and they all turn out to be bullets I dodged, perhaps a bit earlier than they did.  I forget who is who of the men, but one is a manic-depressive and comes off his meds (I think it was Auggie), another one is a serial dater and a narcissist and the third had another host of issues.  By the time we got through all of them I was hysterical laughing.  I couldn’t believe how there were 3 other women, who knew Tom, who were all exactly like me, who had dated the same men.

But the best part comes next.  They estimate, in our area, that the ratio of attractive, accomplished women is about 25-1.  Every man can meet literally dozens of single women in his type.   That statement alone made me feel validated.  I know many of my readers who are not from cities anywhere the size of the city I live in and cannot understand how the dating platform here is so vastly different than any other city in the USA, but it is.  There are just too many single women.  You know how much better it makes me feel that I am just a number to some of these guys?  How can anyone really end up being special when the man (who has his own plethora of issues and circumstances) has so much choice?

Maybe the number is inflated, but even at 10-1 it makes dating here a real chore.

I didn’t really give it a thought when he suggested we meet. He was coming to my town to pick up his daughter and I said he could stop over and hang out on the deck with me. When he arrived he brought farm fresh eggs from his chickens and peaches from the orchard across the street from his home.  He wasn’t what I expected, though I am not sure I had given it much thought.

He didn’t look exactly like his photos but not exactly unlike either. He is handsome but there is something about him I can’t pinpoint as not entirely appealing.

We had another great time chatting away on the deck and at one point, when he pulled me close, I was almost surprised. I didn’t get a feeling he was interested and I was entirely ambivalent. He had spent the last hour talking about his daughter and his farm and showing me photos. It was a little tiresome. Again, can’t pinpoint it but a super contentious relationship with his alcoholic ex, little relationship with his older teen son, and almost a worship like behavior regarding his 14 year old daughter. I watched video of her driving a tractor, riding multiple different horses and walking in the woods. As he was going through all this my memory kicked in as I had heard it before.

So he kissed me. I haven’t had a no-tongue kiss in so long and I’ve always thought it just plain weird. He had a combo of tongue and no tongue but not great. Meantime, he was so worked up by me it surprised me. His cock is huge as it pressed against my lower back.  I was somewhat curiously interested.

But frankly, more like maybe having Tom as a male friend. I couldn’t handle him full time. He just talks way too much for me (can you even believe I’m saying that?!!). I may want to fuck him but I’m not sure how I am actually attracted to him.

I also thought it was quite funny that he doesn’t understand why he’s still single. He claims he helps his girlfriends with their dating lives from a male perspective but I wonder if they tell him the truth? Or I wonder if this is like a little bunch of gossips? I’m intrigued. What if he was my male friend and could tell me what the hell I’m doing wrong? I would keep this going just to get some feedback.

He text goodnight and good morning. He’s a decent man. The truth is I don’t know what I feel for him, its not clear which is unusual.   Is that because I’m attracted to Mike and stuck there? Or is it just Tom himself or the strange chemistry between us?  Who knows at this point.

He called me last night and we had a nice talk. The night after that it got sexual and I got an unsolicited dick pic. It’s a beautiful thing, his cock. Would love to fuck it but I didn’t get the thrill I usually get when I’m all excited over the man.

Not long after I hung up the phone, Mike text.  It was late and unusual that either of us were still awake.  He was horny, I knew it instantly.

We had phone sex which was pretty hot.  I haven’t done that in so long and it always turns me on.  Everything leading up to the phone sex was baby this and baby that.  I hadn’t heard from him all day.  I had an orgasm and fell immediately to sleep.

I text Mike good morning Tuesday because it was his birthday.  He told me he didn’t cum last night because he was saving it for me.  That’s about it for the day.  Chances are high this happens again and I don’t know how I feel about it.

I do know where my brain is pressing me to go though…and since I have spent so much time and so many words thinking and writing about my anxious attachment, I see it crystal clear.

Mike has text Monday and Tuesday night for phone and face time sex. Did I do it? Yes, both times. I enjoyed myself quite a bit and it’s been a long time since I’ve watched a man do this. Bobby and I did it all the time way back when. Did I do it because I want him to like me more? Nope. I did it because I wanted to feel good.

The problem isn’t in the action. The anxiety creeps in the next day when I don’t hear from him and my brain goes haywire wondering why I haven’t heard from him.

My inner voices sound like this:

Why can’t he just text and say good morning?

Does it really matter?

No?

Good, so get on with your day.

Ok.

A few hours pass and checks phone.

He still didn’t text

You know chances are he won’t text. He will text at some point but not when you need it.

This makes me crazy.

But it doesn’t matter, you can wait.

Ok.

Night falls. And still no text and the debate rages for a minute or two in my head. My anxious girl wants to text him and know “what’s going on Mike?! When are we going out again?” My secure girl says “does it matter? Who cares? Next”

This cycles for only a couple of minutes then disappears.

Until it doesn’t.

One night he texts just to say goodnight. The next morning my brain processes that as “talk to him” so I text. After a few back and forth, I ask when I’m going to see him again.

I’m so angry with myself. He’s already proven to be entirely inconsistent. It’s not going to change. He’s not a “fuck yes” for me so why do I care? (I actually think I’ve figured this out a little – wait for the post!). He explains why he can’t this week and I already know his plans Cause he’s already told me! I don’t even have the time myself to see him SO WHY ASK M???? Why???

Now my brain is in flight mode and I’m fighting to stay there. Disconnect from him, don’t worry about when he texts. Don’t have phone sex regardless if you want it or not. Just don’t. All sorts of don’t. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I see it. It’s all clear. I am very well aware of what is working and what’s not and it’s a matter of self control. Just wish I had more of it.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

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