How to go Slow?

I don’t know how to do this. I know this. You know this.

I also know it’s something I need to learn now. As in right now.

I have a potentially good thing right in front of me with Mike. I want it to stay that way without overwhelming it with intensity. Any good relationship I know, that lasts, doesn’t start in flames.

Is it already too late?

I question if I have ever had a normal relationship. Something I haven’t forced forward or have forced upon me – because of one or the others passions, jealousy or expectation. It’s sort of frightening as I think about it.

I just want normal. Like really normal. I’m not saying Mike has to be my forever or even long term. I just want a nice guy to date. something that looks like: He likes me, I like him, there is a level of trust and commitment (unsure what that means exactly but feels like it means I can expect him to always call the next day kind of thing and not have to worry he suddenly disappears overnight).

I guess the situation with John affected me more than I realize. Not John himself, he’s utterly irrelevant. The fact I met a man I could envision dating nicely and I allowed it to get carried away too fast.

So, what have I done any differently this time? I still had a too-long first date. We had passionate sex on dates 1 and 2. And….that’s it. Not saying it’s right or wrong but that’s a short list of potential errors for me. I’m normally over my head before date 1.

What’s more important is what I’m NOT doing this time. Communication is at his pace, which can be erratic. Ok, fine. I don’t love it but I am going with the positive self-talk and telling myself “he WILL check in.” I am not revealing every crack and crevice of myself such as my sexual history (we had a brief talk, nothing in depth, I kept it light). No talk of my surgeries or breakdown. No talk of my x or any affairs. Nothing REALLY important. Nothing HEAVY.

I read something about “Baggage Bonding” which means bonding over your previous issues with marriage or relationships.

On the other hand. We had sex. Multiple times. Unprotected sex. That needs a conversation. I know I’m not having sex with anyone else. I suppose I can simply say to him “wrap it up” if you plan to be having sex with others? He has repeatedly said he doesn’t want more than one woman. I don’t take that at face-value because I don’t KNOW him well enough. He may even mean it. But it’s too soon to expect he knows it’s what he wants with me.

I keep repeating to myself: Keep it light, Madeline. Let it develop naturally. Let it be healthy. Mike doesn’t need to satiate some deep hole within my soul, he is a lovely addition to a currently calm and balanced life. I’m doing my own soul work and I’ve been pretty successful in the past 6 months.

But how do you do this after you’ve had such hot sex the first two dates? How do you also get the simmer? Have I already jeopardized it?

I read some articles that all say “have a serious discussion” but this seems pushy to me. I don’t think I want a serious discussion, I just want to know if he wants more, or not. I don’t know how to ask.

And maybe all of it’s in my head and I’m already thinking too forward too fast.

I really just want to get it right for once.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

16 thoughts on “How to go Slow?”

      1. Haha, sorry! My only advice is to go with your gut instincts on whether or not to discuss certain topics, and when. Although it may not be the right time, it will be the right time for you and will feel most comfortable.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I know this makes me a Danny Downer, but……go slow enough to make sure he’s REALLY on the way to divorce!!! I don’t ever want to read about Trixie again.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It’s so hard to be able to slow yourself down. For me, I just had to keep telling myself that I am enough on my own, and actually believe it. To look forward to our time together but also trust that if he is that interested in me he will stick around. And if it were to turn out that he isn’t that interested in me, is that someone I would want to keep around?

    Take a moment and breathe. It’s been two dates, albeit awesome sounding dates, so stop fixating on whether you are screwing it and ENJOY the fact that you have had two great dates with him! Take it one date at a time and ENJOY. As soon as a foreboding thought enters your mind stop yourself in your tracks and say “no, I am allowed to just enjoy” and take five deep breaths. Or something like that, just redirect your thoughts.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. This is great advice Sassy! Instead of obsessing over him the last few days I’ve been obsessing if I’m “doing it right” which is just as bad because it leads me into a self-blame state of mind.

      Telling myself I am allowed to enjoy is sort of like repeating a positive mantra and I know that also works for me now.

      I can’t control a change of heart in him (for any reason) and just need to get control of my own thoughts that what will be, will be. You are 100^ right he will contact me if he’s interested.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I think that when we want something badly enough, we get in a rush to have it and should we get it, we’d rather not let it get away so we rush to secure it which, as you’ve found out, isn’t always a good thing. So “backing off” and just letting things happen they way they’re gonna happen – and without any pushing on your part – is pretty rough and that sense of urgency is probably on you like an itch you can’t scratch.

    Just make yourself chill; remind yourself that being impulsive in these dating things hasn’t always worked in your favor. It won’t be easy but I think you can be strong enough to let your intelligence keep your emotions in check so you can “patiently” wait to see how things work out.

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    1. You are definitely right about that. I would just be happy knowing he is going to call or text the next day and wants to see me again. I think so, I just hate the feeling of uncertainty. I also think, for whatever their reasons are, the last several men who have even been close to “eligible” haven’t wanted me for one reason or the other. When the 2 that articulated clear/clean reasons (Tom went back to xgirlfriend and August moved) I was ok with it and settled. I don’t do well with uncertainty and it Brings all my self-doubt right back to the top of my anxiety heap.

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  4. Since he is a dating novice, you might need to lead the conversation about safe sex and wrappers. I think that’s important. Treat Mike like a learning experience. Learn to go slow with him. Well, slower than your usual frantic pace (said with love and a smile).

    But guard your heart, my friend. Separated is not single. You may end up being his sexy rebound as he works through the hard work of divorce. He hasn’t had the experience of being alone after a marriage and doing the self-discovery that comes with being on your own. This does not make him a great partner. Be careful. Slow is probably the right pace for everyone. Good luck!!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Have you shared with Mike your surgery journey yet? I’m curious to know how that goes. If/when you do it, I encourage you to not be apologetic. The physical stuff that you are so uncomfortable with… that is but a side-effect of this immense process and journey you went through. “I did this really hard thing. It was one of the biggest challenges I ever went through. I nearly died and was as scared as I have ever been, but I am now stronger. I came out learning so much about myself and about what I want from life. It changed me and I can’t go back to the person I was, for better or for worse. For better, I am healthier and take less for granted, and X,Y,Z. For worse, I am so self-conscious of the scarring, and I am scared how it might impact my relationship with you. You’ve noticed I’ve hid my naked body from you. But, this is part of who I am….” One problem with western medicine and science (and I say this as someone with a PhD in physics) is that we reduce every system (including a person) to its parts, and we focus on the problems, on the bad things, and we feel like we have to “fix” things. And when they can’t be fixed, we feel like the flaw will keep us from realizing our full potential. But, these same so-called-flaws are also making you stronger. Making you more flexible. You don’t ever have to love them, but you can work on respecting the teachings they have to offer; that we can never be perfect. So, in that vein, I encourage you to talk about this with Mike as a whole person, and not as a system with an irreversible flaw that will necessarily be the undoing of all that could be great with you, with him, etc.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yasssssss!!!! All of this!! Thank you!!!

      Since the episode with John it occurred to me that I was formulating in my head exactly that “apologies” to strangers for my scarred body when I’m the one who went through hell and back!

      It literally just occurred to me recently that I don’t have to apologize to anyone and I was struggling to come up with what I did want to say – and you actually just got the words out of my head! Thanks so much Nich!!

      I had definitely already determined I wasn’t going to apologize to anyone…but was stuck in knowing it’s terrible but not wanting to make it so bad that it made it worse in their head before they even saw it (if that makes sense)

      This is really perfect – I have to finesses and practice!

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      1. I’m glad you like it! This would be a scary talk for anyone to have. I do encourage you to have it sooner than later. It’s an act of integrity on your part, it removes you feeling like you have to hide something from him, like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you’ll learn sooner than later what kind of guy Mike is. If he ultimately can’t accept this or you, better to know sooner before you get invested. I am rooting for him see the whole you. You deserve nothing less, M.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I like how you frame it as “something to hide”. It’s really made it clear to me I’m not accepting myself (which I knew just didn’t think of it that way) and I’m apologizing when the only one who deserves and apology is my self-esteem.

        I’m still unsure how men, any men, who do like physical beauty as much as inner beauty, are going to manage it.

        He’s already mentioned “big girls” a few times and I inwardly cower. Again, because I’m embarrassed of my own past. It’s way to early to share details with him but it makes me afraid someone will be disgusted with the “old me” and worry if it will happen again.

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