I Realized I’m Just Super Frustrated

It took a day for my head to clear, but I realize I am just plain old angry and frustrated because of John.

Not at John.

There’s a huge difference there from my past behavior.

He was perfect on paper, we had a super fun night and it’s the best sex I’ve had since Tony. So what he wasn’t ready for more, he was just a jerk for not saying so sooner because he got caught up with the fun. I’m over it. It’s too bad and move on because there is nothing to dwell on.

But dwell I did. I wanted to figure out why was I obsessing. It occured to me that it wasn’t about him at all – it was about the idea of finally finding a good man for a relationship. My brain placed him squarely in the “absolute potential mate” bucket. The previous guys have been “let me test this out to see if he can be a potential mate, so far so good”. That’s what went wrong – I made a decision long before a decision was warranted.

Why? Because I know I want a partner now. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being with married men. I haven’t had the experience post divorce of having a boyfriend. I realized I never had to do that walk of shame – I always knew where I stood the next morning when I was with a man. I want someone to talk to, someone I can confide in that loves me and wants to be there to support me. Friends are fine, but they are not a partner.

I want to feel the way Tony made me feel about myself with someone who is free to do what he pleases when he pleases. Overnights, weekends, road trips, family affairs and just watching a movie together. I just want a boyfriend already and it makes me nuts that I can’t find one. (Although let me say – even at this level of frustration I won’t date someone short, period).

This situation with John just brought my level of frustration to the top. I realized it when I was swiping like mad in the dating sites today – hoping “he” would pop up. My perfect man. Any man, that I found attractive, really. I felt the desperation. I caught myself. I got into a project at work that distracted me. Then I thought about why I was going through this cycle.

I’m glad my brain is more clear than it used to be and I known my meds are doing their job with reducing my emotional outbursts as well as clearing the cobwebs. When I thought about John, really thought it through, it didn’t matter anymore. Sex was really good, but not anything I would write home about. I enjoyed the actual date more than the sex – he was just fun to be around. I just wanted that feeling of being desired, feeling good about myself, and laughing out loud with a man – to continue. I was angry that it ended. But that has zero to do with John.

I did something yesterday that I’ve never done. I deleted him from every possible form of contact so I wouldn’t have that phone number handy for text or calls. He’s not blocked, but I doubt I ever hear from him again and that’s ok. I’m glad I removed any opportunity to reach out to him in the future.

I had a headache all afternoon from my frustration. So I plan to get home, relax and have a glass of wine. I have fallen into the pattern that Thursday is my off night for working out. I will meditate before bed, but that’s about it for Thursday. I’m going to sit on my deck and have my wine and maybe some Advil until it’s bedtime.

I may even swipe a little more slowly and keep making good choices.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

7 thoughts on “I Realized I’m Just Super Frustrated”

  1. I dunno about some guys. See, were I to be on the apps, get a date, get to have some sex in that “unheard of” first date setting, hmm, I’d be thinking about getting more from her if I could. I get that, for some women – but not all – being a “booty call” is just what works but does become a problem when a woman is looking for either more repeat sex – or something a bit more lasting.

    What I’m wondering – and I kinda hate to bring this up – is whether or not your surgical issues is the reason why he [stupidly] didn’t come back for more of you. Again, I dunno about some guys because even that was the case – and some guys are just way too superficial to look past things and keep their eye on the prize – well, let’s just say that I wouldn’t let something like that stop me from coming back for seconds, thirds, or whatever she’s gonna let me get away with.

    Still, it’s his loss – the idiot. You see, I know how funny women are about having sex so when a woman is eager to give you some, you take it, give her da bizness to the best of your ability, then find out if she wants more. You’ve “erased” him and you’re not letting it fuck with you – and I applaud you on this one; you know that given the nature of things, you can pick any guy that appeals to you if/when you need to get laid but, yeah, finding that for-real boyfriend – and one who doesn’t have a wife to report to – would be a better situation because not all of your needs have anything to do with sex.

    I get on my single friends who crow about how nice it is to be single but I come back at them and say, “Yeah… but how many times do you wake up in the morning and find yourself all by yourself, hmm? When you’re having a “bad hair day,” who’s there with you to have your back and, if nothing else, let you know that it’s gonna be alright or that you don’t have to deal with things by yourself?”

    I have this one particular male friend who is always complaining to me about how hard it is to date women, let alone get them in bed and I’ve said to him each and every time, “You need a girlfriend.”

    And he says, “Yeah, but…” and I tune him out at that point; don’t be a whiny bitch about women when you’re not really trying to take a woman off the market and more so when there are more women looking to be taken off the market than those who are just trolling the apps for some sex. I tell him that, like this John dude, he’s an idiot.

    Yes, you can only make the best choices possible and based on the information you have to work with and you get props from me for being more… focused in this. Brava, Madeline! Not your fault that some guys are idiots and, it seems today, not of a mind to at least ask the woman if he can – pardon the crudeness – hit that thang again and the sooner, the better. The one thing I will ask you is if/when the sex is good for you, do you at least let the guy know he can get it again – and even if/when you’re still kinda taking him for a test drive to see if he can be boyfriend material? I ask because with some dudes – and because we’re kinda dense like that – if you don’t tell us we can come back for seconds, we won’t.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This is really interesting to me. You make an excellent point, i.e. that once men achieve sex (whether on date 1 or date 4) why aren’t they eager to come back for more? It’s moronic not to! I’ve had the same experiences as Madeline. Over and over again. It’s not just the guy, it seems to be a culture. And, yes, I’ve even told them that I’d love to see them again. Most just flat-out disappear or slowly fade away.

      I don’t get it. It’s incredibly frustrating but, conversely, it also makes it really easy to move on quickly. I love it when guys expose their inner moron.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Well, as a guy, I don’t like being guilty by association! Me, I’m gonna keep coming back for more until she says she’s had enough of me. Oh, and if this is some new but weird culture thing, I am so glad I ain’t part of it – I’ll gladly take all I can get!

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I said the same thing to her a few posts ago – some guys just want the sex and even if you wait a few dates to have sex, they disappear after that. It was so befuddling to me when it happened, until I figured out that there are many men out there who get off on the chase.

        Liked by 3 people

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