And Now We Wait?

Leaving his apartment was awkward. I thought for sure he would walk me down to my car, but nope. Out to the door and then a finger pointing to the elevator.

That was the moment I knew it wasn’t going any further. Could I be wrong? Sure, it’s possible. However, after all I’ve been through I’ve promised to listen to my inner cues – and they are generally not wrong in the beginning of a relationship.

After a date with a man that was a great date I always knew if they would call. I had no idea if I would hear from John again, despite his repeated words of being a good guy and being so aligned with me. It was a good chemistry but it wasn’t the kind that kept me awake at night. Tony, Bobby, Andrew, Brix (who I flew to CA for), Dan and Dave all come to top of mind as being really excited to seeing them again.

I realized I really wanted to see him again, I wanted to talk to him more and I wanted sex again but there was something stopping me from the “over the top” reaction I normally have. I absolutely had a little butterflies but it was quite moderated.

He had asked me to text him when I arrived home. I knew he was going to see his son for the weekend and we were due to see each other Sunday afternoon (which would have been the first date). But since he didn’t mention Sunday at all, even when I left (no “See you Sunday”) I already felt Sunday wasn’t going to happen.

This didn’t totally eliminate the feeling of being let-down when the conversation had turned into this:

That sounds like a “I won’t be speaking to you today” text.

I was sad but couldn’t help myself so a bit later I started:

No reply to those last text Saturday night.

I woke up feeling like he was going to ghost me and I was both parts angry and sad. He had so much promise and I just want a boyfriend already. I just want to date someone who isn’t attached and who matches my life cadence and he had hit all the right buttons. I was willing to even overlook cock size! 😂. I was so let down this wasn’t getting off the ground and started assuming it had to be me.

What went wrong? Was it the tears or not getting undressed? Was it the bandage and discussion of my surgery’s (which was light and not detailed). Was it just him – he didn’t feel an intense chemistry? I knew without a doubt there was sexual chemistry because we had morning sex and it was great.

I couldn’t let go even though my better sense said stop texting. I didn’t text on Sunday because I felt he was obligated to let me know if he was coming or not if he didn’t want to be a complete waste of a man (I was a bit angry and hurt).

Here’s what I got midday:

As you can see, no further response Sunday evening. I felt mildly better he had at least be kind and text. But this wasn’t the man I was talking to for a week by a long shot. I tried again Monday am with a simple god morning:

And that’s that. Do I believe him? Maybe. Does it matter? He reminded me of Tony in this instant where Tony couldn’t manage me and a drama with his kids sometimes so I would get shut down. Happens that John is exactly same age as Tony and their birthdays are 2 days apart. Is it a Leo characteristic?

I am let down. I had a couple turns in my gut of feeling jumpy to have him text and sad that he wasn’t.

I’m still wondering today but the bottom line is that he knows he needs to communicate with me to Continue. There’s no point in me texting him again.

I do worry it was my scars. That’s going to haunt me. Every man now says I’m so “hot” and my body is so “thin and sexy” and “look at those arms!” And I get it. I look super fit, toned and strong now. It’s appealing to a man who takes care of himself. And a very close friend said my scars would potentially be a dealbreaker – she’s very vain – and she doesn’t know how she would feel. But it’s ugly. And it’s tormenting me.

So there you have it. My “I need to know” is killing me. My tummy gets a little twisty when I think of it – just because it’s the first time in OVER A YEAR I’ve met someone who was a potential.

I do feel lonely now. I do want a partner. But I can’t change the things I want to have in a relationship if I want it to work for me, so that means sit and wait for the next potential and avoid poor choices.

I am sad I haven’t heard from him and it does bother me immensely – perhaps because I see nothing glaring at me that would cause him not to want a second date.

I sent a last text this morning because it’s eating at me. I don’t actually expect an honest reply. But he will likely reply with something.

I probably shouldn’t have sent the last text – when does anyone in these situations tell the truth? But as I’ve been thinking about it I remembered that both August and Tom had the courtesy to say “Thanks, but no thanks” to me and I always say it to a man. He just didn’t strike me as such a player and I guess I missed the cues in there somewhere.

I’m lamenting more over the prospect of an actual match than John himself – which should say something to me. He hit my list attributes one by one and it felt something like a miracle! I will live. It was one date, a great date, and great sex. It also made me realize that no matter how long I wait to sleep with someone my scars are never going away – so I better get that first story/explanation under control for the next time I need to deliver it so I’m not so emotional about it. I would like to believe that someone who really likes you wouldn’t be bothered by my ravished body, but I do think it’s highly possible and I’m going to need to accept when that happens as well.

Adding this at 10am this morning. Pretty clear and straightforward:

Good morning Madeline. Yes, I absolutely owe you an explanation, and every day that passed made it harder to send the message, so thank you for your message this morning. What happened with my boys this weekend just made me think about relationships in general, not really you specifically. You just happened to be here at the time. The bottom line is that I’m not interested in going fast and furious at this point. The communication we had last week wouldn’t have happened if I was here. I was half a world away and the time difference and my free time made it easy and I got caught up. It was really nice though and I enjoyed Fri. I know all this sounds like bullshit, and I would think the same thing if I were in your shoes. I have a million other thoughts but they’re not really important, I’m just not ready for a full blown relationship. I should have said something proactively earlier, I just didn’t even know what I wanted. I’m sorry, you’re really sweet and you deserve the best in the future.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

14 thoughts on “And Now We Wait?”

  1. I’m sorry that he’s faded away – you’re quite right I believe that this is what’s happened.

    I’d like to be wrong, but I’m pretty sure it goes back to what I said about the red flags I saw in your first post. And the fact that he’s responding at all just means he’s not 100% douchebag. I’m sure he thinks this is gentler for you.

    I’m sorry this has happened – it totally sucks – but please know it has nothing to do with your scars or reactions or anything like that. This guy is a player who gets off on the chase.

    Please stop texting him. When you stop, you’ll know shortly what his real intentions are.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Aw, M. Boo. I share Ann’s opinion that this isn’t about *you*. Whether or not John is a player, I just see so often out there that after a good first date, people retreat for no logical reason. I wrote extensively on Lauren’s blog a theory I have about how on-line dating removes so many of the obstacles we used to encounter in courtship that might have served a deeper constructive purpose. Before we had these tools, it was so hard to meet people. Once you met someone you liked, there was first the obstacle of knowing whether they were available. Then, the obstacle of knowing whether they found you compelling. This would take time… days, weeks, months, and in that time, we get used to the idea of dropping our guard around someone, and a certain kind of trust is established. Now, before we even interact with someone other than the initial swipe, we know right away whether someone we find compelling returns the sentiment and is available. And then, stuff like this can happen. So, people start hot, but then become cold, or inconsistent, or flaky. I think it’s just too much intimacy, too soon, for most people to handle, and they aren’t consciously aware of it. Not only won’t they own it, they *can’t*, because they probably think, too, that it was a great get-together… there is just something that blocks them from taking it further, and it makes no sense, so its easiest to just fade out. Anyway, that is the story that I ascribe to what happened with you and John. I note that he’s not that long out of a marriage, and even though he’s clearly disentangled, he might have some trust issues, in general.

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      1. By the time I met Tony I already had a crush on his personality – and he was in full on limerence. Unfortunately, this is where my bar is set. Though John and I didn’t get that heated/intense over personal things because (exactly what you said) not knowing each other and trust. It’s also why I had hopes for John a – he was unique.

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  3. And I concur with Ann that you’d do best to not engage again with him. I had something like this (although a much less whirlwind first date) happen to me recently. I asked the guy if he could own why his communication pattern changed… if perhaps he was feeling ambivalent after a good date, and he never responded after that. Well, that was an answer in itself. Too bad.

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  4. I’m just glad he at least did not lead you on. Yes it kinda sucks when they check off a lot of the boxes and turn out to not be ready for a relationship, but M, don’t give up. While fun while it lasted, I’m glad he didn’t break your heart.

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  5. I’m glad he responded. I do feel like it can happen where someone away from their life does get caught up and can be lost in the moment. And… you don’t need someone like that. You need someone with room for you in their real life. It’s proof those men are out there, and they will love you. But this dude wasn’t the one

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree and I think what caught me out was we had the “what do you want” conversation early. He wanted a girlfriend. He was pretty clear about what he liked and repeated multiple times throughout the conversation how cool I was and kept saying I wasn’t real because I matched all his parameters. He sounded like me! Lol.

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