I haven’t had a date go completely sideways in a while! The last dating debacle I had was here. When I dodged a dating bullet.
Gosh, that was all the way back in January….I have gotten better at identifying the weirdos! Or, at least going out with them- though he was a closet weirdo.
In any case, I had a date with Ed in May. In hindsight, I admit the chemistry was missing before the date and I shouldn’t have gone. We had spoken on the phone a couple times and he had some great attributes, but not being married before, no longer than a 5 year relationship, and no kids rang the fire alarm for me. I just didn’t listen to it.
He had a decent career, though he was also currently out of work. He had siblings and he took care of his mother and grandmother in their later years. We had common interests, among them travel and entertainment. I thought I should give it a try since my boys are older now and my relationship will be about me with little involvement from my children. That line of thinking is off, I realize, because my relationships will always have an impact on my children as they watch him care for me and interact with him.
We met at my favorite local restaurant and he had secured a small table by the bar. You know me well enough to know that I think a man should ask if I want a drink relatively quickly, to me this is dating 101. He never asked, despite my hints. He started off with awkward conversation. Ok, maybe he was nervous, but I didn’t think so, I just think he had zero dating savvy.
I finally got up after 15 minutes (at least) to get my own drink. He still wasn’t phased.
We started talking about our job searches – and we had covered this quite a bit on the phone. He claims he spends all day every single day working on his job search, and I challenged him that its not a full time job looking for a job, there’s just only so much networking you can do in a day, weeks or a month. Perhaps he thought I was knocking his approach as he threw some zingers at me like “you get out of it what you put into it.” which certainly felt like he was telling me I was out of work too long (he doesn’t know the back-story, I don’t share my medical history so soon). He questioned me like a college professor giving me a quiz on how many people I speak to, what I talk to them about, and how I reach out to companies. I shared some articles I had read about the best way to approach reaching out to your 1st/2nd/3rd level contacts and how that had worked for me…but he was instant I wasn’t digging deep enough or hard enough.
I started to get a bit put-off.
And then, he threw the biggest bomb at me…..
As we were now heavily debating the approach of how to do a job search, he threw in “well, of course you can sit at home and take your time when you are getting a nice sum from alimony and child support.”
I should have thrown my drink in his face and left. I could barely contain my composure. But I sat calmly, I know my entire face flushed with anger, and I asked “is that what you think? That I have an income?”
His answer was “don’t all divorced women take their x for all they are worth? You probably have a good income from him.”
By this time between his opinion on my job search and his utter stupid comment on my divorce I shot back “Now its clear to me why you haven’t had a long relationship or been married.”
His answer “I also haven’t been divorced.”
And I said “No, you haven’t, but I put in 22 great years and have a family to show for it as well as a successful career. My type of networking landed me no less than 3 good interviews this month, while yours has done you no favors. And, for the record, I was the breadwinner in my family and I support my children and home 100% on my own, all without a law degree from Harvard.”
I shouldn’t have qualified anything. I should have gotten up and left. But he kept talking, and not even an apology just a comment “well, thats not most divorced women.” and kept going! I tried to extricate myself and just couldn’t. This man just kept trying to explain himself and his relationships and how his life netted out (why he never got married or had kids etc). He was on the defensive but I didn’t care at that point. And he didn’t care that I didn’t care, I wish I had it in me to be completely rude and exit.
I swallowed the rest of my drink and stood and he asked me to wait while he paid the bill, when he saw I was clearly walking out one way or the other. He tried to kiss me goodnight and I turned my head. He asked me out again and I smiled and got in my car.
I didn’t hear from him for several weeks until this week, when he wrote prompting to open conversation. He literally wrote a text as if nothing had happened at the meeting, telling me he was thinking of me as his gym had installed some Pelotons. He really didn’t get it.
I get angry even typing this story – but going on that date was my own fault and I knew before I went there was something a bit off about him. He delivered that zinger so frankly that I know he had no social skills. Probably didn’t do justice to his lack of social skills because I’ve mostly forgotten about the date from 3 weeks ago.
Well, best of luck to him.
Thank you, next.