So Many Men….So Much Time!

I’m going to take KDaddys advice (from several posts ago!) and try very hard to start focusing on what’s in front of me (a new relationship) instead of obsessing over Tony.

So, I started to think about dating this time around.

I recall when I started my first blog in early 2014, when I was entering my separation stage and starting to go on first dates, that I never really logged my first dates. I was better a talking the sex romp stories. But that’s where my head was at the time!

I wish I counted or captured all the dates before I deleted that blog. I hadn’t slept with many men before marriage, but I made up for all of in the two years before I met Tony!

Now that I’m in a very different phase of life, I decided I should keep a list of my first dates – I feel like I go on so many of them. I probably have double or triple the amount of phone and text conversations before a date is even made. Now I entirely understand why divorced people say dating is such hard work. Knowing what you want and sticking to your choices is tough. But anything else is a waste of time.

Here’s a quick recap of the first dates I’ve been on since I opened up the apps last November.

1. Rob (6’4″) – November/December

2. Brian – January

3. Joe – January

4. Jack – January

5. Matthew – January/February

6. Anthony – February

7. Greg – February

8. Jack2 – February

9. Craig – March

10. Duke – April

11. August – April

Here we are just about to face the first week of May and, as I look at my list above, I don’t think it’s too bad. Some days it feels like more than it is – first dates over and over can get exhausting – but I had a flurry of activity after the New Year and have slowed down to a more reasonable 2 dates a month. Maybe slow and steady wins the race or maybe I’m just over the same thing time after time. Either way, I plan to keep track go forward since I didn’t do that in my first blog!

I think I’m doing better overall with my choices. I don’t feel in any rush to jump into dates just to keep busy – and I have a hella lot of time to fill! I try to reflect on my dates each time and see what I can take forward.  I think I am better at evaluating what is worth my time and energy and where I want to invest.

I absolutely feel differently about dating this time around. It doesn’t feel as frivolous as before which probably has some good and not-so-good aspects to it. I think I’ve matured as far as dating goes and become a little bit more open-minded.

Part of the fun goes away when you stop being frivolous and start focusing on real relationship material.  It’s probably also what turns some guys off to me as well, but if a man can’t say “I am also looking to have a relationship” and instead says “I wills hat happens” it only indicates to me he really isn’t thinking about long term.

I do know I don’t want to be alone, and perhaps, during this more quiet time in my life, I will be better able to evaluate the must-haves from my long list of relationship requirements.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

5 thoughts on “So Many Men….So Much Time!”

  1. It seems to me that if you’re looking for something more long term, that’s a screening process you should focus on. It seems to me there are a few reasons to date: Recreation (and yes, that includes just wanting to get laid), just to be social, and to find a partner. It also seems to me that a woman can weed out a lot of the “suckers” by making her intentions clear from the beginning by saying, at some point, “I’m looking for someone who wants to be in a long term relationship.” That, all by itself, would go a long way to separate the men from the boys.

    But, sure, if you just wanna, um, have a good time (to be a little more polite), you can make that crystal clear for those you’d think would provide that good time. Yeah, some aspects of dating are fun and get quite serious when a relationship is the real goal… but who says you can’t have fun when looking for relationship material? I’m thinking that if a woman gets to thinking that looking for a mate is too much like work, that could put her mind in a bad place, making her focus on her relationship requirements and taking the fun out of the process.

    And if you’re not gonna have fun dating for any of the three reasons I mentioned, what are you doing and why?

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    1. Yes you are right – I’ve learned that taking it all too seriously (meaning only focused on LTR potential) eliminates any fun along the way. I just realized recently though so I’m trying to put into practice. I don’t think my head is in a sex only space – I’m still a little weird about it but I feel like that might change.

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      1. You ask yourself – and at any time you want to – “What kind of guy do I need today? Am I looking for a partner today… or someone to scratch my itches?” It’s good to have goals in this and do your best to achieve them but I think we all tend to look forward a lot, to the end run, and not give a whole lot of thought to how we’re feeling right now and what are needs are in that specific moment. We try to live one day at a time but our feelings – and our needs – require us to be in the moment, in the here and now and whatever happens five minutes from now could be something entirely different.

        So thinking long term is smart but so is really listening to yourself in the moment. If your head is in a sex-only place, okay – it is what it is and denying yourself in this is counterproductive… but it also puts your mind in a place to look for guys for sex… but if they reveal they’ve got more going for them than this, okay, that works, too.

        If your feelings say, “I really need to look for a man who can be mine!” then that’s a different tack, requiring a more complete and closer look at guys that can be “intense” – but ask yourself what would make this worthwhile task a lot more fun for you while you’re checking them out and vetting them as best you can. I know finding the right guy to be in a relationship isn’t easy but it doesn’t have to be hard work.

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