Strange Days

I am beginning to wonder if thinking of Tony is cyclical. Maybe hormonal related? Or maybe it’s the empath in me. Whatever it is, I am sure it’s some kind of strange intuition because I’m not sure I can believe things are just this random.

I believe Tony is most likely still employed at Peloton. I bought the bike last summer to feel closer to him. Stupidest reasoning ever, but there’s the truth of it. I can’t even make sense of it. I barely rode in the beginning and he didn’t ride at all – he just worked at the corporate HQ.

When I had my last break of texting his wife in early February, I also made the decision that if I didn’t absorb myself into something else that I was going to slip right back into a massive depression. The bike is very expensive and it was sitting there. It was an easy choice that was healthy for me.

And then, in typical Madeline fashion, I became obsessed. This is a good obsession and keeps me focused and healthy. I feel fantastic after so many months of a sedentary and disabled life.

I didn’t think about Tony when I chose to invest my energy in the Peloton, somehow he became less the reason for the bike. I joined several groups for support and quickly joined the Peloton cult. I check in with members every day, ride in a group, and have made friends that I will be meeting in person this weekend. The community is so supportive its insane. I chose to buy into it. (I acknowledge I need to write a post about self-talk….a whole bunch of thoughts have been bubbling up lately).

With that said, there was one ride an instructor called Tony’s name in a shout-out. I can guess this instructor and Tony have become friends. It sucked for a day or so and started me thinking about Tony’s participation in Peloton (because he wasn’t a rider when I bought the bike).

Late last week, Tony has been in the forefront of my thoughts again – which never bodes well. I want to speak to him so badly and have to argue with myself consistently. There is no good outcome from reaching out to him. There is no reason to reach out to him.

Of course it never stops there with me.

Once I started to think of him more consistently again, the thought occurred to me he may be participating in the same Peloton event that I am attending this weekend. Then nausea started to set in. If I were to see him, and possibly with his wife, and certain he would ignore me – it would probably debilitate me and ruin my entire Peloton community weekend.

Then yesterday, I was in the city and was “this close” to taking a class at the studio when I decided to head home instead. Thank goodness my feet took me home because, I took that class on demand later in my day and who was at the front of class: Tony. Same instructor, Tony’s kind of music, and he was seated right at the front of class where you can see him on video most of the class. Of course the instructor also shouted him out and spoke to him.

I didn’t feel sick this time. Instead I worked up my best time ever and sweat mounds of sweat getting through that ride cursing the bastard for sitting there in his life. Knowing he’s back into his perfect life and marriage and just feeling angry. The anger fueled me and I got a personal best record for the ride. I wasn’t done. I went down to my treadmill for another hour-and-a-half and did some walk + run classes to continue my sweat.

If I had bumped into him at the studio, it would not have gone well. His last words to me were “my last impression of you is an asshole. Congratulations”. He means it too. I crossed the line with his wife and his wife told his kids – his worst nightmare come true to look bad in their eyes. I know him well enough to know he doesn’t forgive, certainly not a threat to his family. I am the one who hurt his family and he will always think of me that way. I am sad about it, but that’s my own doing.

This is why I think it’s some strange intuition in me. I started thinking of him and suddenly he actually manifests.

I don’t think he will be at the event this weekend, but as a sort of protection, August is going with me to the Saturday evening cocktail party and concert. It was a last minute decision when I heard from August again and I hope I don’t regret it. He’s about to be thrown into a pool of Peloton crazies and I don’t care. As long as he’s on my arm if Tony should be there.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

11 thoughts on “Strange Days”

  1. Holy crap! Be THANKFUL that you parlayed your obsessive tendencies constructively into the workout. Not long ago, those obsessive tendencies would have awakened Trixie and she might have been riding the elephant and charging right back into acting out at Tony and his family. You’ve come a long way. Good idea to bring August to this event, not only to distract you, but to help you remain accountable and in the drama-free-zone should you see Tony. And, chances are that he isn’t going.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are absolutely correct with everything! I am so tired from the exertions yesterday that I could barely pedal today! I really killed it on the bike and refused to be upset. Then I walked and ran until it all subsided. Then I wrote. I am thankful I found a way to sidestep what could be a setback for me.

      I am putting it into the universe “he will NOT be there” and I’m going to have a fabulous time.

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  2. In my experiences, women who go through a very bad breakup tend to disassociate themselves with anything that connects them back to the guy they wound up breaking up with. I think I understand the Peloton thing and, yeah, they are crazy expensive and since he appears to work for them, I can see how it can – in a weird sort of way – keep you connected to him since it stands to reason that he’d be involved in Peloton events and as his job requires. Perhaps some women would have sold their Peloton and dissolving that connection but, yeah, that puppy ain’t cheap and it makes little sense to get rid of something that’s not only very expensive but, well, you use it as part of your getting back into shape routine.

    Perhaps some women wouldn’t attend the Saturday event given that running into him could turn very ugly but as you say, that’s a bed you made yourself and there are always consequences so if you go and take August, that might provide a buffer between you and Tony IF he shows up for the event.

    I agree with Nichtisobel – holy crap! All I can say is that I hope and pray that things work out for you at the event should you attend it, which gets kinda iffy in that, on the one hand, you’re an avid Peloton fan and part of the group and this is a good thing while, on the other, it can put you “back in touch” with your obsession with Tony – almost a damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario. Standing tall and being strong in the face of this adversity makes sense while exposing yourself to the object of your obsession doesn’t make a lot of sense given the drama that just might ensue. Going on with your life is mandated but it just flat out sucks to always be reminded of him in this particular aspect of your life.

    Jeez.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The Peloton is sticky. I had been looking to buy one long before he worked there. He started around the same time I pulled the trigger. The more he told me about the company and the more I researched the more I wanted a piece of it. But the final determination was it kept me feeling like I was connected to him. I did not know where he was working for a long time and could only assume he stayed there (he had left last summer and that’s where I lost track). I don’t look at the bike and think of him other than a stupid decision (for once in my life) turned itself around into a very positive thing.

      I have told my crew what’s going on so that people understand. I truly and seriously doubt he will be there, but this ride sort of showed me just when I least expect him to show up he can because the Peloton world isn’t huge.

      Nothing would be ugly. Except my tears. I would not approach him if I felt scathing hatred from him or saw him with his wife. I would simply end up miserable. But no scene would ever ensue. I can guarantee staying away from him since now I’ve chosen to take August.

      I truly love the Peloton community I’ve become a part of and will not part with it because of him – this got split in the divorce as far as I’m concerned.

      It does suck I get reminded of him, period.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Tony hurt his family, not you. Those who don’t want to get burned shouldn’t play with fire.

    I’ve been reading for a while… but today realized I don’t know the answer: Are you seeing a therapist? Please do if you’re not already. He/she should be able to provide tips or insight to stop the obsessive thoughts.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey welcome back, missed you. I was seeing a therapist very consistently through January until I lost my health insurance. Since I’m not working, I cannot afford the expense. We did deal
      With the obsessive thoughts the last few sessions and that’s how I got into the work out. The question remains why it still bothers me so much and why I allow it to get out of hand.

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      1. I don’t disagree but at the end – he always kept saying to me that if I told his wife it was me who was evil and went after his family – that he would always blame me for doing the damage. I suppose, in his situation, it’s easier to place the hard blame on me rather than himself. He would get very angry when I would say he brought this on himself. It was a two way street.

        I am not trying to absolve myself either, tbh.

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