My Poison

I was doing my usual sweep of social media this morning and saw Tony’s daughters FB. I know it’s creepy I look at his childrens social media, but it’s the last place I can see him. I also know he’s celebrating a wedding anniversary soon and figured someone would post a photo.

I got a video of Tony giving his wife a family trip to Italy because their son is studying abroad.

At first I felt sick. A literal shock rolled through my body. As I watched the video a second time, I was calmer. He looks like the same person I knew but perhaps tinged with cowardice(?) Does that make any sense.

I have a feeling I missed all along he was a little afraid of his wife. I got hints of it along the way, and I don’t think he’s afraid of her per se, but afraid of how she could ruin his life.

I’m not surprised or bothered by the family trip. I know it’s very common after a DDay to plan big moments like this to bond. To invest back into the relationship you were taking away from during your affair.

It’s a morbid curiosity for me to know what happened after their DDay and to learn what my part in the story was. I know it’s none of my business but how do I stop thinking about it?

How do I shut down my brain from obsessing like this? It’s been a year since I’ve seen this man and I’m still obsessing.

I understand what he gave me and why it was so important to me. I understand I will never be with him again. But why do I continue to want connection with him?

Part of me does wonder if the daughter did it intentionally? Her mother told her of the affair – did she tell her about me? Why does this matter to me when I known this is none of my business.

As a last thought, because I was being reckless, I now realize his daughter can see that I viewed her video on FB.

Will I be sick forever? Is my mind entirely destroyed from this affair – never able to get straight again?

I can’t seem to let go. I’m worried I may never let go. I’m worried I can only hold Trixie down for a while before I truly do harm again.

I’m a broken record. People with normally functioning brains can’t understand me. I want to will it all away and make active and conscious good decision to do so. Then something like this takes over and debilitates me.

I dialed his number from a burner and listened to his voice mail. Then I sent a text telling him I missed him. He’s not stupid so he will know I saw the video.

I deleted the burner now and wrote this post to save a little sanity. Next I will do some exercise. I should have put the phone down first and helped myself out of the burning desire to communicate with him but, as usual, the obsession won the fight.

Why, why do I feel some need to speak to him? I don’t have any desire to see him – but something in me wants more from him. More that I know I will not get.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

7 thoughts on “My Poison”

  1. Tell Trixie to get lost! You did the right thing by writing about this. I think you need to raise your head and look around — what triggered you this morning to walk down this twisted road? Where you bored? Did something stressful trigger you? What’s going on around you that you fell back into cyber stalking?

    You are doing much better. This is just a little half-step back. You made a good recovery by deleting the burner and writing. Now figure out what triggered this. March forward!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Maggie I wish I knew! It’s killing me. I always check social media. Today wasn’t any different. It was inevitable something would show up sooner or later.

      I worry about this obsession. It’s been on my mind all day and the “need” to do something is horrible – I even exhausted myself on the treadmill.

      I feel so broken

      Like

      1. Here’s a question I’ve been asked when people on the outside see me being irrational about allowing a very self-destructive behavior to continue. What is it that you fear most if you were to, say, block access to any account having to do with Tony? Do you feel like someone will die? You? Him?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Ok. When I would get obsessive usually something wasn’t going right which wanted me to go back to him, my escape. He wasn’t who I thought he was (not entirely his fault). So elites it was a fight with my husband. I’m trying hard to avoid it completely. Apparently it was upsetting I followed his wife (not together when this happened, I really liked her) on Instagram so I was blocked so I am deciding for good to stay back. It’s more a morbid curiosity now.

    Like

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