On Being Thin

Sorry this story meanders a bit…I felt like I had so many bits to piece together….

It’s strange to write this, because I have been thin before in my life. At the risk of offending someone I have this belief that people who grew up thin have a different mindset than those who grew up heavy. I have always seen myself as a thin girl who did damage to herself by allowing herself to become fat.

I was thin, active, muscular and healthy thought my childhood and into my teens. I developed around age 15, a late bloomer, but didn’t start putting on weight until 18 due to hormonal issues (I’ve always had problems!)

I do not have a fat girl screw the world mentality. I’m not angry at all the thin girls and models. I do not have a love me at any size mantra. I wanted to be thin again. I felt better in every aspect of my life and I remember that feeling. Sure, there were times in the 180-200 pound range over the last 7-8 years in which I felt great too, but most of my adult life was over 210 pounds and I never had the confidence from my physique I felt I needed.

Perhaps, as with everything in age, we savor things as we get older. I want to live out my life thin, healthy and strong. I wanted to live in the feeling of being comfortable in a thin body.

I do find it very strange to be thin once again after 20 years. I don’t recall feeling like this, except around my wedding (when I was too thin).

My body has lost all its shape. My rib cage and hips are much more narrow now than they were in my teens into 20s. My college years were plump with ugly hair 🤣. I found a bit of physical positivity by 22 and was married by 26, so there wasn’t much time in there to really enjoy my newfound body positivity. I don’t think I paid enough attention to myself back then. I just don’t remember much about my body other than mostly being unhappy with it my entire life for one reason or another and always struggling to “get back to thin” after I turned 30.

Generally speaking, even when I was thin I still had abdominal scars from childhood surgeries as well as stretch marks as my breasts developed late and large

I read this is common for most woman, regardless of age, shape, weight or height. What a shame we waste so much time when we are young.

Anyway, I am thin now. People say too thin because I lost all my fullness. Nothing on me is round or shapely anymore. My bones come out in my neck and back. My shoulders are thin. I sort of see what they see, I look older. I don’t care much. I like being thin.

My closest friends as ask how I feel about myself and I tell them I feel fine. They think I can’t see how thin I’ve become. They ask me to stop losing weight.

I went for a full girls day of day shopping for the first time ever. My friend spent the time in each store with me to try on everything. She helped me pull an entire Spring into Summer wardrobe together on a pretty good budget. I was able to determine my size in various brands. I was much smaller than I had anticipated and a little shocked how my body had changed since December. My shape is settling in now.

It felt amazing to try clothes on. I could try on anything I saw that I liked. That’s never happened before. Things fit properly, even around my chest. Clothing looked good on me. Like, really good. I could wear my beautiful shoes with beautiful clothes now and make a striking figure.

I’ve been waiting to feel like this my whole life. I don’t think I had enough confidence in my 20s pre-marriage to feel powerful when dressed. I don’t even think I had identified my style. When I’m dressed I forget about the scars and hanging skin (other than that horrible chicken-skin under my arms, ah well, I’m working on that!) When I chose clothing I liked and saw things look good or not good on me – I was able to have choices. I was used to was to accepting whatever fit well enough and covered my flab which was limiting and expensive when I dressed well. This was actually enjoyable to see things flatter me and I loved trying on inexpensive clothing to compliment more expensive pieces to curate my style for the first time in my life.

Looking at myself every day in the mirror didn’t prepare me for the shopping experience. This was definitely a NSV (non scale victory) ranking up at the top. I truly enjoyed what many women have down their whole lives and I have shied away from.

Knowing I have the base to work with encourages me to keep working on my fitness and diet – I don’t feel defeated that I’m exercising and eating well with no results – I can see the results now. Yes, it started with surgery -but the last month or two have been my personal effort to hit my goals.

I’ve dropped a bit of weight quickly recently, most likely as my body was shocked from the exercise, lack of period, and the hospital visit and was holding onto water weight. I’m down to a solid 145 lbs now and would be happy to stay put here for good.

I don’t see what others might see – I don’t see “too thin” at least not yet. I don’t intend to drop more weight internationally. My goal was always 145-150 pounds and I believe it looks fine on my 5’8″ frame. I’m mostly a size M or 8. I believe as I continue to work with my weights and cardio I will develop muscle and look toned and that should help.

Surgery wasn’t a permanent fix. I still have my entire life ahead of me to maintain. I can’t allow myself to drop the new habits I’ve created, ever. Surgery gave me a tool, and a very powerful one, but it can still be mid-used. My goal is to always pay attention to myself now and create the body positivity I have been missing for so many years. Unfortunately, it was not a good trade-off getting thin at the expense of horrid scars and crippling sickness – but it’s done, I hit that reset button for better or worse – and I want to enjoy where I am without worrying about being “too” anything.

Once again in my life “I’m not right” for people. I know they are looking out for my best interest, but constantly hearing “you are disappearing” or “everyone thinks you’re too thin” just reinforces my old belief that I’m still not “good enough” for anyone.

PS: the photo is of the famous 1960s model Twiggy. She was 5’6″ (short for a Model) and weighed less than 100 pounds at times – so, no, I’m not that thin!

PPS: Here’s where I want to be (in my sexy dreams!). What’s scary is the poster writes “145 lbs sounds like a lot”. People really don’t understand women’s weight numbers as compared to appearance

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

13 thoughts on “On Being Thin”

  1. I don’t think 145 is too much and, just my opinion, anyone who’s telling you that you need to stop losing weight probably doesn’t really understand why you did what you did so you could lose the weight you didn’t want. Some people…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I would say most people in my life truly do not understand how debilitating the weight struggle was for me throughout my life because they saw a strong, confident woman at any weight. I feel like I masked the unhappiness and sheer burden of carrying. Around the weight up/down during my adulthood. Even without fighting for my life afterwards – the decision for the surgery was a last attempt to repair what I couldn’t seem to do on my own.

      I read in a lot of posts for bariatric patients how people think the surgery is a “cheat” to weight loss. It’s really mean and unfortunate people don’t attempt to understand fully that this is a life altering decision.

      Like

      1. I recall reading that the bariatric surgery is that last ditch effort when nothing else has worked… and it comes with a price and a pain-in-the-ass “side effect” as a result of losing all that weight and, indeed, it is a major life altering event.

        Which, for many, is a better choice than to be morbidly obese and courting an early demise due to the slew of health issues associated with being overweight like this so, maybe it’s just me, but I applaud your decision to do this and if anyone gave a fuck about you, they’d be giving you a standing ovation as well as having your back in this.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I always shake my head because our journeys are so similar. 145 sounds awesome! I would love to wear a size 8. I was out looking for a second interview suit this weekend and it was so depressing. I ended up getting a navy suit at Target. Target?! It was spend that $65 or $500 at Brooks Brothers….

    But the part that inspired me was what my options will be when I lose the weight…. you go girl!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am happy now with my weight and don’t recall a time just sitting at a weight being like “this feels good, I want to stay here” ever in my life. I also got an interview suit on discount at JCrew (separates) and it’s super comfortable – you should take a look as it would look good on you too. The pant is the Cameron. The jacket is the Regent. Fabric is utterly fabulous 😉. Target makes some decent stuff, I don’t knock the mass markets anymore. I just bought a shit ton of work out gear and summer Ts at Forever 21

      Liked by 1 person

  3. do you booboo! As you can see, you can never please everyone. Your either too fat or too skinny. Why the hell cant ppl just be happy for someone?! Like obvi your proud of your weight accomplishments – as you should be. Its been a long process. Fuck em. Fuck em all. As long as you feel good, thats all that matters.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m a big girl, was not in my teens, I was gorgeous, but I thought I was fat. I won’t go into detail but I have always had severely disordered eating.

    I hate when people comment on others bodies. You are eating. You are working out. You are healthy. Yeah it didn’t start that way. I have had the opposite. It doesn’t feel good. People mean well but really weight should be a no comment zone to someone they know has been struggling. It’s probably just drastic for them.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’m sorry you’ve struggled with weight too.

      I know they mean well and I realize I look “thin” as compared to “full and healthy” at the moment but I’m still getting better.

      I feel amazing as far as my weight is concerned and not taking their comments negatively, just a bit surprised so many are telling me to “stop losing weight now” because it means they don’t really comprehend how important it was to me to achieve my goal.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply to kdaddy23 Cancel reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s