This is Why I Stopped Being Sexy

This isn’t exactly the reason I stopped being sexy (refer to my Scared post), but this got my goat.

I went on a date with a man named Duke. He was an Irish/Italian immigrant, not my traditional “look” but handsome nonetheless and spirited. I met him in the city.

Duke had a great sense of a story and told some good ones. He had a very interesting and different life and I was engaged, though not entirely attracted.

I suppose at some point Duke said I was a pleasant surprise from our text conversation where I appeared disinterested …. that definitely struck a chord with me as I’ve been feeling it lately (see my most recent pity party post).

When Duke made the comment, it turned over in my mind a bit and I debated internally if I wanted to change that perception, or not, with him. He was going to be super easy to flirt with and I could tell he had an engaging sexual style. I could imagine kissing him.

But even as I debated in my head, I couldn’t get the sassy, sexy, fun girl up out of my gut to be present in that bar with him. She would not come out. I had no desire to force it, it didn’t feel right. I tried one of my good stories, and while it came out ok and got its requisite laugh, it didn’t even feel genuine to me. I didn’t share it because I wanted him to know more about me, I shared it because I had a story I knew was good. That’s it. Nothing more.

No wonder I come across as disinterested. I’m disinterested and disengaged from MYSELF .

When it was time to leave, we walked out together, had a lovely kiss goodbye and he asked me out again. He also asked me to flirt with him. I agreed to both. I agreed because I wanted to and it would be fun, it was less so about actual chemistry.

He followed up that night as well as the next day and I tried to keep it light with a promise of a little shower or bra shot as I was getting ready for my evening the next night.

When the time came for my shower, I snapped the promised photo and sent it over, with a small explanation I had not shared a photo like this in over a year so he was “lucky 🍀” I was afraid of his reaction and wanted to provide some (lame) context of why I may appear disinterested when I’m really afraid and that’s what came out instead. I wasn’t ready to be emotionally open with him.

It wasn’t my best as my body is so thin now and nothing appears full anymore – but it is what it is and someone is going to need to love it the way it is now.

His answer:

“Oh dear. Pot of gold :)”

My reply: ”

“You think?”

His reply:

“Shenanigans ahoy”

And that was it since Saturday night.

It bothered me, of course, for a minute. The first god dam sexy photo I take and the guy disappears overnight. He got what he asked for, was obviously disappointed, and ghosted me.  But then, you know what, I didn’t care enough.  I sent him a not so kind message back by Monday, then blocked and deleted him.  I hate when someone pretends to “not be the typical man” and then turns out to be exactly that.

This is exactly what I am afraid of each and every time and why I’ve been holding back with sexy talk and sexy shots. I’m deathly afraid of more rejection. And it happened!  However, I also know you can’t start a relationship holding on to all this fear and expecting some new man to suddenly be everything I thought Tony was.  I want to be safe with someone, and I made a bad choice with Duke, but at least it reminded me why I don’t need to do those things for anyone anymore…..until I really want to and  until I am truly turned on by the person I am sharing it with.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

6 thoughts on “This is Why I Stopped Being Sexy”

  1. Now if it was me I would have followed up with a simple hello and not assume he didn’t like what he saw. Never know, he might have been super busy that weekend.
    Whatever the case is, you did what you did and if it felt right to tell him off so be it.
    None of us women are perfect! We ALL have parts of our bodies we don’t like. Yours is completely new to you since your big weight loss. You will learn to embrace it as yours someday and soon you’ll feel comfortable letting some special man do the same. But I feel he will need to embrace all of you. Mind, body and spirit. He’s out there. Some mature guy that doesn’t center his interest on what your naked body looks like. Make them wonder a while. Right?


  2. You had your hesitation about him during your first date. Not wanting to engage with him in a sexual context only means you recognize your value and you aren’t rushing to please any man that crosses your path.

    If he felt you were “disinterested” on the date, I would ask why he wasn’t trying to engage with you more? Is he use to being chased and was expecting you to fawn over him?

    Perhaps you need to think about how to re-frame this instead of labeling it “rejection”. Maybe these internet dates should be re-framed as “making new friends”? It seems you put a lot of is so much pressure on yourself when “dating” . Perhaps you were hasty in blocking him, but you do what’s right for you. Please be kindest to the person you spend the most time with — you.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. He didn’t think I was disinterested in the date, he felt I was that way on the phone before I met him. We spoke about my hesitation in flirting too much (on the phone) before meeting and he remarked I wasn’t at all like that in person. Internally I had agreed with myself I would try to be a little sexier if that’s what he wanted – I didn’t feel pressured exactly, and wanted to get my mojo going for myself.

      I was partially embarrassed to have sent a photo and have him ghost me as much as I was angry. There was no going back from that. I didn’t like him enough to pursue more or allow him to come back after not engaging more once I sent the photo. I was trying to get a little “sexy” on to see if I could do it for myself and perhaps consciously create the flirt (which used to happen so naturally)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree with that totally – in hindsight. Didn’t see it while it was happening though. The moment it happened (Tom late I already sent the photo) I knew. Which is why I sent a snarky response and block/delete him. Haven’t given it more thought

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree with jcisme123 and maggiemayat50 but the thing I’d be focused on is why my brain is cock-blocking me when I don’t wanna be cock-blocked. Why am I feeling disconnected? Is it really the guy letting his inner asshole out or is my disconnected brain making mountains out of molehills so my disconnection can keep rolling along unabated.

    I’ll be quite blunt: As a guy, I don’t particular care what a woman’s body looks like; I’m more interested in what’s going on in her head – inner beauty, not external beauty. Continuing to be blunt and despite anything else that’s interesting about a woman, sure, if she’s willing to get naked for and with me, that fact alone is the only thing that matters and more so that no matter what her body looks like, it’s still able to be stimulated and A will still fit into B rather nicely, thank you very much.

    But women are funny; once they decide that their body is ugly and not sexy, that’s usually a wrap for any guy who’d try to convince her otherwise – she’s just not gonna believe it, think the guy is just placating her, so on and so forth. You send me a picture of you naked and, again, I don’t know about these dudes you go after but I’m thinking of a whole lot of things I can do to it if, you know, you weren’t so disconnected and not of a mind to let me show you that no matter what your body looks like, you’re still sexy.

    But if you don’t feel that way, yup, that’s a problem. If you do not present yourself as being connected and sexy, just how do you think the average guy is going to react? I might not know shit about women but I know about guys and even I can be made to be disinterested in a woman when she, herself, is giving off vibes of being disconnected, disinterested, and not being sexy. Fact is a lot of guys are superficial; it’s all about what they see and if they don’t like what they see, it’s a deal-breaker but one of the things we also see is how you behave when we’re with you and I kinda hate to say this but if you show us that you don’t wanna get laid or otherwise be intimate, guess what ain’t gonna happen?

    Like I said to you yesterday, if you’re not gonna give a fuck, how can you expect someone else to give a fuck when you present yourself in a “I don’t give a fuck” way? I don’t think of myself as a “typical guy” since I taught myself to see with better eyes than my male peers do; your body is what it is – at least for now – but the more important stuff – how you see yourself, how you feel about yourself, etc., is of greater import and guys who are paying attention will see this; they will note your being disconnected and disinterested and that, my dear, is a major turn-off for the majority of men.

    Sometimes you, as a woman, have to make us want you and more so if/when, in your case, your body doesn’t appear to be as desirable as even you think it should be. If you’re not willing to “force” the issue – and if you assume that we’re just supposed to want you as a matter of course, well, this ain’t helping with whatever goals you have toward getting back on the horse and, yeah, getting back on the dick and as you want and need to be.

    The trick just might be is to get a guy to refocus – don’t think about your body, think more about how I want you to have access to it because what I look like naked has nothing to do with my desires and needs; now, can you look past that? If the guy can’t – and most guys won’t be able to due to being terribly superficial – then you wave him off and keep looking for the guy who, oddly enough, doesn’t give a fuck what you look like naked because he understands that being intimate with you is the key to you feeling sexy and all that good stuff. I’m not saying that you should throw yourself at every guy you date but, again, if you come off as disinterested and disconnected, you’ve pretty much killed your chances for any future intimacy.

    I asked myself again: Would I date Madeline if it were possible? Yeah, I would because you present an interesting challenge in that there’s “something wrong” with you that I think I could fix and the key to fixing it isn’t fussing over the condition of your body – it’s getting inside your head and reminding you that no matter what you look like, you’re still a woman.

    Liked by 3 people

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