Crazy Talk

I’m writing this to get it out of my head. I haven’t told anyone but the blog about looking at Tony’s photo and obsessing, but I haven’t been sleeping well and generally feeling a funk.

I know it has to be from that darn photo. Nothing else has changed.

I’ve now spent almost a week dwelling on the fact that he’s back in his marriage full time, he lied to me in November to say “nothing had changed between them” because I recall that bonding/hysterical sex is a real thing after finding out about an affair. So chances are he’s in a better marriage now than he was before.

It makes me want to vomit that I am obsessing and he’s getting on with his wonderful life and wife.

I want control now, of my thoughts, my ability to STOP caring about this man that nearly took life from me because I allowed it. I want to STOP worrying about someone who could care less for me.

I have to STOP thinking of how great I might have fantasized it could be because it was never anything but fantasy. We had a time, a season and now it passed.

I’m still thinking a lobotomy is my best option.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

4 thoughts on “Crazy Talk”

  1. It’s been a long long time since I’ve commented, but yours is the only blog of many I still follow…I think because I have come to care about your well-being. Add to that is that you are clearly caring and it’s difficult from this perch to see you getting sidetracked…not necessarily derailed. That make sense?

    Here, your last paragraph says it all. I know…easier said (or written) than done. But after all, it was a fantasy and as a very bright and intuitive woman, you know that. And, in addition, the other fantasy you need to stop entertaining is assuming he’s “getting on with his wonderful life and wife.” I think you need more time on that Peloton to refocus.


    Liked by 2 people

    1. Your last line made me laugh out loud! Thanks for that! 😂

      Thanks for always following me and reading. I know it’s mostly mundane these days but I am trying hard to pull my head back together – you are right – sidetracked is a great word.

      Thanks Cameron ❤️


  2. I have found the best way to forget is to be busy but in a positive way. When it gets negative in life you will fantasize if you don’t find positive outlets. That was my downfall. I was in a shitty marriage and kept it all to myself. When things were good he was back there but not front and center, like a distant memory when things got bad I missed having someone I fantasized him to be.


  3. Maybe you need to think about a new habit/action to take whenever your mind drifts to him. I think negative reinforcement might be in order for this new behavior. Meaning you have to do something you really don’t like to do. Perhaps negative association will help you avoid obsessing. For me it would be something like, “If I think about Tony, I have to thoroughly clean the floors” or some other mundane, god awful chore. Thusly, I would never think of that man again. Anything to avoid mundane, god awful chores….

    Liked by 1 person

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