Hit a Little Low

A little low, I realized, is much different than where I have been! So that’s good news, right?

I didn’t sleep well, was up and tossing every hour which is unusual as of late.

Wasn’t as motivated to work out as I have been the past 18 days.

Didn’t really want to move from couch.

Sort of depressed I haven’t focused energy on the work search. I’ve put my energy on exercise which I’ve been very consistent with now that I’m in week 3.

It was hard to determine work OR exercise. I didn’t feel like I could do them both yet. But I feel immense guilt that I have no money and no motivation to do something about it.

I am guessing the early phone call with my x about son #1 who is living with him for the past month really set me off. It literally disturbed my mojo and I lost focus. What’s most worrisome about that is – how the hell am I going to actually work if I can’t manage more than one crisis/challenge at a time. I’m not writing about the phone call because my heart rate will spike (it literally got higher than my cardio!). But, am sure to write about son #1’s current actions in another post. The recap is basically he is not coming home and may be dropping out of school.

That one (admittedly very important) thing really threw me down to the ground. I did exercise quickly after that but could not find my center to push myself. Maybe today just becomes an active rest day.

So I’m sitting here writing this post and mulling over when I’m gonna get my ass in gear for the job search. Whole-heartedly in gear. I’m half-assing it at the moment or not doing anything at all.

I don’t even want to get my steps in today. I don’t think it’s good to fall off a wagon 18 days in. I am going to console myself that I still exercised for 35 minutes and I will go on the treadmill for another 30. Again, not a hard effort, but something.

At least I’m doing better than my pre-February self.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

15 thoughts on “Hit a Little Low”

  1. I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me till just now…but the reason why you are dealing with this lingering depression/lack of motivation/exhaustion etc (and why its SO different the anything you’ve ever experienced) isn’t just because of healing from the surgery. It’s directly caused from your gut. You removed part of it, right? There is a boatload of literature that has shown that our gut is literally “speaking” to our brains, through chemical pathways. It works like a circuit. I would have to dig up the science journals if you care to learn more….a simple google search will likely lead you to them too.

    Not only that, you’ve lost a massive amount of the bacteria that resides in your gut from the long-term use of antibiotics. You can correct it, by having the “right” kind of bacteria repopulated but it would take seeing an ND to discern what you have, what you are deficient in and which probiotic take. When certain bacteria overpopulate it drives inflammation, disease, craving for sugars/carbs etc. Basically you crave what the bacteria wants to eat. Sounds crazy eh? But it’s legit (you know me, I should have my own WebMD page by now). All of this has a huge bearing on your energy levels- motivational levels- stamina etc. It’s all interconnected.

    Heck, they even recently discovered a major part of the human body that they never knew existed: a new organ called the interstitium. It’s like a network of spider-web plasma sitting between our muscles and digestive organs and has a cosy relationship with fibroids developing (which I know you suffer from). They believe its transporting fluid, and information from various parts of our body- keeping everything “in tune” and working properly. In essence, having either your stomach stapled or removed changes everything. Do you think you could see a naturopath doctor and get some sort of work up, to help balance where your body is at today vs where it needs to be? The lack of energy, depression etc has gone on far too long. This a systemic issue that needs to be corrected hun.

    Anyways….hopefully some of this resonates with you. And maybe, this could direct you to some improvements in your heath.

    https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/scientists-say-they-ve-discovered-unknown-human-organ-could-help-n860601

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for this interesting info. Out of curiosity I looked into what might be close to be or if it was covered by my Cobra. The closest one is over an hours drive and not covered by my insurance – so considering finances this is a no go.

      But I know how in tune you are with your body and how you recovered yourself from that crazy thing you had over a year ago so I trust your instincts. You should have your own webmd page! 🤣

      My doctor did talk to me about what missing part of my stomach and bowel meant and how my body needed to adapt, at least in terms of absorption and distribution of necessary proteins etc into my body.

      I am also following a pretty good diet and test my blood every day twice a day for glucose and ketones right now and I’m always in a very high therapeutic state of ketosis – so I am feeding my body properly.

      I did speak to my surgeon about probiotics because a friend recommended them early on – and the surgeon sort of flipped out and said stay away from overdoing them, especially after all the surgery I had. He was fine with the Greek yogurt I eat, but nothing more. I do also eat cheese and cottage cheese which also contain probiotics. It seems after stomach and bowel surgery they don’t want you messing with the bacteria as your body has to stabilize.

      I really do think this is a mental game. My kid knocked me down this morning and I had the wind pushed out of my sails. I still did 85 minutes of exercise (down from my usual 100) so today wasn’t a loss, just not a push.

      I did also call my primary and she doesn’t think, after what I’ve been through, that 6 months is “too long”. Though I happen to agree with you, it feels like too long because it was really going on months before the surgeries.

      I think a good nights sleep and I will rebound tmrw.

      You really are amazing how your brain works – keep it up. One of the SMARTEST people I know!!!❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. ^^Wow^^ on twocheatinghearts comment. That’s really interesting.

    My comment is that the road to any recovery is not a straight upward trajectory. Setbacks are perfectly normal.

    For your son, you can write about it later, but just keep in mind that as much as we want to shield our kids from bad decisions, sometimes they just need to have life slap them in the face.

    I know I sound like a repetitive nag, but if you can, go outside. My whole mood when I’m in a funk changes when I get outside and get some fresh air. A walk around the block, a coffee — anything that gets you out of the house and moving around. It doesn’t need to be much.

    Remember, right now you are just doing small steps because those will build upon themselves. Even half-ass efforts count as small steps on the job search. Job searches are tough on the ego, so any forward progress is great.

    Be kind to yourself. It’s a journey, not a race. Hugs to you. Now go outside.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Mags your the best, I bet you were/still are the most supportive mum ever to your two. You always have a positive spin.

      I didn’t get outside, but I did go back for a long walk on the treadmill with a great video coach and some thumping house music and pushed through 40 minutes no problem.

      During the tread the coach said the same type of thing – which is why I am in love with my Peloton – you showed up, you already put in 10 minutes and that’s 10 minutes you weren’t even going to do! You got this!

      Thanks Mags ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I get the fear of “falling off the wagon.” However, here’s a theory that could help dampen that fear. When I look back at times that I have “fallen off the wagon” with setting up a new habit, it’s usually because something came out of left field and overall disrupted my routine for at least a few days. For example, when I travel, or when I have an intense project come up that eats up time that I have to exercise. It also happens when I am complacent (usually when I get to some point of already getting some benefit from the changed habit and I reason with myself that it’s thus no longer critical that I follow through). This is in contrast to the times that I have off-days because I feel depressed or distracted by a critical-but-short-term thing (like a draining high-octane conversation with a loved-one). Maybe do some boot-and-suspenders thing to make sure you resume tomorrow, and simultaneously, be as kind as you can to yourself? ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes! You are totally right Nichts! I do that thing too where it appears I’ve done enough or hit a goal and then slack off. I hate that. My intention is to push pass that.

      I did get another solid 40 minutes of exercise in today. I didn’t meet my steps because I sat more than usual, but I didn’t end up being a total slacker.

      My kid threw me for a loop. I also realized that “not thinking” and just pushing through exercise is a good way to release the anxiety … now I just want to remain consistent!

      Thanks for great advice and support!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. 18 days in… keep in mind that even the toughest of regimes require rest. So. Keep going with your plan of if you have done your exercise, that it’s ok. You’re allowed a mental health day, you have had massive change. I have been off for nearly a year and I’m finally excited to find work. It took a lot. We are in very different places but I really think you have to let yourself listen to your needs a bit. If you don’t feel like the job search today, you’re not going to be any good at it. Better to leave it to another day when you’re going to be more devoted.

    I also have to say- have you been in touch with some headhunters? You sound like a catch in terms of being at a good part of your game. Let them do the looking and walking you through to the right door.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Gone – thanks for the encouragement. I did need a little mental break there but I’m good today.

      I have been good with getting exercise in every day and using days in between as active recovery day. So I don’t push myself as hard those days. Actually writing a post about it. 😊

      I can’t seem to wrap my mind around work – you’re right – I know when I’m ready I will be able to focus. Yes, head hunters for sure are working for me! I’m sort of in between so it’s a weird level in my industry.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I pushed a lot for a bit and got nowhere and now I finally seem to be in a place where my skills are demanded and I have a few different opportunities and all seem to be headed for an offer. It’s all going to unpack in a few days but I definitely don’t think pushing when you’re out of steam will help it will just frustrate. But I get the money wants. My savings are… in dire need of snoring up

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I have four children and all of them went to college. Only the first is using the degree she obtained (and she went on to get a law degree – but she has always had a type A personality and drive). The next two got degrees – one in film (and she now is a wedding cake designer) and the other in hotel tourism and management (and she goes from job to job – none of them having anything to do with her degree).

    My youngest got a scholarship, went to college, and nearly committed suicide because he was so stressed, lonely and felt like such a failure. He ended up losing his scholarship, being asked to leave that university, and moved back home and took a break. He happened to stumble on a job being a scribe in an emergency room and liked the environment so much that he went to community college and was certified first as an emergency medical technician and then a paramedic. He’s found his niche, loves his job, saves lives every single day, has been promoted to a supervisory position, and is now talking about continuing his education to become a nurse, nurse practitioner, or physician assistant.

    Some kids are just not ready for college right after high school. I’ve always thought that we are asking too much of children to demand that they decide at 18 what they want to do with the rest of their lives and train for that job immediately. I think it would be much better to allow them to get some life experience, travel, and work in some different fields for a year or two before they (or in most cases – we the parents) make that sort of monetary investment in their future.

    I myself screwed the pooch when I was 18-19 – failing a bunch of classes at college and being asked to leave. It wasn’t until years later (when I had three children) that I decided to go back to school (starting with community college). Paying for it myself made me very motivated to do well. When I got my associates degree, I went onto a university and got my BA – again, paying for it myself. Just because a kid doesn’t get a degree now doesn’t mean that they won’t ever get a degree — and getting a degree doesn’t mean that they will not be happy or a success (especially because success is not just about money).

    Liked by 2 people

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