My therapist suggested I write letters to whoever I need, then let go.

I have never really been able to get to a succinct enough letter for Tony or my x. I suppose that might mean I’m still to attached to all the reasons those relationships didn’t work out.

I’ve been waking up each morning subconsciously thinking about Tony. I don’t like it one bit because I can’t stop my mind from waking me like that. The pattern this past week seems to be the lies he’s told me and my struggle to determine what’s true or what I want to hold on to as the truth.

My brain is like a target missile when I obsess over something. Looking for the truth. Looking for the moment I missed the clues and connections I should have been making. I don’t even know how my subconscious keeps coming back to him. I am really and actively trying to NOT think about this man every minute. Seriously though, NONE of it matters anymore and I CANNOT seem to get it through my thick skull.

I tried meditation and it was about gratitude and love and sure enough, he was the first thing to pop into my mind that I’m grateful for.

I may just come to accept I am fucking nuts that I can’t move on almost a year after the final end and two years past the moment I knew he wasn’t leaving his marriage. I understand what gifts I received from that relationship and I understand I can take them forward. I don’t understand why I can’t just fucking let go already.

I know all the wonderful reasons I loved him and line for him. I know what I was given and what I lost but for Christ’s sake, it’s got to go. I’m never speaking to or seeing this man ever again in my life. He’s done, out, erased. Finite.

I just want to stop obsessing. I do not know how to control this and it makes me crazy how he consumes me. Even crazier that he moves on with his life and intact marriage/family. I want him exorcised or lobotomized from my brain. I want him gone already.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

5 thoughts on “Obsessing”

  1. This is very well written, but above all, remember an ex before that , and remember how you went through many of these same struggles but were able to love again

    This helps me a lot with my thought process when i need to move on from something.

    This is very touching.

    I would love to hear your thoughts about my posts as well!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I wouldn’t for one moment think they aren’t moving on without intense counseling or massive arguing.

    Moving on with the obsession is kinda what got me over it. I mean if you genuinely can’t stop you can only move on. Eventually it will fade and when you meet the right one you may wonder (I mean you spend so much of your life consumed, you care what happens but like in a book) but overall, they won’t matter to your life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Why do I care so much about if they are moving on or what’s going on in their lives? I literally am angry with myself for being consumed.

      I think I’m going to be like you, Morava, I’m going to have to live with it and take each day as it comes.


      1. It sucks and I regret that I wasted so much of my life. If I knew a better way I’d give you that advice. In my case I feel I made him my ideal, it wasn’t about him, it was like mourning some guy I made him to be and there was no way to get closure because it was like he didn’t exist.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well I’ve stuck out 3 years waiting on Tony (at least 3 by June) which is also a waste.

        I try and lol at him know and conjure up bad feelings like disgust for his dishonesty and I can’t do it. I swear some part of my brain is broken.


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