Girl Code 2

As it turns out, I knew a LOT about this man and my friend. They had dated on and off for years. She wanted him to be the one. She’s still not over him. Believe me, when you know a friend for a long time and the primary conversations you share are about dating, it takes a bit of time to start adding up just how much I knew.

I remember how she fell for him. I remember all the great sex and laughter. I remember how she could never understand why he didn’t commit. I remember when she was surprised to find out he had been dating other women (clear denial there on her part). And I remember when he finally said he wanted to give it a try and he exclusive and she took that a step further and started talking about blending families. When a non-committal man finally moves into the first stage of commitment, that’s a big step. But she wanted it ALL from him. He wasn’t ready or invested in taking their relationship that far.

I surmised along the way she was pushing him, like I said I know her M.O. He really is a prize in all seriousness. I can see why he liked this friend as well as why he didn’t commit to this woman.

The bottom line is he owed her nothing, but did I?

I had to think about the girl code. It’s not right to date someone’s ex unless that someone gives you license to do so. If one of my friends dated Tony I would be out of my mind with jealousy – particularly when I’m not over him.

All these thoughts went through my mind once I identified who he definitely was…and I had to pause. Do I rush off phone, do I chat some more, what even seems right at this moment? The brain works super fast and it takes longer to write these thoughts than think them.

We ended up speaking a bit more and I had to excuse myself.

As I stood up, fast, I walloped my head on a low hanging corner of our basement ceiling and I saw stars and tweetie birds and fell right the hell back down on my ass. Holy mother of God that hurt. I actually winced from pain when I touched it. I think I concussed myself as I was not hungry and nauseous the rest of the evening.

I took it as a clear sign – danger Will Robinson! Do NOT proceed.

I didn’t think of him again that evening. I passed out in pain by 9pm. Luckily, no real damage and I had a good nights sleep and woke with a nice fat raspberry on my head. Doh!

He had text last night and again early this morning. He wanted to meet me. We flirted a bit more.

I had an appt today and we had snow so I was relatively haphazard with my replies and not especially engaged. He sent photos of all his BDSM toys. He told me my friend never knew that side of him and we had covered more ground in our first conversations that they had in years. We made an agreement at that point never to discuss this with the friend. Ever.

First lie.

It was starting to feel all wrong. Not just because of my friend (mostly, though) but because he wasn’t right for me. This friend is not a top 10 friend, which is why I pause at all. We have a commonality and have known each other through our x husbands (the x husbands are best friends, so I’ve known her 24 years or so). I didn’t like her until we were both post divorce and found our own friendship in the last 2 years or so. She’s a good going out friend.

In other words, do I like her enough to care what she thinks of this guy turned out to be “the” guy for me?

There’s no way of knowing so soon. He definitely has me on a hook. I’m interested.

And when I thought about how I would feel if the tables are turned, I realized I probably couldn’t do it. I’ve done enough crap to generate bad karma lately and I don’t need to make more bad karma come my way.

I can’t decide if I tell him on the phone or in text, but I didn’t get to it yet. Either way, no matter how interesting and exciting I find him, he needs to be out in the rear view.

I better get to it before I give in to meeting him. Every step forward is a step in the wrong direction. The problem here is that the people I’ve told know I don’t truly “care” about this friend. She’s a fun social friend. So everyone is on the fence to say “why not?”

Hopefully today brings me the right energy to just text and say thanks but no thanks. I don’t know this man and it doesn’t matter. I’m making a whole story in my head over thing and it’s a skill I’ve refined that needs to stop.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

15 thoughts on “Girl Code 2”

  1. I’m glad you’re gonna pass up on this. If you need help finding another red flag, here’s one: when he tried to make you feel special by saying that you’ve forged a deeper understanding of him in a few days than he ever did in the years he knew your friend. Oh, M; playing favorites- this is such a classic narc move. We read all the time in the paper the pop psychology on how Trump ranks his kids- idolizes Ivanka, ignores Tiffany, etc, etc. I sense this here. And, yeah, asking you to hide this from your friend; as if that isn’t a big enough problem. That, alone, would put you back in deception land in a relationship. But, it’s the playing favorites that hit me hard, as I’ve fallen for that in a damaging way. I can’t trust anyone who ever tells me things within a few months of knowing me along the lines of “no one has understood me like you do.”

    Liked by 4 people

      1. (I’m Canadian, I don’t get quite as much Trump-o-vision if that is any excuse. I’m also too worried about him being a terrifying fascist with access to nuclear codes and the restraint of a toddler, so….)

        Liked by 1 person

  2. ^^^THAT. Plus, I’m confused – you said that he wasn’t right for you, and a couple of paragraphs later you said he had you on the hook and that you’re interested. Not that those two ideas are mutually exclusive, but the conflict of these two positions seems destined to be more trouble for you.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I’m going to step out against everyone else’s advice and say this: send your friend a text and let her know that you matched with this guy. And that you spoke at length and really seemed to hit it off. To the point where you generally felt the next step would be to meet in person. But then, he said something that made you put two and two together. And you realized in that moment, that he was THAT guy.

    Put the ball in her court and say, “I want to be respectful here and ask for your blessing to meet him for a drink. As you know, meeting anyone you click with gets harder and harder every day. So I am interested in seeing if this could go anywhere. But I don’t want any hurt feelings and ultimtiely, I want to do what’s right. Would you be OK with me meeting him?”

    You don’t win at life, unless you take risks. If you just walk away, you will never know if this could turn into something. Yes, there could be some red flags here but rather than jump the gun (he could have been nervous and superfluous in talking that long), maybe a face to face is in order? But seeing as you have turned a new leaf here, the best course of action is to get your friends blessing. You’ll be starting the relationship off on the right foot and keeping any drama from unfolding at least pertaining to that issue. Good luck!!

    Liked by 6 people

    1. Actually, I think that’s a great idea! You don’t owe it to the man to keep his promise to keep this secret from your friend. If you do tell her (and twocheatinghearts script is excellent), you give this man a chance to demonstrate his accountability. If he gets pissed that you told her and drops you, then you know that you have a deceitful man on your hands who was looking for an intense connection that he was probably going to compartmentalize and juggle with other ones, in secret. If that theory bodes, he’ll be deeply uncomfortable that you already know so much about him. You’ll had dodged a bullet! However, If he is fine with it, then that speaks well of him and his ability to be transparent. I also like twocheatinghearts proposal because you put yourself and your needs first.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Honesty is key. If he’s willing to lie to her, he’s willing to lie to you. It would have to come out eventually so he either intends it to be so casual you never have to worry about anyone knowing about you… and who wants to play those high school games. You’re looking for a grown up relationship…. and it sounds like this man gets off on stringing people along. Fair enough, your friend sounds like a knobhead, but he knew exactly what audience he was playing to, and you also have a bit of a penchant for falling for the promise. So. I think you should do two things- cut it off with him and continue to know you’re super worth your mettle. And two, tell her, and commiserate over how fucking charming he comes off, and say you understand her hang up.


  5. I agree with everyone. Tell her. You don’t even have to go so far as to say you are interested in him. I would keep it short and simple with her so she doesn’t freak out completely.

    “Hey, it’s a small world. I connected with this guy on [insert dating app] and we were talking. It came up in conversation that he is [insert his name]. I was stunned. He wants to meet for drinks, but I’m not comfortable with that unless you are OK with it.” Then STOP talking and listen to what she says. I want to bet that she is still his booty call/FWB or whatever.

    You come out looking like the Heroine because you: 1) stood by the Girl Code, so she can’t trash talk you to any mutual friends because you asked BEFORE not after 2) you are telling the truth and not hiding it.

    If he gets pissed off, then my question is what is he hiding? He’s asking you to keep a secret before you even meet? That’s a huge red flag for me. Also, his track record with your friend also speaks volumes. Maybe she wasn’t right for him, but why was he stringing her along? I know everyone’s relationship has its own quirks, but this smells fishy….

    Anyway, improve your Karma by telling her. Short and sweet, but tell her. Preferably face to face in a public place so you can run like crazy when she starts throwing shit. Good luck!!

    Liked by 7 people

      1. Indeed – if she is *still* holding out for him (not clear where things stood for her) then this could be a great wake-up call for you both! Nothing like airing things out in the sunshine!

        Liked by 2 people

  6. RUN AWAY NOW! Remember when your first impression of Tony was the correct one? And then he did the Walter Mitty act and you fell for his delusion? SAME HERE – your gut told you ‘you’re not the sub for him’ in the first instance….and you triggered his NPD… he had to have you. It’s such bad ‘50 shades’ territory I can’t tell you…. RUN AWAY!!!!!! 🚨

    Liked by 3 people

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