Girl Code

So my dating hiatus was up, I turned back on the apps and met someone cool pretty quickly.

We hit it off on the app, moved to text and the banter was flying. We agreed to a chat the next day.

He called me on the phone and we were off to the races. The conversation never slowed and my heart was racing….but this was primarily because he was SO high energy. Honestly, I started to think after the first hour of conversation I wouldn’t be able to keep up with him!

First of all, he was just about perfect on paper…but as he described himself and his life I can easily see how women would swoon over him.

He was a Dom in a previous period in his life. Before he even told me that, I knew. All the cues and signals were there. If you’re looking to be a sub, you would be thrilled with this guy. In my opinion, he knew his stuff. Thanks to the WordPress Community, I have read and learned enough about D/s relationships to understand what he was saying on a deeper level. He was clearly aware this type of history could scare a woman away so was careful in his wording, but I saw it for what it was.

A sort of strange thing happened – I felt myself disengaging from the conversation – I had been very interested in him, but knew I no longer sought a D/s relationship (had my experiences with that, took what I needed and moved on!). I didn’t feel he was trying to convince me, or even think that’s what he was looking for, but I need to be clear I wasn’t interested in the whole dynamic (he was explaining himself too much) so I interjected “I’m not the sub for you” with a short explanation….thinking , ok that’s the end of this guy….and actually got back a laugh!

That caught me off guard. But what caught me even more was his subsequent description of what I was really looking for in a dominant man. He hit my own description of myself on the head. I really wondered if he read my blog?! He totally gets what I needed from a relationship based on motherhood/work/previous relationships and I was floored. That was a first. Even Tony never understood what I meant by “dominant” even though he acted that way in relationship. “Take charge” could be more apropos but I have always used dominant because, somewhere in there, I like some of the kink that comes with D/s sexual play.

Once I said that the conversation took off (totally unexpected, thought I killed it for sure). At this point I looked at my phone because my ear pods died and realized we had been on the phone 1.5 hours. These long phone conversations are an investment on my part – I’ve done a few of them now and I love learning about people and it makes me eager for the date – but none have come to fruition. The thought occurred to me I may need to change this.

He kept talking. He’s a VERY high-powered and well-known executive. He’s super wealthy. Highly intelligent. Does the TED talks circuit. I was truly impressed with this man. Like, I want to meet you just to listen to you because I can probably learn soooo much from you.

But could I date you?

Interspersed with my thinking I’m not good enough to keep up with this guy, the jokes and laughter kept coming, interesting topics kept arising and we continued to speak. I did want to meet him but felt like I was never going to get over “I’m not good enough” coupled with “I can’t keep up”. He didn’t seem to think that – he kept telling me he liked our conversation and couldn’t believe how quickly time passed and how engaged he was. I felt, honestly, graced by the comment. “You like me? You really, really like me?”

Wow. Talk about inner turmoil.

And then, a funny thing happened on the way to planning the date, I mentioned a local friend. I described her as living close, similar age, two kids and divorced and owns her own business. He asked if it was a specific business in a specific town. Then he asked if I knew my friend by name.

Oh shit.

You’re THAT GUY.

You’re the guy this friend of mine has been desperately in love with for years. NOW I KNOW WHY. knowing this friend as I do, knowing her M.O. and personality, OMG, no wonder she’s held out for YOU – you were the cherry on top of her life and there was no way she was letting you slip away (for some of all the wrong reasons).

I felt the dawn of realization start in my brain like a physical sensation as all those thoughts raced through in millisecond succession. Then it went down my throat and landed in my stomach like a bad burritos needing to work its way back up and out.

But I liked you so much.

The phone had gone silent for what seemed like a minute as all this processed.

I blurted out loud “YOU’RE THAT GUY” (Actually his name, but not adding that in this post)

He didn’t even know what to say and that’s something considering the rapid pace at which he had been speaking.

We went through a couple of “wows” and talked about it a bit. He explained from his end, and his explanation matched what she told me, albeit through a different filter, and a filter that made much more sense to me knowing how she responds to situations. I’m not sure if ever perceived himself at being her “prize” but he wasn’t ready to build a life with her which is what she so desperately wanted from him.

To be continued….

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

7 thoughts on “Girl Code”

  1. Wow, what a coincidence! There’s lots I want to say but your next post might answer some of my questions. It can be really tricky when you find yourself bonding with someone a close friend still feels like they have a hold on. It brings up the Girl Code, indeed. If you do find yourself tempted to see where things go with this man, but are also concerned with how this might impact your friends feelings, also be very honest with yourself. Throughout your affairs, a voice told you that you were doing the wrong thing, but that voice wasn’t effective. You did what Madeline needed to do. No judgment. Many people told you not to tell Kelly, but you did, and now that you did it, maybe it is what you needed to do. This is a different situation in that (a) its way too early to know where things might go with this man (b) you have your own reservations about him (c) he isn’t married to your friend (d) you know the third party (the friend) personally and care about her. But, to me, there is an element here of a possible attraction to someone where there is a conflict of interest with a third party’s feelings, which might in a perverse way increase the stakes and the value of this potential relationship, along the lines that you so insightfully dissected a few pasts back (with regards to your attraction to taken men). It could be an interesting lab for you to work things out differently than in the past, or if you do fall into old patterns, of looking at them with eyes wide open. What would happen if you brought this up with your friend?

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  2. Wow, cue up the Disney earworm song: “It’s a small world”.

    Now, stop your limiting inner voice who is telling you that you aren’t good enough. You are.

    Also, I would suggest that you think about keeping these initial calls to 30 minutes. I think meeting in person should trump lots of texts and phone calls. That’s how you know if the guy is looking to date or if he gets his jollies from the texts/calls with no intention of meeting. JMHO

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  3. Oy. Wow. I don’t even know what to say about this! I want you to have chemistry. I don’t like that this guy is apparently capable of keeping this gal on the hook? Like… is she still pining and waiting on him and still occasionally in the rotation? Watch for the narc flags. He sounds tricky as hell, or super awesome.

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  4. Oh and btw- here is what I’m thinking as this post ends.

    …the universe is testing you. You made all these reassurances to your readers that you would never, ever engage in a relationship with a married man ever again. And the universe probably knows that you mean business. So now- it’s throwing you a curveball and mixing up the scenario. Only this time, its to see if you would break Girl Code and date someone who would be considered “off limits”, even if that friend never has a chance with this guy ever again. Where do your loyalties lie??? To her? Or will you say, “Fuck it!” and let Trixie come out again.

    The struggle is real…and the universe likes to play games once you start trying to fix your life. Like, it wants to suck you back in for another round of heartache again, under a different guise.

    hmmmm….so ya- that’s what my intuition is saying right now!!!

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