Why This and Not That?

Believe it or not I just finished 10 mins on the Peloton and 10 mins arms, made myself a protein shake and sitting down shaking my head.

How is it I can so adversely hate exercise that my brain can find a million reasons “not to” and I can’t seem to find that same thought when I want to reach out to Tony. It’s the same damn thought “don’t do it” and one actually has a positive outcome while the other has a negative outcome. I feel physically better following any exercise and, if I keep it up, I know I will appreciate the overall results of a toned body and better sleep. I certainly don’t have any of that when it comes to Tony!

Why am I programmed for all this negativity? It’s like I set myself up for more and more pain and don’t even try to help myself out of it. (Oh yes, I know, we’ve seen this bad behavior from me for years now).

What was the one trigger that got me off the couch today? As terrible as this sounds, I convinced myself I could get right back on it and sleep the day away if I just put in the 20 mins. I did it, made the shake and now sitting back on the couch.

Will it work tomorrow or the day after?

It’s not even 10:30 am and I’ve thrown in the towel for the day.

I do acknowledge that until a habit forms, I need to track. I wasn’t paying enough attention to the Keto eating and was over consuming calories and needed to track to ensure I was watching my macros. I haven’t worn my Fitbit in some time because I was tired of it reminding me I needed to move every hour! My brain was able to ignore it enough to say “don’t do it” and eventually remove it.

I am so angry at myself (for a moment, then it passes) for not investing in myself. I went to the trouble of having a surgery for chrissakes and all the pain I endured and I created an amazing foundation for myself, one that I haven’t had in years (being thin).

I read an article about obsession. Obsession drives us equally for better or worse. It’s what makes us successful and it’s what makes us invest in poor choices. People are obsessive about their career and health. Some about family or love. When we are obsessive in the wrong way (not letting go of something), it creates a problem. But when we are obsessive in the right way (staying on schedule, eating well, managing our families or careers) it actually fuels us to continue doing better. Clearly I have an obsessive compulsive disorder which is unhealthy in itself, but I have also used it to my advantage in the past. I don’t know why I can’t be obsessed with myself for a little while: eat well, be healthy and fit, and let go of Tony.

Strangely enough, the short communication with his wife settled me. I gave her enough affair specifics that proves our timeline so he can lie all he wants now. If she’s clever, she will ask the questions before giving up the information. I almost wish I had sent her our text string for a 6 month period. He could say anything he wanted but those text prove how he was leading me to believe there was a life for us. I hadn’t read those text in a long time because they hurt so badly. But, I sat and read all 4000 or so pages in that string. It brought back some really lovely memories and the pain of waiting. It was ok. I didn’t cry or breakdown. I just read. And I had some weird feeling of relief.

Someone mentioned the itch to speak to him is going to come back. I don’t know. When I made up my mind to end Bobby and sent my emails to Ann, I stopped. Somehow I stopped them and somehow I will stop now.

Like the saying “let go and let God.” I’ve given over what I had and it’s their marriage to manage. I don’t think I will hear from either of them ever again.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

10 thoughts on “Why This and Not That?”

  1. A couple of things. First, as we all know, its really hard to break bad habits (or form good ones). So be compassionate. A 20 minute workout is not chump-change. Better to do 20 minuets a day than 140 minutes once a week. About making change, its really hard for me unless I can viscerally and repeatedly feel the consequences of the bad habit or lack of good. I am pre-diabetic, and not surprisingly, I love sweets. The other day, there was a basket of high-end pastries within arms reach in the morning. I of course had one. The sugar crash 30 minutes later was horrendous. I felt like I had drunk a bottle of NyQuil. When I was in the middle of that, I kept telling myself, “Aha, see, this is why its a bad idea. This is the consequence. Feeling like this is lots of suffering. You know what to do if you don’t want to feel this way again,” and somehow, that has worked. So, Maybe when you are on the couch after a 20 minute workout, rather than beat yourself up, do a body scan and check into how relatively awesome your body might feel. And be kind to yourself for doing at least that much. Hell, maybe even cut your workouts back to 10 or 15 minutes at the beginning.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Two observations – saying you lack willpower? Go read that article I sent you about the mythology we create about / lies we tell ourselves.

        Second observation? Changing habits isn’t necessarily about willpower… it’s about recognizing the underlying cue / trigger and the “reward”… and then finding something else that can get you the reward that isn’t damaging to you.

        Xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha, we would be the life of the neighborhood!!

        Small things is what matters right now. They lead to bigger things. Trust me. I’ve been wearing workout gear all day because I’m sure it will get me outside to exercise. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t but at least I put it on!

        Liked by 1 person

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