Rear view

I wish I had some feeling, any feeling about the text I sent to Tony’s wife.

I have been drained since then, but not in the way I am normally emotionally drained. I haven’t had a period in 60 days now and I had awful cramps early in they day. Maybe this is from the polyps that need to be removed. Some of it is surely from the emotional disturbance but it’s not what I would normally experience.

The drugs are doing their part and, I suppose, I am further into excising him than I thought. I made it so he would never reach out to me again, killed all hope and crushed any reason to think he could remember us with anything except remorse.

I plan to take one more day to myself and then physically change what I’ve been doing. I did it and I’m moving on. She replied succinctly:

“Thank you for your concern for me however I think you need to be more concerned with whatever it is you are going through.

I really don’t need to hear anymore from you about this as I have known about this since last July when you texted me from a random phone number.”

Last July, while very drunk, I forwarded her a profile photo of him on a dating site. I never admitted it to anyone, but of course they had to know it was me.

He claims he told her it was a joke and she didn’t know anything. Based on his response to my text Tuesday, I tend to think her reply was gracious enough to tell me to shut up while pretending she knows more than she did. Or maybe she suspected he was lying. Either way, he did actually tell me he never told her about our affair or he made up a different version.

That’s all the time I am going to spend on it. I did what I say out to do, told her and made him regret ever meeting me.

The emptiness continues, but I’m forcing a change in myself immediately.

I am promising myself, and you, that this is the end of Tony. He is in the rest view mirror and I am moving on. If his wife can take pity on me, I need to take pity on myself.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

11 thoughts on “Rear view”

  1. Ok I will bite….

    How did she know you texted her from a random phone number? It could have been your real number for all she knew, right? Stating it was some random number infers she knew what your “real” number was back then. I think you need to reframe (and I know this will take a long time) how you look at Tony. I think he was lying to everyone: including you. And perhaps he threw you under the bus far long ago than you even understood. And chances are, he didn’t want to share that he had already told his wife everything in the hopes of rebuilding a new marriage with her. That’s what I’m putting my money on here. What my instinct says based on what you’ve shared.

    Moving forward is your best bet. I know it’s hard. Been there, done that. Got the t-shirt.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. She reached out and asked me for proof. I gave her text and email. She said she had no idea until July.

      And a year ago I did mistakenly dial her in a crazy turn of events on night. So he could have used that story for his purposes and killed 2 birds with one stone.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ok maybe I am being dense here. But I really don’t get why you contacted her this week then. If you already texted her back in July (and even sent her proof that he was on dating sites + text/emails), then you already told her. What was the point of contacting her and saying explicitly that you two had an affair? Wasn’t that understood from the communications you exchanged in July?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. If you felt you owed her this, all you can do is comply. I think the damage is done , now you are proving yourself and his lies, and I’m sorry he does deserve his bs to be called out one way or another. In the end she will make of it what she will but he is a monster and deserves this. I’m not saying what you did was right, but how dare he put ruining his relationship on you. He did that perfectly fine, if it weren’t you it would have been someone else.

    Liked by 2 people

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