Void

I realize that the text posts overlapped with my regularly scheduled writing about my resume. That could be confusing to wonder what state of mind I’m in if you were to read the posts in order. The text posts were in real time.

I got so close to *not* sending the text. I wrote a post. I stepped away. And then I just snapped.

The best way I can describe this would be like a metal door Sliding down in front of me, encasing me in a dark windowless, airless room. The room is absent of sound and light. I hit send and went about my way. No thought, no reaction, no remorse.

I went about my evening, admitted my guilt to my bff, and took some sleeping pills. I woke in the same state of apathy. My friend called and told me how disappointed she was and how she needed me to start digging in and doing the work on myself I clearly haven’t done since Mexico.

Thank you for all of your comments and input. I wish I had a better explanation for my actions.

I wish I felt more than I do. My friend said I should be prepared for the worst – for his anger or her anger now directing at me or my family. I don’t know “how” I prepare for what may come (or not).

I slept more than I should have today and just decided to take a mental and physical break. Sit on the couch and think.

Ann once said to me “I need to burn the bridges behind me” and that always stuck with me. I need to load them with gasoline and explosives and toss a match. I leave behind the wreckage that I myself have become. I wish I understood this deep, dark desire to “do unto others” because I acknowledge it’s horrible. This is worse than a child throwing a tantrum.

I haven’t tried prayer and that seems to be the one thing I should try. To pray to a higher power for patience, kindness and forgiveness. For the ability to believe in myself and control my impulsivity. I need to find faith in myself, in a higher power, in anything because I’ve lost my way entirely.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

6 thoughts on “Void”

  1. Thinking about Ann’s comment; it’s apt. What comes to mind is that if she’s right, if you agree, then while the whole torching-strategy may effectively remove the external issues from your life, it does not similarly torch the parts inside of you that co-author these situations. That part of you is like the spy in disguise who slips out of the situation with an explosion behind her, all the more ready to repeat that same pattern again and again and again somewhere else… Casablanca? Toronto? Buenos Aires? This time in disguise as the maid? The barista? The CEO? Each time, you distance yourself further from yourself. This might be what feels so numb. On the other hand, I think back to a much less destructive time in my past. I had been mourning a partner who had left me (messily) for the better part of a year. I was burning with curiosity about what that ex was up to. One morning at 6 AM I jumped in my car and drove by their apartment. I saw the car of the “old college friend” of theirs whom I had suspected they might be seeing (they couldn’t tell me for fear of hurting my feelings, but we were still in close enough contact that I knew they were fraternizing with the friend). Seeing that car confirmed everything. I thought that I was going to break down into a million pieces, but instead I laughed. I drove home. I realized in that moment that the mourning I had done had run it’s course. Maybe I was ready to move on. And I was. And I did. I had been driving myself nuts needing some kind of closure which my ex wouldn’t give me. I got it. So, maybe your work-spurt in the previous post is not coincidental. But the difference between my situation and yours was I did not disrupt my ex’s life to move on. Not judging, but my situation allowed me to fully disengage, whereas you might have at least temporarily pulled yourself back in deep. Good luck navigating all that. You don’t have to be kind to Tony, but if you can be at least compassionate towards Kelly should you interact with her again, please try. This is a bridge you have yet to cross, but if she comes to you for information, I’d recommend refusing, saying that she needs to get that from Tony.

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    1. I’d also recommend living your life each day, each minute, as if you’ve heard the last from them. Then, watch with curiosity that part of yourself, Trixie, who sent Kelly the text to keep herself involved in the Tony-drama. Trixie wants and needs so much attention, she’d rather have negative, humiliating, degrading, injurious attention than none at all. Why? Why does Trixie need this so badly? Really talk to Trixie like she is a little girl. Talk out loud to her. Be the adult in the room. Now, if Tony/Kelly do engage or retaliate, that’s a different story. I hope that you can enlist someone to be the adult in the room for you should this happen.

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      1. I would also strongly recommend that you read W. Somerset Maugham’s “The Painted Veil.” If reading that is daunting, watch the excellent movie version from a few years ago with Edward Norton and Naomi Watts. The Naomi Watts character is in exactly your position, and throughout the movie, she has a series of experiences that forces her to come to terms with herself. You can’t exactly follow in her footsteps, but its a taste of exactly how hard the work is to strip yourself to your core to change the old, old wiring that has run your life thus far.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Really that’s easy, my ex husband does this too, I am one of the very few things from his past that isn’t burned to ash, and that’s because you can’t kill the devil…..anyway, when something hurts, but you can’t let go, if you destroy it beyond recognition you can’t go back. She knows, without a doubt she can’t go back now. Some people are just that way. Armies could defeat an enemy and for extra measure burn the rest of what remained to the ground, they could have a fresh start with no remainder of what they destroyed. If only the mind worked the same way.

        I think my ex husband is haunted, I’d wager M is too.

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