Complete Break from Reality

It’s my own fault. There is a dark, dark part of me – even beyond Trixie’s antics – that comes out.

I sent the text because I was mad at him for blaming me for attacking his marriage. And then he blamed me for attacking his family and it was more than I could bear. I didn’t even know what he was talking about.

Whatever happened and whenever, it’s my fault. I even told him it was my fault so he would calm down. But he kept attacking and spewing hate. I thought just admitting guilt would make a difference. It didn’t.

I popped.

I hit send:

Hello Kelly,

I am sorry in advance for the disruption this text will cause.  

I am writing because I had an affair with your husband for approximately 2 years from 6/16 – 4/18.  

I have tried to avoid contacting you, but have realized I needed to do this for myself. We fell in love and when he decided to stay in your marriage, we were both unable to let go for a time and then, ultimately, I was the one who couldn’t let go. I have been suffering a deep depression which led to harming myself.  

It is up to Tony to honestly explain to you what he’s done throughout your marriage, and who knows about it. Tony will downplay what happened between us because he is so angry with me, but you should be aware of what happened.

I then blocked their numbers and went out.

I’m unsure how he got through, I could see it was blocked but maybe because I didn’t block on iPad as well?

He called me an asshole and a coward (ripe coming from the ultimate coward, eh?)

I don’t feel ANYTHING.

No anger, hatred or relief. Simply nothing at all. Zero.

I wish I felt worse about hurting her. But she was never a real person in my mind so maybe that’s how it worked when I snapped.

It was an entire absence of thought.

I called my bff and admitted the truth and she loved me anyway but I know how disappointed she is.

She said I should prepare for the worst. I admit I didn’t see his crazy anger as coming at me, but now I can see that a threat to his family could cause this.

I hate this emptiness and nothingness. I feel nothing while another family is breaking down due to my hand.

I haven’t learned enough. I don’t have enough compassion or healing despite all I’ve been through. I’m not worthy of anything if I can’t even get letting go right.

I want to feel bad for her (not him) but I feel empty.

Why do I feel the need to create so much drama? Why can’t I let things be?

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

10 thoughts on “Complete Break from Reality”

  1. I love you and I am disappointed. I also know that there are some things that unless we do the really hard work of looking at ourselves, harder than you have done, there are just some things like this that are destined to happen no matter how much we logically tell ourselves we shouldn’t, no matter how much sense it makes when our friends tell us we shouldn’t. I guess this was one of those things that you were just going to do. Time will show if the aftermath from this will either release you from this hell, or will get you to finally see *what* it is that you have to do for *yourself* to avoid these kinds of relationships and blowups again. To me, it seems like you are crying for help. The thing is, no one out there is going to help you until you are first ready to help yourself. I love you, M.

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  2. Of course, I’m sorry (but not surprised) you sent it. In a weird way, I think you needed to, to release all your hurt and anger, and now maybe you can begin the true and honest work of self-healing. Because now there’s nothing at all left for you with Tony and his issues.

    Don’t be hard on yourself now the deed is done. Continue moving forward toward positivity and your new life. You are worth so much more than the dregs of a failed relationship.

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  3. I’m not disappointed at all…I understand the urge to send the letter. But I am worried about you. I want you to be able to find peace and healing and move forward from this. It is SO hard to move forward. Don’t dwell on not feeling sorry for disrupting her life. He will beg for forgiveness, she will forgive him. He is the one who broke their vows and is a cheater. Not your worry any longer. Focus on yourself and getting better and stronger. I’m just sad that this contact and drama is going to take awhile to settle down from. The urges to reach out to him will come again and hopefully you can break this cycle of making contact. I know it’s hard. It took me ages to get over my affair partner but it can happen. I just keep wishing peace for you.

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  4. Aw, M, (insert a sigh). My heart goes out to you. I think all the other comments nailed it. That text was going out one way or another at some point. What I find interesting is that you are surprised to feel….nothing, emptiness. Perhaps you were wanting to send that text to Kelly so you could have a surge of emotion yourself. Now you didn’t get that emotional high and you are left right where you were before you sent it.

    I hope that chapter is now more firmly closed. It’s time for you to look forward, not backward. Time for the sparkling, amazing Madeline to come forward. Go put some clothes on and take a walk. Be outside, no matter how cold it is, the fresh air will clear your head. Hugs to you.

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  5. Honestly, it was time for it to come out. You had been threatening and teetering on telling, maybe now you can close that chapter and begin your moving on or maybe you will still be “stuck” in this lost state of mind, but whats done is done. There is no more threatening it – its out. Onwards and upwards.

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