In The Chem Lab – Part 1

On the subject of Chemistry…

As I’ve been noodling over chemistry from my last post and really trying to understand what I loved too much about what Tony gave to me…a funny thing happened.

I found it.

This time, maybe because I was in such an aware state of mind, I had a more literal sensation of how and why it was happening and I learned something.

Before jumping to the end of the story where I tell you about the magic man I just met, we have to start at the beginning.

Forgive me for a long post or two as I analyze what’s going on. I know things can’t be concluded by what I’ve just experienced but it was truly enlightening for me to have such a primal awareness of what creates the elusive chemistry for me.

My bff was over on Friday, as we do each week now for a weekly brain dump. We had been talking about Matthew (see yesterday’s post) and she asked “how hard is it to find a good guy?” I’m trying to encourage her to think about dating (she’s not ready although 4 years a widow) so I share Bumble with her to better explain how internet dating works.

I don’t think it’s about finding a good guy – that’s almost too simple of a way to think of it. I think Matthew is a good guy. Rob was a good guy. They are just not my guys. People who don’t use the dating apps don’t realize what type of time investment we make to find a decent match. It’s not the simple act of swiping right and connecting with a good guy. Then you have to invest a little time in sussing out what you both want and who you are. Could be in the app, over text or phone – but the action to even determine if you found a good guy is a bit like a job, you need to work to figure it out. Sometimes it’s easy you realize they are wrong (no matter how cute!) quickly. Sometimes it’s less obvious, like Matthew and Rob. Either way, you make a lot of connections with who you have to assume has good intent and start there.

And all that is AFTER you swipe right! Lol.

I wanted to show her how it starts and what I look for. So we looked at the app together and I made some quick judgement calls: lives too far away, not educated, physically not my type, socio-economically not my type, not tall enough etc. I have my particular go-to’s for making a right swipe. So I made mostly left swipes and one right swipe. Matched instantly. Show her how to go back, better review my choice and decide if I would write a quick message.

In this case, he looked like a great choice from his photos and short profile blurb so I sent a very quick message, sure to include a question so he has reason to reply, and send it off.

She gave up hope at that point because she thought it was too much work. It is work. And sometimes frustrating work. But when you invest in anything it’s supposed to give results. Dating sometimes doesn’t give good results because it’s more like gambling in my opinion. You win some you lose more! Dating fortitude should have its own definition in the dictionary. There should be dating support groups. Realistic dating coaches (not the ones they advertise to find your Harvard grad billionaire)

Until you find ONE hopeful. And your faith in humanity is restored.

I’ve been happy with my dating since December. Rob and Matthew and even psycho Brian all taught me something I can take forward and refine. They helped me immensely by realizing parts of the Tony Magic can be recreated. The trick with Tony Magic is the whole package phenomenon (minus his being married, of course). I have taken time to analyze past relationships before, but not while in depression and physical recovery. My mind is pretty much a blank slate at the moment and it’s making my prior poor relationship choices become more obvious. I’m less willing to be hurt so badly again – which means I must stop myself before I get too deep. There is no alternative for me, it’s how I’m built. I need to invest in my own self-awareness sooner and listen to my gut. I suppose, in other words, with so little on my mind, I am paying better attention to making good dating choices.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

6 thoughts on “In The Chem Lab – Part 1”

  1. I’m glad you found my ‘no fucks to give’ comment helpful :P.

    A thought on this. My memory is terrible, so less ‘a thought’ and more a question.

    Chemistry is SO a thing, I’m with you there. You wax lyrical about Tony and the chemistry and lightning bolts, and it’s obvious why, but in my mind your starting point went like this:

    “He really liked me, he was ‘meh’, ok I guess”
    “Look he seems nice, but I’m not really feeling it”
    “We slept together. It… wasn’t great… eh”

    That is, in my recollection, there was pretty much nothing there at the start from your side. He bowled you over with persistence and attention and from your side your attraction grew slowly. You were not at all blown away by him like ‘boom!’, instead you were drawn in over time.

    My point being: IF my recollection is right (seriously, appalling memory), dismissing genuinely good, attractive men because ‘no chemistry’ at the first few dates might be reacting to how you THINK it works, and perhaps not how you found yourself in love previously.

    Am I mistaken in my recollection of how that went?


    (also dude who did the flash of anger was 100% NOT a good man: I know you know that, but yeah the niggle needs to STFU)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lol, nope, you have a great memory but shaded by all my self talk of “I shouldn’t even though I’m loving every minute of it”. Tony was the first one I stopped blogging the total truth about in real time because I knew how wrong I was continuing. But we hit it off immediately. I reread all my early posts and can see where I was hedging my bets with Tony. Something I shouldn’t do in my private blog space if I really want to hold Myself accountable.

      Quote from one of my first posts: “We have a fantastic repartee. He is so easy to talk to and he fills all my down time with chatter and calls. He is in constant communication. I fed the limerence and gave him something he hadn’t felt in many, many years – a crush.  I felt treasured and adored in return. “.

      There you go – he fed me when I was hungry and even when I felt “meh” it was more about trying to let myself go down the married path again – I was talking myself out of him. And I definitely wasn’t being honest with myself. I said the words and just kept doing what I know was wrong because it felt so good.

      In the beginning I also played my best game knowing he was married – and therefore I had nothing to lose. That’s what struck me with this man, he was available and I still played my best game naturally. Matthew makes me feel like I’m working to make a connection.

      I’m not giving up Matthew until we can have some sincere alone time and just be together for a period of time. He’s a good man and I can feel it, and not about to throw that away.

      I sort of meandered there but you aren’t wrong, you memory is pretty accurate. And I agree (you will see in upcoming post) that perhaps I’ve been conditioned to dating married men and have preconceived notions of how it goes.


  2. I love that you’re going through some of this. It’s great that you’re digging in to learn about yourself a bit. And nice that you’re helping your besty. She may never feel ready, she may need to start dating before she feels ‘ready’. Losing someone is different than choosing to lose someone.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. She had a very tough marriage and was highly controlled and therefore unhappy. She equates relationship with loss of freedom. While she misses her husbands good qualities (like loyalty and laughter) she is free from his oppression and afraid it will happen again.


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