What Makes Chemistry?

Ya, I know no one really has the answer to that. It’s different for all of us. It’s been on my mind quite a bit lately.

I met Matthew about 2 weeks ago, everything looked great on paper. Conversation on the phone was good and then we met for a drink and dinner. He was what I expected. We had a lovely time. Matthew is kind, handsome, generous, single, a good father and has a great job. But something was lacking. He said a few times his friends found him so funny but I didn’t get that from him. He was also the type of parent that was judgmental (my sweet boy doesn’t do THAT!). That irks me a bit. And there is something effeminate about him which I can’t quite put my finger on.

Today, as I was telling my best friend,she noticed I was making faces when I spoke about him. She concluded I wasn’t into him enough and should end it. I even felt the same writing this post. He’s not for me, but he would be good for me. What I’ve done so far hasn’t worked so I am consciously trying something different.

However, I’m not getting over whatever is lacking in chemistry to actually experience the good stuff.

Matt has already asked me out for valentines (I declined as I already have plans with my bff). He’s brought me flowers. He texts and calls every day. He is consistent and kind. He wants a full, communicative relationship. He never crosses any lines sexually but asks just enough that it’s appropriate. He loves to hold my hand, pay attention and kiss me. He is a good listener. He’s a fabulous kisser.

Like I said, pretty much everything I have been looking for, especially in the attention department.

But…I’ve been up nights with Tony on my mind since I’ve met Matthew. Something in my subconscious is working overtime. What is it? Is the red flag there and buried? Am I trying to get to a grain of truth I’m not seeing?

I vowed to give him another shot – a date outside of a restaurant/bar and spending more quality time together. I am attracted to him. He would be kind and considerate of my medical history, depression and scars.

I don’t have any butterflies with Matthew, but I didn’t have them immediately with Rob either. It wasn’t until I brought Rob to my family party that I got excited about him, but that was more about finally feeling human again and loving how he just “fit in” so easily. Rob wasn’t where I needed a man to be intellectually….he wasn’t a dumb guy, but when I say intellectually here’s what I mean –

Taken from an article on Bustle:

“Intellectual compatibility is when both people are mentally stimulated by the same conversations,” relationship coach and expert, Jenna Ponaman, CPC, tells Bustle. This doesn’t necessarily mean you both need to have the same IQ level. It simply means that you both have the capacity to indulge in deep conversations that become mutually interesting for the two of you. 

According to Ponaman, this is important to have because it will shed a light on how compatible you are in other areas of your relationship. “For example one person may be sexually compatible with their partner, but if they don’t find them interesting on a more intellectual level, the ability to make this a thriving lasting serious relationship is slim,” she says. In other words, it’s really hard to make a relationship last if you and your partner have nothing to talk about.”

I didn’t have enough to talk about with Rob that engaged us both enough to continue. Sure he was SUPER handsome, kind, generous and HOT, but we were not on the same page.

As I wrote that – and after the conversation with my friend today – I realize I have to tell Matthew it’s a no go. I thought we were intellectually compatible but I realize when he’s talking I get bored super quick. And I’m not laughing.

Oh I hate this part but the less time I waste the better. And to coin Ferns phrase, it’s good when I give no fucks. I make better decisions.

Blog posts where I answer my own questions are the best!

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

7 thoughts on “What Makes Chemistry?”

  1. That’s why I enjoy blogging…it lets me suss out what’s going on in my head. Somehow putting fingers to the keyboard really opens my mind up. What you are writing here makes so much sense. I find that I am borderline with the Hunter in this area and it’s something that nags me at the back of my mind…. You are smart to recognize this now and not later…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am not surprised you wrote that about Hunter as it’s come across many times in your writing.

      I don’t think one thing only defines the make and break of a relationship but when it’s a foundational thing – it’s definitely something that creates a nagging feeling.

      I think when it’s something you can identify once IN a relationship you can both strive to change or repair. You made it this far….much different than feeling it before I even get started! You have an investment!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. True, but I think my point to you is learn from my mistake. I wasn’t patient and grabbed the first guy who checked some of my boxes. Dan Savage always says there isn’t the One, you just need to round your .75 or whatever up. I kept that in mind and rounded up but did I round up from .55 versus .80? Time will tell…

        Liked by 1 person

  2. What if you planned an adventurous date kind of thing? Something you’ve never done. Something that would level the playing field between you two- to practically nil. From there, evaluate whether or not you can have fun with this guy. Some relationships start off with intense chemistry, some with intense friendship and some a slow burn until the fire erupts. Before throwing him completely out of the mix, I would double check and see if this is someone you could have some crazy, fun, adventures with….and maybe, just maybe- your perspective may change.

    Life is about experiences. Some of the most rewarding ones go beyond those initial magnetic sparks. Good luck!! And keep us posted :-))

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think you are 100% right – I don’t think he can quite come off my list yet…..unfortunately, my mind is already working against him and he’s getting annoying to me…trying to do the right thing and not jump overboard too quickly !

      Liked by 1 person

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