Relationship Requirements – Refresh

*Note my original list was published in 2016 (I even included original comments) and I adjusted it today with some comments as I have been mulling over “Tony’s Magic”

I spent a lot of time compiling a list of all the “requirements” I had for the perfect mate.

Needless to say, my list was long. I realize this list is ridiculously long, but I truly can’t find an edit option.

1. A man who can think for himself
2. Strong shoulders (not in the physical sense though this is my favorite physical attribute)
3. Trust
4. Honesty
5. Respect
6. Calm communicator/great listener/sound advice giver (challenges me)
7. Not a complainer
8. Handsome and tall, generally I don’t like bald
9. Sexy and sexual
10. Intelligent and well-educated
11. Above 44 and under 55
12. Interested in me, responsive, caring
13. Witty sense of humour, can elicit belly laughs from me including in bed; gentle teasing and banter in both directions
14. Dominant
15. Gracious
16. Emotional generosity
17. Kind
18. Solid career/ambition/white-collar/makes money

19. Wants to spend his money, doesn’t worry about it all the time – definitely NOT cheap
20. Has traveled and has a desire to see the world, even better if they are more well-traveled than me.

21.  Puts me on a pedestal and is the wind beneath my wings – I know he loves and adores me

In addition to my own criteria, there is an article out there called “18 qualities every alpha female needs in a boyfriend” and you can see √ where most of these cross over to my list above:

  1. He someone you can tease and can tease you
  2. He challenges you
  3. He doesn’t get jealous
  4. He isn’t waiting on you but has his own plans
  5. He doesn’t air your dirty laundry
  6. He knows how to deal with your bad moods
  7. When he apologizes he really means it
  8. He’s moving at the same speed as you
  9. He doesn’t belittle you but he doesn’t put you on a pedestal either (don’t agree with the way this is worded, I want someone to hold up my pedestal!)
  10. He is someone who teaches but never lectures
  11. He makes you laugh
  12. He will call you out when you need to be called out
  13. He wants to be the wind beneath your wings (I call this holding my pedal steady)
  14. He isn’t the life of the party but is always there is you need to be carried home (don’t agree with this, I like the life of a party)
  15. His opinions aren’t irrational they are backed up
  16. He has dreams as big as yours (this isn’t hard as I don’t really have specific dreams)
  17. He knows when to drop it and when to address it
  18. He is a great listener but also expects to be heard

So when I looked at these two long lists again, I didn’t find anything that needed to be removed that was originally part of what I deemed important in a relationship, but I did adjust a few very minutely.  I could add more after Tony, but the goal isn’t to recreate Tony.

I think I have to add ONE I can’t seem to get right:

Must be single

So, why do I now say “Tonys Magic?”  Because, other than not being married, that bastard managed to hit every one of those things plus others I didn’t even know I cared so deeply about (like his ability to be such a good father that I learned from him and trusted in his parenting skills).

The hard truth is – I am deathly afraid I can never have that magic again.

What I need to reconcile is – maybe I DON’T ever – maybe he was THE ONE.  That sucks, but perhaps its the truth.  Either way, if its true or not, I can’t have him, he doesn’t want me and I must move on.  Period.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

9 thoughts on “Relationship Requirements – Refresh”

  1. My beautiful and wise mentor suggested my relationship with my Mr Unavailable is a coping and self protection thing, following my difficult marriage. My list is very similar to yours and he does tick them….except #21. Maybe my mentor had a point.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I don’t even know what I would suggest taking off that list at all. It covers everything nicely.

    I wonder if the whole “married man” thing has to do with the fact that this still makes the situation a challenge for you. A guy who is amazing but incredibly into you and is single really isn’t a challenge. BUT a guy who is amazing, totally into you….and is a major challenge. PLUS there is the added security of not having to commit too much yourself because you can’t. This type of relationship is safe yet dangerous at the same time.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Sassy. I tried a few times to at least pull out the dealbreakers and I always seem to get stuck!

      Sometimes I do wonder if the whole married thing is a reflection on my own inability to commit now….I wonder.


  3. The one doesn’t exist. Did you know we didn’t marry for love until the mid 1800s? I feel like my husband is the one. I love him immensely. I don’t want anyone else. If he left or died or I left it would devastate me, but eventually I would move on and so would he.

    Pretend Tony is dead. He loved you deeply and you him. In that moment he was the one. He is gone now he wants you to move on and you need to. Mourn, take your time, of you feel ready to move on, move on. He was the one at that moment and that is ok. And you know what, he may have been a coward, but you were his one then too. He needed you. But he already promised to be someonear else’s one and worked that out to make it work and in that moment, your Tony died.

    Tony may have been your soul mate, but you have more than one and they aren’t always romantic…or even someone meant to stay. They are there to change your very soul, to make you feel something to your core. Maybe in a different life you guys were forever, maybe in the next one.

    My mother is a widow. She unfortunately dated a conman and it kept her from dating for a good 8 years. But she did meet another and in that moment, he was the one and she deeply loved my father. She has hope there is another one for her silver years.

    Don’t force anything, but also don’t sell something short because they aren’t the one. They don’t have to be. Just have fun, if it’s not fun, just stop. This shouldn’t be a chore.

    The list is great, but at first you didn’t feel chemistry with Tony. Just keep in mind this list is a great thing to live up to IDEALLY but if there soul and your soul are meant to meet, nothing else in that moment will matter.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Everything you say is true and believe me I try to think about him being dead and impossible to contact. I also believe soul mates can come and go, I just have to get over him – and my mind and heart are stuck in cement.

      I actually had immediate chemistry with Tony on the phone and our meeting. I kept interesting my better thoughts of “I don’t really like him that much because he’s married” and that’s what came across in my blog posts. I was fooling myself and everyone trying to convince myself he was “meh” while I was undeniable hungry for what he was feeding me.


Leave a Reply to Madeline Harper Cancel reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: