I know all the right things to do. I know not to contact Tony’s wife. Some days the right reasons don’t matter and that’s the part I strive to understand about myself.
My therapist basically said “let go and let God.” “Vengeance is mine, said the Lord.”
I did read everyone’s comments and digest them. Thank you. I just didn’t have any energy to address each one. When you know you want to do something wrong, it’s hard to listen to people who care about you telling you to behave differently.
Why do I have to hurt him? It doesn’t even make sense to me. Isn’t it bad enough I’m in such pain? Why hurt another family?
I suppose what struck me this time was the fact that I don’t know what Pandora’s box I am opening by telling her. She could be as nuts as Trixie for all I really know. Or, even if she’s not, maybe one of her friends are. I may experience the release of anger temporarily, but I could end up doing even more damage to myself and I’m not well enough to manage any more damage. I heard that from you loud and clear.
But the feeling of wanting to out him is strong.
So strong I reached out to him instead. Which is just as bad. He hasn’t answered me so now I’m obsessing. The trick is not to fall back into compulsion to force him into communication with me. He is doing the right thing for both of us. Something I can’t seem to do.
My head is still not screwed on. For any step forward I fall back, way back. I feel lifeless and empty. Trying to fill this void is overwhelming.
I know this comes down to simple math: he gave me something I never had and I can’t see past that. But I know there is no choice than to move forward and put him behind me.
I don’t even mention this to my support system anymore because I’m so embarrassed. I can’t afford the therapist as I’ve been out of work too long.
I’m just worried I’m sliding too far back. I’m worried it all feels like to much for me again.
Madeline Harper 
It’s an innate desire for all people to be heard. And when people are hurting, it’s conceivable that you want to communicate those feelings and try to work through them. This is where the standard “no-contact” idea really fails. Because that’s not how humans truly work through adverse situations. Because this relationship shut down- and because of the lies and deceit- you feel a deep drive to let everything out. Reaching out to her will never fix your hurt, or your desire to be “heard”. It will fall on deaf ears and never truly give you the peace and reconciliation you desire in your heart. You have to pick up the pieces and move on. It’s not easy. I know, I’ve been there. You have to refocus your energies on creating a new chapter in your life. There is joy and happiness that can be yours- but it requires moving forward and letting go of the past. xx
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As someone who struggles with depression, I know about this ultimate irony. As much as we intellectually know that engaging in positive thought is just better for our well-being than engaging in negative thought, when you’re in the thick of it, there is just something so much more compelling about remaining with the negative, about pulling it up and around yourself like the thickest and heaviest of comforters and letting it trap you. If I knew why this was the case, I’d sell my thoughts and would be a billionaire. When you are locked in this kind of negative thought, can you do a quick check-in with the basics? Can you get up from where you are sitting or lying down? Turn on some music? Wiggle your hips? Have a glass of water? A ripe piece of fruit? (Whatever portions your body says is right). Go outside? Just something to pull the needle off the groove of the broken record.
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You are an amazing writer and I love the simile and metaphor you use above! I am trying to do just that …. I am trying every day.
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Was this comment for me- or Madeline?
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You are absolutely right. I really just want this deep desire to disappear. It’s so strongly rooted it’s frightening
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It’s hard. I wish I didn’t understand this. I’m a petty bitch. You hurt me I want you to feel the pain too. Then I regret I hurtingredients the person I love most in the world.
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Morava – yes! I am afraid that I will end up replacing the desire to hurt with the feeling of regret. I don’t want that. I have already damaged his opinion of me beyond belief.
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Let Karma do your dirty work. Stay strong.
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I’m an truly trying. And I want to believe in Karma
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