I Decided – Trixie Post

*Written last week

I made up my mind. I have decided to contact Tony’s wife. I have been reading and reading like crazy so many opinions about do/don’t contact and why.

And I finally decided I am never going to be at peace until she hears the truth. I asked him many months ago, before I had my breakdown, to tell her. He promised he would. This was the only way I could avoid having this obsessive need to tell her myself.

He didn’t.

Here’s my email to her:

Hello Kelly,
I am sorry in advance for the disruption this email will cause.  
I am writing because I had an affair with your husband for approximately 2 years from 6/16 – 4/18.  
I have tried to avoid contacting you, but have realized I needed to do this for myself. We fell in love and when he decided to stay in your marriage, we were both unable to let go for a time and then, ultimately, I was the one who couldn’t let go. I have been suffering a deep depression which led to harming myself.  
I needed to finally stop hoping one day he might change his mind and just give you the facts about Tony.  
It is up to Tony to honestly explain to you what he’s done throughout your marriage, and who knows about it. I can provide any proof you need from me but thought keeping this email to the point was best.   
Madeline

If you are curious what changed my mind it was this website:

https://www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2016/10/05/should-i-tell-his-wife/

And a website called Chump Lady.

*written today

I guess I hadn’t decided because something is stopping me from sending it – and believe me that send button has been under my thumb more than once this week.

I’m just sitting on it. Perhaps the feeling will pass. Perhaps it won’t.

I realize there is no gain from this text to his wife. I try to keep mulling over in my head why I feel so strongly about outing him. I know part of it stems from pure rage that he gets to live his life free and clear after 20 years of continued cheating and the wreckage he left of me.

Then I think: who cares.

If I could surgically remove these thoughts and feelings of him I would opt to at this point. I would even go back to Mexico! (Not ever!)

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

25 thoughts on “I Decided – Trixie Post”

  1. Do what you feel is best for you. I would take the last part boutique proof out and never speak to her again, even block her. She will have nothing nice to say and you will get all the rage. You told her barefacts that are your buiness. She can choose to believe him or she won’t. In her gut she already knows. It will force reall healing in their marriage or break it, but that is no longer your business.

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  2. Right now, out of the three of you, there are two broken people and one who is thus far spared from too much injury. Sending this email will result in three broken people. it will not help you heal. It will pull you back into contact with Tony, and now Kelly. This will set you way, way back. It will create a confrontation that will not only injure you, but will injure your kids because you will be so totally broken again. You have the direct power to fix one of the broken people on this stage, and that is yourself. It is not an easy fix, but you are doing it. In your epilogue there, you are honest about how you are mentally still wrapped up in this. Yeah, you can’t just turn that off. You won’t know you are over him until you wake up one day 6 months, 6 years from now and realize, “I haven’t thought about him in a good long time.” But, you can’t see it coming. You can’t force it. You certainly can’t douse gasoline on it, light and throw the match, and expect *that* to cleave you from him and from them, because you will have the culpability of the injury you have caused by sending this letter on your hands. The only way to free yourself is to walk away with your head held up high, and if you do turn around and look back, to not have that affect either of them. Please, M. Don’t sent it.

    Liked by 5 people

  3. I read somewhere that writing such a letter – but not sending it – is helpful to get some things that’re bothering you out of your system. I’ve also heard of people writing such a letter… and sending it and, I guess, feeling that honesty is the best policy… then found themselves in the middle of a horribly messy divorce and, in one instance, someone was actually charged and tried as an adulteress and publicly outed as such.

    I know it’s illegal… didn’t know it was still a enforceable offense here in the US but ya learn something every day.

    I agree with the others: Don’t do it. I understand that you have a bad case of “Tony on the brain” but with everything else you’ve been dealing with, it serves no real purpose to rat him out and find yourself caught in the middle of what’ll happen.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. It’s great you wrote it… but don’t send it. Take the high road and move on with your life. It’s over. You don’t need to be pulled back into this drama.

    From an outsider’s perspective, I found your choice of words in your letter very interesting. You say to her that you’re doing it for yourself. WHY? What will this accomplish? And why should she care about what you want? Do you want her to divorce Tony so you can have him back? Would he even go back to you if he found himself single again? And… would you take him back?

    You also say, “…when he decided to stay in your marriage….” OK, so this is a semantics issue because it’s not technically incorrect…but I think it’s safer to say it’s Tony’s marriage. Saying it’s her marriage implies he’s a helpless 3rd party, that he doesn’t want it, and that he’s staying in it for her. Maybe that was your intention? He made the choice to stay for himself. Maybe for his kids, too. But not for her.

    Sending this will bring bad juju and open a vortex of ugliness. Please don’t do it!

    I am terribly sorry that you still feel so torn up about this but it’s best to focus that elsewhere. ❤

    Liked by 4 people

  5. As a cheated on wife, I can tell you I would have rather known. But she doesn’t want to hear about, and you telling her about your pain will fall on deaf ears. To her, you will be another woman who put her needs to get off above the woman code of chicks before dicks. If she knows, and she probably knows at least something… she either has chosen to put up with it, or has been given minute info downplayed by tony.

    Here’s how you can do it well, in my opinion.

    1) take all of your feelings out of it. If it’s about making sure she knows, really make it about informing her, not sharing your pain and try to commiserate that Tony wronged both of you or what not. ‘Tony had an affair with at least one woman in this time frame, her name is Xxxx Xxxx’

    2) Send the letter through the mail. Less traceable. Include a detail or two about his body that’s irrefutable

    3) refer her to chump lady. They will welcome her. And tell her what to do to rebuild without the asshole.

    I get you’re damaged and hurt. I don’t understand why you want a man who so obviously doesn’t care about either of you. Not really. He wants the wife appliance to keep things pretty and decent and then he wants his saucy feisty lover … If you read any of chump lady, you really need to get that… this is seriously right up the normal alley… I dunno. I feel for you. You deserve to know that you’re worth sooo much. So much.

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      1. So… just curious- how did you legitimise the choice. How, knowing what it was like, did you feel like it was ok? Or was it somehow revenge on a part of you that you hated? I’m trying to understand the psychology of the choice…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The choice to be in an affair, you mean? I didn’t legitimize it, I didn’t think about it — as if that part of his life couldn’t exist in order for me to be with him. Deluded myself into believing he was telling the truth or things would change. Unfortunately, I also didn’t think about his marriage as a relationship – I compartmentalized what we had as the “real” relationship. It might have been for a time. But, in the end, it wasn’t.

        There is a part of me, no matter how it appears to others, that wishes she knew his truth so they could be on equal footing. I wish I had known when it happened to me in my marriage. I would have made better or at least different choices.

        But that’s not my ultimate reason, which I acknowledged here. I do have a small part that’s honestly wishing she knew for her own good, but the bigger piece is I want him to feel my pain, the pain he helped create.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You’re growing. Reading your blog for years I have struggled to really try to see people who have chosen to cheat as people, as more than just the action I despise. Your life and struggles have helped me profoundly. Your post here where you really straddle the line between the mistress and your past… I think it’s important. You’re going through a ton. And I am happy to watch it happen along the way, and learn from you. Thank you for sharing your story.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Also- did you get into my blog? I added you to approved readers ages ago so when I go through the button to let you read it doesn’t do anything… you should be able to view and read.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. You bet. Now it’s kindof just me diarizing my life but I think the beginning was quite interesting- all about knowing the man I married cheated and cheated and… holy crap CHEATED… written by me at my craziest and nearly manic moments. And then the development to now… normal is more boring but damn I’m happy for it

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Hey- so… you were cheated on too… as much as people say ‘believe me, she knows’…. she may not. The man I married… was great at the game. Now, looking back, sure I was a fool. But I didn’t know. I knew he liked porn, sure. At one point I was totally messed in the head and actually wrote myself a mantra of ‘he loves you but doesn’t need you sexually. You love him, so you will just masturbate and deal with a sexless life….’ I was a fucking knob talking myself into being a goddamn stepford wife with absolutely no idea that he was cheating, capable of cheating…. it was absolutely gobsmacking.

        Sure, I should have known. I should have pushed further into spying on the man I married, except I never fathomed it was possible. I actually trusted him. The way I would want to be trusted. It’s dumb. Or stupid. Or just… naive. Regardless. I didn’t know.

        I have often wondered why the woman that the man I married impregnated, and then was so mean to he believes she got an abortion just because he ‘meaned’ her into it… why she never sent something or how her friend from work never warned me, because they both seem like the kindof spitey women or ‘chicks before dicks’ type of gals who would tell me either to hurt me or free me. But I didn’t get a peep. And I don’t reach to her now because … I am not supposed to care. But I wonder. I wonder why she didn’t tell me. Somehow. Some kind of letter or a email or something. She sat on this for years.

        Again- as the woman who was cheated on, I wish I knew. I wish someone had told me. But not about you. Not to help you. To help me.

        Your recent posts have been so introspective and I really admire them.

        Xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

      7. I caught my x multiple times. And he kept lying. Now I don’t really care “what” happened but I do know he cheated on me. I stayed and fought. In my case I was sorry I did because I was blind to the person he was. I wanted the marriage, house and kids. I wanted the dream. I was young.

        I wished then I knew the truth of his cheating. But in the end, we all make our own decisions to stay or go and I wonder if I had know more “truth” if it would have really made a difference other than just knowing the truth. In my case, I doubt it.

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      8. Yeh I get that. I’m over not knowing everything now. I am just so lucky I didn’t end up with diseases. Dodged a massive bullet.

        But if Tony (that’s his name right?) managed to snow you so well- manipulate you and hide the reality that he was going to keep you and wifey …. you who is quite learned in the way men manipulate… chances are she is just as blind.

        Maybe it won’t change anything. But maybe it will. What if she hasn’t been tested for STDs and she has hpv and doesn’t know. That’s the part that really bothers me. If she chooses to stay because she knows, but cares more for the mirage and the trappings… then she’s a volunteer. Just like if you had stayed in your relationship with him without it turning to more. I would have no sympathy for you being the woman who is hidden and on the outside of the ‘real full life’.

        But right now, she may not know. And that means he continues to have the balance of the power. And she may actually face physical danger. She cannot even protect herself physically – enforcing use of prophylactics in intimacy etc, if she does decide to stay and accept his wandering dick.

        You (or your other readers more like) may have no sympathy for her, or think she’s super aware. But really… sending her something if she does already know isn’t telling her more, then, is it.

        Liked by 1 person

      9. No one ever truly knows the Truth in affairs, but I do not believe while he was with me he was having sex with her (just way too many clear indicators). He also claimed not to have had PIV sex with anyone before me (doesn’t eliminate risk of disease). I’ve been tested so he’s not bringing anything back from me, but their future is his risk.

        Do I think she’s aware? I have always thought women, in general, have a second sense. I think she turned the other way because she didn’t want to give him sex and he was holding up his end of the bargain by otherwise being a perfect caring responsible husband. He cared for her in a way that was working for both of them. I’m not in their relationship and all my info is second hand. I just don’t know. Those are my theories.

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  6. What possible good could come of sending the letter? Believe me, this woman knows about her husband. He knows. You know.
    Will you feel better after you send it?
    A sense of closure or relief? I doubt it. I think Trixie is up to her old tricks wanting you unbalanced, unfocused and unhappy.
    Move on with your personal goals and new life. You’re so worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Please do not send this.

    I truly believe that when we are healing from the loss of someone we love there is a natural urge to pull them back into contact with us in order to find relief from the pain. I believe that is the underlying reason why you feel this urge to send the text, to make this contact. Underneath you know it will spur some further contact with him, good or bad (oh it will be bad!) and you might not be fully aware that this is why you are doing it.
    Work through it M. This too shall pass. There is no need to tell her, your healing is not dependent on her knowing the truth. Their marriage will stay in tact and you will be considered the villainess and this will do nothing to help you heal. Don’t give into the urges for some level of contact. Just continue to work through the pain, healing will happen in time, I do believe that.

    Liked by 5 people

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