Sticking to my Guns

I know in the past I would ignore things that struck me as “off” when I was dating. My gut would instinctively say “hey take a closer look at that” or “this isn’t quite right” and I would actively ignore those messages in favor of something I preferred to see in the man.

I wasn’t often wrong: at least not about my gut, I made lots of bad decisions though!  Those early signals are generally pretty good and I’m trying my best to be patient and listen to my inner voice when it’s saying “he’s not for you”. So far I’ve been doing well.

I find a man I like and if we start chatting and move to text, I mostly stay off the dating apps. This way I’m not worried about juggling and I remain focused on the one guy. I also realized it builds up the available pool. To do this I pay a tiny bit more for a boost, but I find it to be more effective and relaxing than being on these sites multiple times a day checking for new matches or messages.

Once I move to text, I probably do sound more like an interview than not.  I just want to get to the crux of it – are you serious or not?

So here’s the last few guys that made it to text….but I haven’t yet met:

Tom: it’s been 2 weeks,  Our first conversation was amazing and I liked him.  so much in common.  He travels for work so wasn’t home the first week, but text and called.  Then the last night of his trip he suddenly face times me at midnight and he’s in bed, no shirt.  I could see where it was going so I quickly said “oh you’re tired, lets chat tomorrow” and got off the call.  He texts something about a “dream” from his flight home and I finally said “sorry for the buzz kill, but we haven’t met so I’m uncomfortable with the sexual talk now.”  It just felt like a drag.  I liked him, wanted to meet him, but it never goes anywhere when you start-up with all the sexy stuff before you ever meet.  I don’t know how many times I heard that advice in the beginning and neglected it.  Now, I just don’t care how handsome and perfect on paper you are….I just don’t want to. Meet me in person and let’s see where it goes.  2 weeks of chatting and you haven’t made a date….that’s enough for me.

Spencer: started out lovely, but then also got into the sex talk.  He at least asked me out quickly.  When I went back to look at his photos, I could see a progression of weight gain when I started to piece together the dates (which I asked in conversation).  When I asked for his most recent photo he never answered me again.  I am not fat-shaming.  However, I tried more than once to go out with a very heavy man who I felt a connection with and it didn’t work for me, and I was getting the hint this man was very heavy.  He just disappeared after that.

Patrick: another one that started out great, easy banter.  But, when I asked the “how serious” question he flipped out that all women are treating men like horny 18-year-old boys with no brains in their head since the #metoo movement.  He indicated he preferred women with confidence and insinuated that I must not have any.  He had been clearly trying to “squeeze me in as a third or fourth priority with some random potential dates and I finally sent a clear message “when you have some solid time to make a date, get back to me.”  He replied by asking me if that was a gentle slap.  I don’t have anything else to say to him unless he plans on asking me out.  And by now, I don’t care.

Jack: I liked so much about Jack.  He was so good on paper.  But I suspected I wasn’t going to like him when I met him and I was correct.  He was handsome, well-educated, smart, kind, ambitious, tall, built, you name it.  Good catch.  But, holy cow was he boring.  I couldn’t even laugh at my own jokes he was so dry.  I really liked him, he was a good guy, but there wasn’t even the tiniest of tiny sparks.  I thought a kiss might help until that final moment I leaned in and realized I just didn’t even want to kiss him.

Matthew: maybe not my physical type exactly, but neither was Tony.  Tony reeled me in with laughter and attention.  Matthew has the attention part down pat and I like so much about him already.  Once again, all looks good on paper. I meet him tomorrow for dinner.  Fingers crossed.


Because I love to over-analyze everything, I was thinking about what made me so darn attracted to Dan, Bobby or Tony?  None was typical for me.  Bobby had a charming, easy confidence, handsome face but heavy-set.  Tony was cute and also had that charming, easy confidence and had the ability to make me laugh like crazy. Dan physically appealed to me more than Tony, but had the same type of charisma and could be a character.  So, is that the ignition switch for me?  Charming, easy confident men who can make me laugh?  None of them were sexually pushy, all were interested in my desires and how I liked things.  All wanted to please.  None was my “ideal” physical man (even if there was such a creature) but all of them drove me wild in more ways than one.

Chemistry is such an elusive thing….I know its wrong of me to say so, but I am dying to move on to another man to get Tony out of my head.  It’s been 9 months since I’ve seen him and over a month since we spoke about my surgery, 3 months of no contact before that.  This should feel easier than it is.




Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

3 thoughts on “Sticking to my Guns”

  1. I know you’re struggling at the moment with your headspace, but you are doing great with this.

    It’s interesting that you find this easier when your ‘give a fuck’ (in general) is at zero. If you can get the ‘give a fucks’ in the rest of your life firing, it would be useful to keep the ‘give a fucks’ in this domain at the level they are now. Because you are making good and healthy choices for yourself here, even if they aren’t coming from such a great place.

    Also, let me say that I admire your energy to put yourself out there. Seriously. I get utterly exhausted just thinking about logging into any dating apps and dealing with the tedious-boring and the horrifying bullshit.

    Sending lots of positive thoughts for good life-things that are hopefully just around the corner.


    Liked by 1 person

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