Buckling Down

My frame of mind is improved, as has my energy since the first iron infusion.  I started a Keto diet and added in some MCT oil to see if that would help with my energy levels.  I also had my monthly B12 shot.  I am doing everything I can, except exercise, to get my self back on track.  I hate exercise, always have, and I have to find a way to make sure I begin again.  The Peloton bike stares at me every time I walk past it.  I have not other excuse except that I just hate exercise.

I’ve noticed my sleep is less disturbed this week, which is helpful.  I’m tired all day but not sleepy. My second infusion is Monday and by the end of the week – at least physiologically – my body should be back on track.

I haven’t gotten a period in 48 days.  I do notice waking a few times during the night being much too hot, taking off the covers and then a minute later (or less) pulling them back on and falling straight back to sleep.  I’ve had hot flashes before and perhaps this is the pre-cursor of peri-menopause because they are definitely not full on hot flashes – I can deal with these!

My weight loss has slowed and I’m close to my first goal.  I was 157 pounds yesterday and I know for a fact I haven’t been that low since my first pregnancy in 1999.  20 years being  technically obese is nothing to joke about.  I feel so much better in the way I can move my body without all that excess weight.  I love being able to cross my legs and keep them crossed or tucked under me all day, when you’re too heavy you can’t do this and its awkward.  This was the 4 month mark for me and the doctor says most people continue to lose through the first year, just more slowly.  If I can hit 145 pounds I would be thrilled.

So health gets a check plus.  My wound is still leaky and irritates me, but its not troublesome.

I’ve gone into credit card debt the first time since divorce and that scares me a bit.  I moved it all to no interest for 12 months, but the debt is large.  I am not used to not having any income at all.  I really don’t know how to buckle down when I need to financially.   I made some edits to some home services to reduce the monthly bill, and I pay a decent mortgage on my home for what I won (meaning way better than rent would  be for 3 or 4 bedrooms).  I have some savings I can use to pay it down, but holding onto that as cash in case I’m out of work beyond March.

I did have to do a little clothes shopping.  All my XXL clothes, including my underwear and bras, were literally falling right off me!  Trying on clothes was actually fun and not frustrating for the first time in my life.  I totally lost my ass, its like a pancake now, but I know if I get my booty moving I can get it back!  My cousin and I had an afternoon of shopping and gossiping and I enjoyed the girl time.  I was thrilled to buy some jeans, T-shirts, bras and panties.  A small fortune but well worth how much better I look and feel with a few pieces of properly sized clothing.  I have a good network for handing down clothes too, which I love because I generally invest in decent clothing and it can last.  So my friends who receive get a wardrobe they would never buy for themselves and they feel good too.    I seriously never realized how loose things could get – my winter coats are like two ton garbage bags on me….so they will go on resale sights due to their cost.  I think I can recoup enough to be able to buy new ones next year.  Getting fitted for a bra was great but, boy, big bras are expensive!  And if you want to look even slightly pretty at my cup size prepare to pay double!

I haven’t done enough in the way of helping myself with work.  I have done some, but no real press for networking.  I am going to have no choice but to force myself forward this week.  I hate that I still don’t feel “ready” to get back to work, but there is no choice.  I have great friends for support who all have great ideas how to eventually move out of my are of expertise and start something new, but I find those conversations daunting when I don’t yet have a steady stream of income.  I was never an entrepreneur and admire those (like you, Maggie!) who can get out there and work for themselves.  I’m terrified.  And probably a bit lazy….corporate world has it perks in its consistency.

I do love spending some quality time with my friends, cousins and sister – which was hard to do when I was working.  I like seeing the kids all day, even when they aggravate me.  I have adjusted to having nothing to do and honestly don’t even know where the time goes during a day.

Boring post, I know, but pretty much where I am at the moment.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

4 thoughts on “Buckling Down”

  1. 1) Go file for unemployment if you are eligible. I know it’s peanuts for your situation, but every dollar helps.
    2) Cut every household expense possible now. Cut cable & get Roku. Restrict eating out to once a week or none. Cut back or eliminate the housekeeper. Cut, cut, cut.
    3) Thank you for your shout-out on my entrepreneurial venture, and I will attest it is not easy. However, is there some consulting you could do? Something part-time? That will get you out & about plus bring in some cash. It will buy you some time while you figure out the next step.
    4) Exercise sucks, so I suggest just RE-framing it. Just move. Walk, dance, whatever gets your body in motion. Screw Peleton – I think that’s too intense right now for you. There is an app (or many) that has 10 minute exercise routines. Try that, use your stairs to get cardio & for butt exercises. Try for 10 minutes a day and next week 15, then 20. Just build on what you can. I know the weather sucks, so maybe a mall?
    The fact that you are ready to take action on work and exercise is huge progress. You are an amazing, strong woman. You will come out the other side stronger. Right now you can’t see the shore, but it’s there and you are rowing in the right direction. Hugs to you.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. This is why I ❤️ you Mags! Like me, you are a list maker and attack the list!

      1. Unemployment – check
      2. Household expense – some cut, not all
      3. Consulting – wrapping my head around it
      4. Exercise – somehow even 10 mins is daunting to me.

      Thanks so much for being such an amazing support and inspiration for me!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are doing great! PM if you have questions about the consulting stuff. My former BIL did quite a bit in-between jobs. It can be quite lucrative without insane hours.

        As for the exercise, start with baby steps. Just put on the clothes at first. Break it down to little itty bitty steps.

        Liked by 1 person

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