*I wrote this post earlier this month and never got around to editing until now….
Happy New Year!
How did you start off your New Year? This was the first one in my life I was alone. I think the idea of being alone on NYE bothered me more than the actuality of being alone. Our traditional NYE party was cancelled as our hosts were traveling. Funny, several years ago I didn’t want to go to that local friends party and now I have come to enjoy the low-key peacefulness of community – I missed it this year.
I didn’t have any reflection. I didn’t even feel like we were turning a page on a New Year. It felt like any other night to me (other than the resounding thought playing over and over in my head: you are alone on NYE, how sad).
I thought too much about Tony.
My winter break was exhausting. My iron has dropped again, but not enough to need my infusion. I’m sleeping my days away. I am just not ready for life and this is not ok. I have been out of life for 4 months and I have managed to do nothing, except heal my body, during those 4 months. It’s not enough. Time is valuable and I’m wasting it – but no matter how I look at and how many times I tell myself something will change, it doesn’t. I fall back into hibernation.
Of course I have moments of light. I somehow work up energy enough to get myself going for a few hours. All these times exhaust me even further. The ambivalence is astounding. I just don’t care.
I have to care. I have to find my way back to reality so I can pay my bills and feed my children. This is the last month we can float on my available cash. After January we start dipping into savings. I keep reminding myself it’s not worth it to spend what took me so long to save.
My list of required to-do’s isn’t even all that long, it just challenges me.
Review and edit my resume and social profiles.
Make a list of contacts and actively begin a search.
Utilize outplacement website and webinars
Ensure all job search sites are set up properly for my searches
Choose an exercise to stick with and develop a routine
Learn yoga or meditation
Create 2019 calendar
Migrate addresses and birthdays to phone
Give Keto eating a try
Remember unemployment Monday’s
Submit bonds for processing
Sort out S1 and S2 school immediately.
Deep clean: bathroom floors/grout
Put away Christmas decor
Help son rearrange bedroom
Purchase rug for basement and mop floors
I could make that list 10 pages longer, but these are the ones that resonate the most with me to “get done”.
I need to start doing something. I’ve been sleeping most of the last two weeks away….I’m unfocused and feeling very unhappy again. It seems that as my body has mostly recovered that my mind is back to most of its old tricks again. Tony is on my mind way too much and it’s making me so sad again. I even drank too much Christmas night and picked a text fight with him so I’ve gone back to no contact fully.
I don’t know how to restart my life right now. I know there’s no magic bullet but I’ve lost all motivation and desire. To feel so hopeless is a terrible thing.
I speak to my friends, see my family and make dates. But I feel no drive anymore.