Inner Child

Hello Madeline, meet Trixie.

Oh, you know each other already?

Hmmmm….

So work with my therapist has begun on my inner child. Basically, learning how to like and accept that young wounded girl and then learning how to re-parent her.

Truthfully, I don’t know how I feel about this work. I don’t like going back to revisit difficult things and I am a champion at forgetting bad things – also known as my stellar behavior to crucify myself on a daily basis.

A friend said to me: what you have been doing and how you have been doing it isn’t working, why not try another way? Open your mind and listen.

Because this is my nearest and dearest friend whom I trust the most, I agreed to try something different. This also includes a therapist who is also non-secular. I promised, while begging for life in Mexico, that I would try and turn to God. More on this piece to come at a later time.

This post is simply to introduce the idea of my inner child and how she will help me learn why my behaviors, especially my bad behaviors, have become my ultimate coping mechanism.

We spent a little time talking about my childhood and my parents. If you asked me, I would say I had a very good, and happy, childhood. That’s only partly true. I was a very dissatisfied child, worse so when my younger brother came on the scene almost 6 years later. I actually no longer dwelt on the cards I was dealt as a child, I thought – and still think, to some degree – going back to explore these issues doesn’t hold and value on how I choose to live today. I am aware of the things I was uncomfortable with in childhood, but prefer not to dwell. Further, I’ve been taught that it just sounds like privilege complaining. People had it way worse than me in their lives, my parents tried their best, my mother is no longer alive, and my father is nearly 82. What’s the point of reliving painful memories that can stir up old feelings of anger and sadness (amongst many other feelings) when I have moved past all of that?

Or, have I?

I am willing to explore it and think about it. Try to learn what I don’t love about myself that I allow so many others to determine my self-worth. And then learn how to love and accept all of me, so that I may share myself fully with others.

I will start with my adoption. I may have told the story in a past blog somewhere, but I’m going to write again. I will walk through some childhood memories and try to think about why my inner child is so unhappy and feels so unwanted. I think I have many answers already but I want to do the work in writing.

I feel a need to apologize to my mother in heaven before I start this work:

Momma, I love you more than anything and I’m sorry I was never the daughter you needed, but I loved you fully and know you would be so proud of the woman I’ve become. I know you won’t like this….I need to explore what’s making me so unhappy in my womanhood that must be stemming from my childhood. I no longer blame anyone, it’s only a process of realization. I know you didn’t like so many things I’ve done in my life that must have felt like direct attacks on your parenting, but you always, ultimately, supported me in the end. We were always uncomfortable together, you and I. It was never a fully harmonious relationship. We always questioned one another. I wish I understood you sooner so you could have felt more love from me than you did, but believe me, it was always there. You have, and always will be, my first love and number one. Please support this hard work I have to do. I don’t want to remember things that hurt because you are not here with me anymore and I feel it’s unfair, but I believe it can help. Please continue to stay by my side throughout. I love you.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

4 thoughts on “Inner Child”

  1. My husband is adopted as well. And trust me, its affected him down to his core. I think I wrote about that in some of my early posts when I was explaining his cheating. For him, he always said, “The most important decision of my life, was made before I was even born.” That kind of gives you some insight into his psyche. It really did affect him down to his core. He deals with a lack of self worth and also wanting others to accept him. He puts on a mask- one where everyone “likes” him because he would never dare upset anyone, for fear they too would abandon him. Despite going to therapy and finding his birth parents, it defined his character. I suspect, Trixie is similar yet it has manifested in different ways. Perhaps a rebellious child? One that likes to stomp her feet because she didn’t get “her way” regarding having a choice to be given up for adoption? You’ve written about being petulant in past posts, so that sprung to mind. Overall, I think spending some time evaluating things is a good idea. Trauma from Mexico has also brought about major changes too….everything you describe is classic symptoms after someone endures something very traumatic. The good news is, you can learn how to dip in and out of these behaviors. You can learn ways to literally focus your brain to engage your logic and reasoning and not be ‘stuck’ with your emotions in drive, dictating your next move purely on emotions. It takes some work- but I feel confident you can do it. Sending you a giant hug as you tackle this mountain!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks 2CH, I appreciate the insight and the hug! 😘. I do recall you saying before he felt very differently about his adoption (I think we spoke about it of line). I really hate to believe the in-utero theories shape our adult lives and prefer to believe my adoptive parents wanted me to badly they went to great lengths to have me.

      Liked by 1 person

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