I know the theory is one step at a time as long as it’s forward, but I have never been so unmotivated in my life.
My wound will heal really soon – I see the surgeon this week and expect I can be released to exercise. Not that it matters, I should have been walking all this time and wasn’t. I did not lose any weight this month so the surgeon could have something to say about that. I will say my appetite has come back and I now find myself hungry and thirsty when I haven’t been for months. The nurse said that’s because my body had to focus on the wound first and until it healed other functions may slow. Not being hungry was a good thing!
I haven’t gotten a real period since August. I bled a bit in Mexico, which they say is very common after major surgery, but nothing since. I also had cramps the morning I went crazy over Tony’s FB so I am guessing I started ovulating again – and my hormones are always a contributing factor to my level of crazy. Maybe it’s also why I’m hungry, now that I think about it.
It was even hard to decorate the house this year, I have no desire. I like how it feels when it’s done, but it was super hard to get it done. I would have even defaulted to a fake Christmas tree this year but the boys had a solid “no!” Vote against me. I’m happy they did, it gave them skin in the game and they got it up and standing by themselves. Decorating it may be another story.
I keep writing lists for myself to get things done. Then some things (like taxes or medical bills) take so long they suck the life out of you and I won’t go back to it for days. The outplacement service requires attention each week and I’m not putting any effort into that either. I want to get my resume and LinkedIn cleaned up this month. I’m not focusing on big picture items here, but I’m struggling to get through the small stuff.
I have been restless at night since Tony came back on the scene in some way. I am not dwelling but clearly my subconscious is still doing its work in the night.
I have not heard from Rob since the weekend. I am a bit bummed. I have my Match and Bumble on but don’t have any real interest in that work either.
I have done very little Christmas shopping. My kids have truly acknowledged their age and our current financial situation, but I would hate to see an empty Christmas tree on Christmas. These kids are used to many gifts. I was raised that way and have done the same with them. I would rather be clever this year and get them excited with fewer special gifts but my mind isn’t working.
I haven’t showered in 3 days. I do brush my teeth and hair and change my bandages. I don’t even wash my face.
Everyone says “this is not the Madeline I know.” But what if she’s gone – like forever? What if all that happiness, ambition, drive and determination never comes back? What if I’ve lost my defining characteristics?
What if I don’t care anymore?
I am not as sick as I was in the summer, but I don’t know how to get my life restarted. There’s a part of my brain yelling at me to stop wasting this precious time.
When that voice starts I will do something special for the boys. I made 6 dozen chocolate chip cookies and 3 banana breads today. I will probably make them meatloaf for dinner (they love and I hate! Lol). I will try and get in the back garden and prune my plants – better late than never. I know it’s something but it’s not enough. It’s not a life.
I need to get my life going again.