Post Tony deleting me on Facebook, we communicated a little by text. He put me back on Facebook when he realized he upset me. Then he text me again, the next morning.
I engaged after I spoke to my therapist.
There was nothing that was going to change my mind to speak to him. It had been months – at least since June or July – we had been on the phone. I’m pretty certain the last conversation would have been in anger.
I have no desire to recap the conversation but I told him about Mexico. I cried a little when I told him what brought me to Mexico. He thinks he could have stopped me. That’s a big fat, no – because he wasn’t leaving his wife – so he’s giving himself too much credit.
I wanted to ask so many things I wanted to talk about so many things. I wanted validation. I wanted to apologize for my bad behavior – not so much because he deserves an apology from me as much as I needed to forgive myself for the way I behaved.
For acting crazy and addicted. .
I got just enough validation that he did believe for a while, enough validation to escape with my sanity intact and be able to delete him again and move forward without falling into the Tony hole again.
I left feeling sad and I said I missed him. He quickly said we cannot go back to communicating. I agree with him.
Hanging up the phone without an “I love you” at the end was actually horrible and made me cry. But, I am ok. It took a little time to marinate and process, but I am ok. I didn’t dwell very long.
I deleted photos I had lingering on the phone and came across the last piece of the puzzle I needed. Validation in the form of the first time he acknowledged he wanted to be with me and what it wold cost him. I didn’t include the whole text string as it’s just for me, but here’s a piece.
That’s it, the last of Tony for a long while.
He will forever be my emotional bar – and he set it so high. Just like Bobby set the sexual bar so high.
I am going to need to learnt to pole vault I suppose.