Driving home from the Elks club, we discussed Rob coming into my home before heading out.
We both collapsed onto the couch and got physical pretty quickly. Ugh, as much as I wanted him to keep exploring, I was going to have to explain the bandages on my belly. I wear a 4″x6″ white adhesive bandage right over the worst part of the wound. The wound is almost closed, but I have a “pool” for lack of a better description, where the abdomen closed. Its pretty ugly, but the bandage (besides providing necessary cleanliness and protection) covers the worst looking part and you can’t feel the dip because the wound holds the gauze inside and the bandage lies on top, relatively smoothly.
Believe me, this is ugly and when the bandages can come off, I may choose to keep them on, just for vanity sake.
I pause our intimacy and sit up to explain the wound (I have previously told him abut the surgeries, very generally). He seems concerned, but only says “you are ok now, right?” to which I reply “yes.” and ask if he would be more comfortable in the bed. He follows me to my room and we undress completely.
I’m happy to know my body is functioning after all this depression and apathy as well as the new drugs. He’s happy to slowly please me, but of course I notice, he isn’t getting hard. At all.
Ok, so here’s what I know: Wife died less than a year ago, love of his life, hasn’t had sex for 3 years and never cheated on her. I’m the first since.
I know this is sensitive, so I ask him if there is something else I can do differently to help. He says he doesn’t want to worry about it and overthink it, its all so new to him, and he tells me I feel so good and he loves touching and holding me. He doesn’t stop kissing me or indicating anything less than pleasure, but by now my mind is racing. This is different than regular ED – I don’t think I felt him hard, ever. At some point, my brain is so tired I just stop thinking about it and we fall asleep.
I did notice he was hesitant to throw his around around my tummy with the bandage, so I eventually turned facing him to make him more comfortable.
He wasn’t supposed to sleep over. I was restless but he was sound asleep and I was locked into his arms (and he’s strong and big). I woke him at 5:30am because he had to take care of his daughter by 7:30am and I didn’t want to be the reason he wasn’t there.
He barely wanted to get out of bed.
Later, mid-day, I text him to ask how his morning went and he responded with “I would rather be crawling back into your bed right now” and everything else was fine.
I am choosing not to focus on this too much, but my radar has been going off since the beginning that he’s not ready, or not into me enough, and his overall lack of consistent communication is tough on me in general. When we are together, I feel fine, but this was a 3rd date, even if it was an entire day and night. Don’t want to over think it.
During the week, when we were texting and talking, I asked when I would see him again and he found time to come over for coffee for a couple hours this past Friday. We had fun laughing, chatting and making out on my couch. This time I did feel his hard-on….go figure.
But then, no engagement over the weekend. I did send one text Saturday to inquire about a birthday party he was going to – and he responded, but that was it. I know he considers Sunday his day with the kids, so I wouldn’t have reached out anyway. We will wait to see what the week brings.
I am a bit bummed because I was so happy with the football party, but I sort of feel neither of us is totally engaged….there’s too much pause in conversation unless I carry it. I realize the reason I fell so hard for Tony was how he responded to me, all the attention he gave to me that I never had. I need the attention and engagement.
Rob is a nice guy and clearly going at a different pace than I am, so I can be a little patient, but my intuition is telling me its not going to have legs. I need a “Fuck Yes” date. Soon.