I planned to write this post on September 1st, but since its already Sept 2nd, sort of shows you where my mind is at.
I started my blog as a way to document my experience with my divorce and sex life. I had no idea how much I would love the interaction of the people who stuck around and supported me through these follies. Sometimes I wonder what is it about me that makes me want to out myself out here, naked and exposed, and hear what other people have to say. And it’s not always good, let me tell you. But it always offers me honest opinions that I may or may not get in real life.
Being depressed and unmotivated for 4 solid months now, starting and stopping multiple avenues to move myself forward, I had many days and nights where I just gave up. I am not going to kill myself, but I have thought of possibly fading away. The only thing that really stops me from doing this is permanently destroying my boys lives. I can’t do that to them. I can’t leave them. So once I got to the bottom of my Valley of Hopeless Despair and set up my beach chair for a while, I began to think: if I have to stay for the boys, is it fair to just exist?
No. Not really. Damn my over-thinking brain.
That led me to my next step forward. I stayed in my Valley of Hopeless Despair and ordered some wine, Prosecco to be accurate. Bottles and bottles of it. During this time, I made lots of bad mistakes, and some really good moves forward. But nothing enough to lift me out of the Valley, I was still heavily shackled. During this time, I made the final break with a married man I was in love with for 2 years, began to realize I could not save my dream job but could not only exit with grace, but as a superstar, bought the most wasteful, expensive exercise bike (Peleton) because that’s where the x-boy was working and it made me think of him, and sent my first-born off to college. In my life, I have never had the experience of doing one hard thing at a time, everything for me comes in pairs or more.
And this time around, it was just one thing too many.
So, at some point, I had a break from reality. I was sick of always being the strong one. The one to come through. The one to figure things out. The one to solve problems. I was tired. My heart was broken for one too many reasons. My confidence was shattered and the Valley of Hopeless Despair felt like the only place I could safely stay and hide-away. I lie on my stomach on a beach chair there for a very, very long time.
I was hoping to get bored.
I didn’t, not really.
Sure, I had moments where I rose and appeared to all to be walking amongst the living. You know why? I didn’t want to invite anyone to my Valley. This time, if I was going to make mistakes, have bad judgement or behave poorly I was going to do it alone. Because I know it’s wrong, I just didn’t care.
That’s where I think I’m missing a crucial piece in my brain: I can seriously just not care. I don’t care who I hurt or how I do it if I can get what I think I need.
Every day finds me conversely wanting to reach out to the x-boy as well as call his wife. Every. Damn. Day. The conversations and debates that rage in my head are frightening.
I refused to pay attention to my spending in 4 months and find my self close to $20k in credit card debt. Four years of no debt, divorce and doing it on my own and when I am about to have no income, I find a way to create a massive debt load.
I kept binge eating. I stopped moving. I kept drinking. I made poor dating decisions and had bad sex.
And then, I don’t know how, something clicked in my brain. It wasn’t like clicking into place, clicking – no, not that type. More like a small movement of a watch hand going to its noon position. It was a solid click.
I had written a horrible text to the x-boy and then deleted and blocked everything remaining of him in my devices. I got too drunk and felt like crap for 2 days, so I gave up drinking (which means, I reduced consumption, don’t get ahead of yourself! Alcohol is life.). And I made an absolute and irrevocable decision to have Gastric Sleeve Surgery.
Which leads me to September 1st.
I am going to reset. I am going to delete the blog and start over.
Those here for sex will be bored for a while. I plan to write about myself. My depression and my Gastric Sleeve Surgery. I get it if you leave me. I’m happy for you to stay. But either way, I have a plan for September and this is going to be my accountability place. For myself and anyone who wants to peek in.
The Valley of Hopeless Despair is now allowing visitors.