The Path My Mind Takes

I don’t know why I am so obsessive.  Therapy doesn’t actually cover the “why” but covers “how” to manage it.  I wish there was a button I could turn off.

There is the peace just before sleep where you start dreaming everything will be ok.  That peace seems to linger for just a moment before your eyes open in the morning and you take a deep breath and almost smile, before you realize nothing has changed and its all in your mind.

I hate that moment of reality and its often what keeps me in bed in the morning with no desire to get up and take care of life.

Even though it happened today, I did, in fact, wake up and go to work.  One of my team had a presentation of a process that will continue once I leave and I know how nervous she is about it because it’s causing a lot of angst within cross-functional teams.  I find joy in being able to support her.  So, that was my small win for the day.  I got up and out of bed for someone else.  To help them.

Its sort of hard to want to come to work knowing the days are coming to a close.  I don’t actively take on new projects, but I am trying to close out the ones I must.  I am trying to set my team up for success.

Its also hard to watch my job begin to disappear.  But, this is a paycheck, which I need so I have to stick this out for as long as they will let me.  I was going to try to push for one more month – which I probably could get – but not sure that’s in my best emotional interest.  I don’t think I am the type of person who does well with this type of transition and watching what I have built phase out.  But, it is income.  I am not sure how to balance that as my brain doesn’t compute it that way, my brain sorts through the feeling of it all over the reality.

Which is exactly how I think of Bennett.   My brain processes the emotion and not the reality.  This relationship is over, well over, yet I still hold onto a feeling we created which I never experienced.  Regardless of if I ever find that feeling again, I have to let go of what was because ti doesn’t exist anymore.   Every single day I self-flagellate because I cannot seem to get this through my thick head.

I want to stop feeling like I need to have him be a part of my life.  I don’t like the feeling that I am missing some core piece of me without him.  Two years of constant communication has done that to me.  Because he was the first human to communicate at least as much as I do, maybe more, I have adjusted to this constant communication with him that I miss dearly.

Oh, I wish everything would just go away already.


Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

6 thoughts on “The Path My Mind Takes”

  1. You have had so much loss of late. I’m sorry to read about your struggles. I think since you can’t control the shitty work situation, it’s easy to pivot and focus on Bennett. Please let him go and move on. You need to really focus on your health. You can’t get another job until you have your health (mentally and physically). Sending you hugs of support.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know you are right about Bennett. I even have said to him had our relationship just managed to carry me through this time in my life I probably wouldn’t be so depressed. But hanging onto that relationship any longer was also unhealthy. Just bad timing all around


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