Little Better, Little Lazier

What constitutes crazy in your mind?

Obsessing over where he is and what he’s doing every minute? So hyper focused on someone else that you can’t get though your own day?

That’s my crazy. And then that turns into needing to take action.

Luckily (for others) my action is relegated these days to two things: text or “don’t do”. You may think “don’t do” isn’t really an action but it is. It means I don’t get up for work. I don’t travel in to the city. I don’t do anything. Except sit and think. Which usually leads to text.

I admit Trixie has had much worse crazy than those two things above. I think I aged out!

Anyway, I text him again. It’s his birthday. If I was the type of person that could control myself the exchanges could remain pleasant and friendly. But it’s never enough for me until I blow something up.

I haven’t. Not today at least. But that’s usually what happens.

Just offering my insight to my own crazy.

Yesterday was ok! I made my 10k and I ate like a champ and logged all my foods. I even got my son outside to walk with me.

My x reached out to me to ask how he could help. The kids have finally told their Dad that I’m crying all the time. I really try not to do this around them but they come up on me with sneak attacks. This must be he teenage version of walking in on me when I was in the bathroom. I could be sitting somewhere randomly alone and they suddenly appear. I asked him how he felt he could help me and he had no clue. Nor do I. The sentiment was nice and I appreciate it.

I booked a surgery for Sept 7. I don’t know if I can go through with it but it’s booked. Supposedly this will take care of my anemia as well if I don’t die from it. I asked my bestie to come along and she’s agreed. I have to be on a liquid diet the week before and after.

Today I’m back to being lazy. I didn’t go to work. I text Bennett for his birthday and I zero motivation. The Fitbit buzzing on my wrist is a gentle reminder I am sitting on my fat ass.

I have been back and forth with dating and finally, late last night, I had a small epiphany that I’m going to take a longer break to focus on myself and get through surgery etc. I deleted all the apps (Hinge, Tinder, Bumble and Match) and have my number to the few men that had held my interest before deleting. If I meet them and it moves forward then fine. I made different decisions with these men (chose personality and profiles over looks) which has never worked for me but I’m willing to put my head in a different space now. If they all disappear that’s fine too. I promised myself I don’t open any apps until October. I realize that’s not perfect but it’s a step ahead and counts as my positive decision for the day.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

3 thoughts on “Little Better, Little Lazier”

  1. I still check how my ex is. I have no want or need to communicate but I like to check how he is, you know, if he is alive. I was in a similar head space and when David and I had our break up and tried to be friends I told him I just couldn’t, that I had tried but my head would just get ugly. I knew the right thing to do was let him see me and enjoy being around me but I couldn’t stay pleasant, I was just too hurt.

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